Rainbows

Over the last six-ish months I have had the honor of meeting and becoming good friends with two BLMs in real life...Priscilla and Caroline.

Priscilla and I met through our blogs and when I found out that she and her husband were moving to the area, I knew we had to meet up.  We hit it off and have been enjoying our four hour (I guess we have lots to talk about :) lunch dates ever since.  Priscilla has been through so much and has had to say goodbye to three of her children over the last  eight years, Jacob, Jordan, and Olivia.

I met Caroline through the Faces of Loss holiday gift exchange back in December.  Her son, Cale, was born still, just days from his due date, last June only three days after Harper was born.  We were both surprised that we lived less than ten minutes from each other and that our children's birthdays were so close together.  We have become very close in the last six months, as well.

These two women have been such a lifeline to me over the last six months.  They understand my continued struggles with grief and the the roller coaster of emotions that come along with being pregnant with a rainbow.  They have made me feel normal when I felt that no one else really understood my feelings.  They have been where I am and they "get" me.  They have been an ear and a shoulder.  Both of their friendships have meant the world to me and I know that they will continue for many, many years.

All of this is why I am overjoyed to say that in the last week and a half they have both given birth to their healthy, living and absolutely beautiful rainbow baby boys.  I can't even describe in words how it makes my heart feel to see these beautiful, caring women finally holding their rainbows.  I guess I would simply say, it makes my heart swell with happiness and it gives me hope that my day will come.

Having had the honor of meeting and holding (!!!!) Samuel Ryan Moore and Finley Daren Hidalgo has truly been food for this baby loss mama's soul.

At this point...

At this point (25 weeks 4 days) in my pregnancy with Harper things were going down hill fast.  I had already gone into premature labor.  I was in the hospital on strict bed rest and had been for 5 days.  I had endured a magnesium drip (for those of you who have not had one, it is a miserable but effective drug).  I was still bleeding, still contracting and my cervix was 80% effaced and starting to dilate.  My bag of water was intact but that was just about the only good thing we had going for us.  We had already been told by the MFM with a HORRIBLE bedside manner that our daughter was not likely to make it to term due to the infection that I had that was sending my body into labor and she (Dr. Evil) told us that she would do nothing more to stop it.  She was basically going to let me go into labor and have a very premature baby who's likelihood of survival was slight and the prognosis for her quality of life was even worse.  No mother or father ever wants to hear this horrific news.

I was in purgatory, I was terrified, I can't even describe in words the worry I had for my daughter.  My spirit was broken before I even  knew what that phrase *really* meant.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't read, I barely slept.  My Mom and my husband took turns sitting at my bedside and trying to cheer me up.  Chris slept at the hospital and showered there.  My Mom stayed at our house and took care of our dogs and would spend time with me during the day while Chris worked.  It was one of the most horrible weeks of my life, second only to the weeks after Harper passed away.

I felt like a living time bomb, waiting every second of every day for my world to come crashing down, just waiting for labor to pick up again.  I had so many talks with Harper during that time, begging her to hang on and not to give up on me yet.  I would have sat (laid) in that hospital bed for 3 more months if that is what it would have taken.  We saw doctor after doctor -- perinatologists, neonatologists, pediatricians, and of course my Ob.  No one had any answers, we were told to "wait and see".  That may sound like a benign statement but when it comes to the life of your child, "waiting and seeing" doesn't cut the mustard.  You want answers and you want to know that everything is going to work out for the good...we didn't have those warm and fuzzy feelings and the anticipation of "waiting and seeing" was brutal.

Thankfully {knock on wood}, things are going well for Pooh and my pregnancy with her.  Even though we are doing well, I am so scared that my body is going to fail again but I am trying my best to enjoy every moment as we come so very close to our loss milestone.  I have this weird fear that my body is programmed to only be able to stay pregnant for 26 weeks and 1 day (we aren't there yet but getting SO close!) but I have not gone into labor and I am not in the hospital on bed rest and that is something to be celebrated!

As happy as this time is and as thankful as I am that things are going seemingly well and that I have been given another chance, it makes me so sad for Harper and the crappy fate that she (we) got dealt.  I wish she were here, too.  I could have been one of those crazy moms who gets pregnant while caring for a very young infant because I thought that breast feeding was going to provide enough birth control.  I would have gotten to hear all about how hard (but so wonderful) my life was going to be with my babies so close in age and with two in diapers at the same time.  But today I have one sweet baby in Heaven and I am pregnant with her sweet little sister who is flipping and flopping around in my tummy as I type. I am so very thankful for that and praying that things continue to go well and that we get to bring this little girl home.

Tearful

Today is one of those days when the tears are just under the surface, falling so easily.  One of those days when I have to look through all of Harper's pictures and cry for her, wondering how this happened to us and where it all went wrong.  I am sad.  It is June.  How is it June already?  Has it really been almost a year?  I wish she were here.  I wonder what she would be doing had she lived.  I wonder what her giggle would sound like, what her smile would look like, and what her arms would feel like around my neck.  I wonder what we would be planning for her first birthday.  I wonder if people will remember her birthday.  I am scared that they won't.

