I am talking about loss. The painful, devastating, heart wrenching, gut sucking reality of losing your child.
I was contacted earlier this week by an old high school friend turned facebook friend whom I hadn't talked to in years...probably since my 10 year high school reunion. She has a good friend who just lost her baby boy and came to me looking for advice. Of course, I was more than willing to tell her everything I could think of and what was supposed to be a short email turned into a book. It got me to thinking that after all this time, almost 2 years later the words just poured out of me. How to be there for a friend who has lost her beloved child. What a horrible thing to be the subject matter expert on. Honestly, as much as I was willing to tell her what I could and help her, since what good is it to have gone through hell and back if not to help someone else out, it sucked. I cried and cried reading her email and writing my reply. Why does this happen to people? It's not fair. It took me back to those early days when I could barely pick myself up off the floor and all I could guarantee to get accomplished in a day was to cry and to breathe and most days I wished that I could just stop the latter. I know loss doesn't stop but how I wish it did. Mommies and daddies shouldn't have to say goodbye to their babies but so many do and it breaks my heart all over again every time I hear another story.
Almost two years later and in a totally different and happy place in my life, my wound has been re-opened and my heart hurts. It hurts for me, it hurts for this mama who is just starting her journey down this road and it hurts for so many others who have walked in my shoes. It just hurts. I miss Harper. I wish she were here, too. I wish life didn't have to be so cruel to some. I wish this sad story wasn't a part of mine. I wish. I wish. I wish.
He would have been three....
19 hours ago