Update in pictures...

I am long overdue in posting an update to Harper's Tree.  Here are a few pictures that were taken a few weeks ago.  Almost all of the leaves have fallen now -- there are just a few left at the top.

Harper's rock.

A precious dragonfly stake given to us by a friend at work. :)

I also wanted to post a picture of the blanket that my Mom made for us.  I really love it -- it is such a precious way to remember.  

A gift from my Dad and Michelle; she gives a special Christmas ornament every year.  They have a matching one on their tree that will hang every year in remembrance of our girl.

 

A candle my Mom made for us to light on Harper's 6 month angelversary.  I love it so much, I couldn't wait!  I am sure that I can sweet talk her into making us another ;)

I love anything dragonfly...another un-Christmas gift from Mom :)

 A sweet little remembrance from Katrina (my brother's GF).  It says, "Harper Grace...Our sweet angel"

It warms my heart to no end that our families are remembering and missing Harper everyday.  It was so good to go home and feel all of the love for her and for us.  There were toasts made in Harper's honor by my Dad and my Brother and she was brought up in conversation many times.  Katrina said, "Mother to Mother I just want you to know that she will always be remembered and loved." Mother to Mother...wow...no one has ever said that to me before -- my heart is so full.

Meeting Noah

I finally got to meet little Noah this weekend.  It was bittersweet.  To be around such a healthy, cute little guy simply amazes me.  I guess my perspective on how many healthy, living babies there actually are in the world is a little skewed.  How could it not be?

He is six weeks old with big blue eyes and just a cutie pie.  A sweet little miracle.

I am not going to lie, seeing him was hard, not as hard as I had anticipated but hard just the same.  Even still, I survived.  I actually laughed and had a good time.  I held him, looked into his eyes, kissed his head and smelled his sweet baby smell.  How I wish I could do those things with Harper -- I will always yearn for that and for her.  

Weepy

I am feeling so weepy tonight.  I am not sure what is different but I have seriously been crying all day.  I decided to go out shopping this afternoon, which apparently was a mistake.  Every time I turned a corner I saw a "baby's first Christmas this" or a "baby's first Christmas that".  I went into Hallmark to buy my nephew a Christmas ornament...not a baby's first Christmas ornament but I found a cute Noah's Ark ornament (his name is Noah).  I want so badly to be a good Aunt to him but I feel so broken.  I am trying my best.  There was a sweet Grandma in Hallmark buying out their supply of Baby ornaments.  *sigh* I wish Harper's Grandparents could do that this year.  I strolled by the Willow Tree figurines and there was a Guardian Angel figurine that was a red haired angel (Harper) helping a little boy (Noah) take his first steps and that did it --  there I was, boo who-ing in Hallmark.  The lady checking me out didn't seem too bothered by my wet eyes -- well, she does work at Hallmark, maybe she is used to women crying in her store.  I tried to cheer myself up by stopping at Starbucks for a chai tea latte.  Yes, it was tasty but I still bawled all the way home, seriously, it was like the early days when I used to cry and scream in my car.  I didn't scream in my car today but you get what I mean.

When I got home, I was greeted by a FedEx package at my door.  My sweet Mom sent me a beautiful memorial blanket for Harper.  It has her pictures on it and all of the sayings from her Abiding Hope Collage.

It was so nice to come home to that.  I called Mom to thank her and she said that her thought process behind sending us the blanket was that we could take Harper with us wherever we go.  Today Harper's blanket dried her Mommy's tears.

I have been an emotional wreck today...I hope tomorrow is a little easier.

Harper's Garden

We went over to my In-laws for a yummy lasagna dinner last night.  As we pulled up in their drive way we saw a beautiful project that they have been working on -- Harper's garden.   It is a huge garden with apparently over 100 bulbs planted and ready to bloom to the high heavens this spring.  The sweetest part was the plaque that read: 


Harper's Garden 
In Loving Memory 
Harper Grace Johnson
June 25, 2010
You will play with your Grandad and Grammie in heaven!


The tears were rolling before I even hit the door.  What a sweet and thoughtful way for them to remember our Harper.  My cup runneth over...

Blog Makeover! :)

I am so, so excited!  My blog makeover is complete.  Thanks to Franchesca over at Small Bird Studio, I now have a beautiful place to write about and remember my sweet Harper Grace.  Franchesca was so nice and so easy to work with, even with all of the times I kept changing my mind about stuff. :)  I wanted this space to be perfect and now it is -- it is exactly what I wanted -- so much that I cried the first time I saw the design.

It feels so good to be able to do something for Harper, especially knowing that she doesn't need me in the way that I need her.  Whether this doing something is making over her blog, planting a tree in her honor, or going to a memorial ceremony -- it is my way of mothering her.  I miss my baby girl so much.

 

Harper

I found this at Target yesterday as I was in the Christmas aisle buying something for work.  It is an angel playing a harp.  Harper means 'harp player' or 'harp maker' and of course, our Harper is an angel.

Even though I am not decorating this year, I bought four!

Awkward

I have been feeling a bit awkward and isolated lately, especially around certain people and in certain situations.  I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and like some are constantly walking on egg shells around me not knowing what to say -- so they say nothing which makes me feel even more like I don't belong.  I just feel like the big (baby-less) elephant in the room at times.

On the other hand, I feel that others seem to have forgotten about what happened to Harper - or even that she ever existed at all.  I have told people that we are boycotting the holidays this year and I can tell that they just don't understand why by the look on their faces.  So of course I feel the need to explain myself by saying, "well, you know...we just aren't really feeling the holiday spirit this year."  Which is usually followed by a look as if to say, "oh, you mean you aren't over that yet?"  It's so uncomfortable.

I am sure that I am just being really sensitive and over analyzing things.  I am great at over analyzing and being too sensitive.  The holidays have been hard and there is still more to come.  I would just like to crawl into a hole and camp out until December is over.  I really hate feeling this way...this used to be my favorite time of the year.  

I am not really sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post.  Reading it back, I am coming across as pretty whiney but I guess I just needed to vent.  There are, of course, a lot of people who do their best to try and understand and support us...I love you and don't know what I would do without you. :)