First scare

We had our first scare and ended up in Labor & Delivery on Wednesday night.  I had been feeling some tightness in my abdomen and I was worried that it may be the start of contractions so off we went.  Being back in that place was so scary!  My nerves were completely shot by the end of the night.  All I could think about was the last time we were there when I was pregnant with Harper and how traumatic the experience was, I went into L&D pregnant thinking that all would be fine and I left ten days later without my baby and broken. I was so scared that we were going to be back on that road again. I was so terrified for sweet Pooh.  My mind kept going to the bad place where we lose her, too.

We got all hooked up to the monitors and got to listen to our girl show off her kung-fu moves for about an hour.  It was so comforting to hear her being so active and with such a strong heartbeat.  Comforting but still so scary just being there.  I just have so many bad memories of L&D and that hospital in general.  At one point the nurse came in and told me that I have an "irritable uterus" and that if my contractions didn't stop that they would send me into real labor.  That is the LAST THING that I needed to hear at that point or ever, really.  Apparently "nurse ding dong" slept through the part of my history where I told her about our loss of Harper at 26 weeks.  The threat of pre-term labor is not something that we take lightly!!

After we listened to Pooh for a bit and I received some IV fluids, my Dr. arrived.  She came in and put our hearts at ease.  She checked my cervix, which was still looking very good and she sent off a fetal fibronectin (fFN) which thankfully, came back negative!  A negative fFN means that your chances of going into labor in the next 2 weeks is less than 5%.  Talk about a relief, it was only then that I felt the weight lift.  Pooh should be safe in her home for at least the next two weeks, although we are shooting for much, much longer! {do you hear that, young lady?} More good news, the Dr. told us that the tightening I was feeling was just her moving around and getting comfortable and that she saw no real contractions on our monitor strip.  I even had her feel my stomach where I was feeling tightness and she said that I was just feeling body parts.  I guess I am more of a nervous nelly than I give myself credit for. Better to be safe than sorry, in my opinion though.

Thankfully everything is fine, Pooh is good, I am good, and Daddy is good.  We were a little (OK, alot!) shaken at the time but we got to come home, all of us together, and with a good bit of reassurance that we are doing well and that Pooh is staying put.  That peace of mind was worth the stressful, three hour trip to L&D.  Here's to hoping that it will be our last trip there until sometime in September!

One month from a year...

My Sweet Harper,

I can't believe that we have been without you for so long now.   It has been almost a whole year but it doesn't feel that way in my heart.  I still feel you all around me and I see you in so many places.  I look at your pictures and still marvel at your small, beautiful features -- all of the little features that make you unique and make you ours.  You will always be ours, our Harper Grace.  I love you and I miss you for always.  

Mom

******

As the eleven month mark comes to pass it is so hard to believe that we have spent almost an entire year without our first born here with us.  I remember last July, I was living in a fog, not sure if I would ever smile or laugh again.  I was seriously wondering if I would even make it through the first month...and now, it has been eleven.  One month from a year.  It is so hard to believe and I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it most days.  She lived and then she died just as quickly as she came.  It still sucks, I still grieve, I still get hung up on the  "what ifs", and I still miss her with all of me.  


This past month has been hard knowing that we are getting so close to her birthday.  I want to be ready for it but I don't know if I am.  I am not ready for this year of "firsts" to be over.  I am not ready for the supposed "closure".  I have not lived the year that I had envisioned at this time last year and it hurts.  I wonder if people will expect me to be "better" or "OK" once her first year has passed.  There is a part of me wants my heart to heal by the deadline of June 25th because the hurt hurts so much sometimes...but I know that it won't.  It will never fully heal and that is alright.  Sure, I am happy and hopeful most days but there is still a part of me that aches inside and knows that I always will, I think I would be abnormal if I didn't.  She was and always will be a part of me.  


I think grief forces growth and I know that Harper has taught me a lot in the last eleven months.  I have loved more fiercely and have come to see the world in a more beautiful way.  I have learned that life is short, so much shorter than I could have ever imagined.  There an no guarantees in this life so we must live and love while we can.  I have learned that the love for a child knows no boundaries.  I know that her spirit is all around me and when it is time, she will be waiting for me but for now, I must live.  I know that is what she would want.  

I borrowed this poem from Melissa's blog and I think it is a perfect way to sum up the last eleven months.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish your memory, and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want,

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~David Harkins

Edit from yesterday...

Apparently my math skills (preggo brain!) were lacking yesterday when I posted, saying that we needed to keep progressing smoothly for the next 18ish weeks.  I am a little over 23 weeks so that would equal 41 weeks and as much as I would like to go all the way to full term at 40+ weeks, I am pretty sure that we are planning on inducing at week 39 which means we need to stay boring and keep baking for another 16 weeks :)

Just a quick side note:  I called the MFM office this morning after realizing over the weekend that our Dr didn't tell us what Pooh's weight was measuring from the ultrasound.  And I guess with all of the commotion of the "keystone cops" trying to get my cervical length I forgot to ask.  I realize that this is not the biggest deal in the world but I wanted to know.  A very nice nurse from their office called back this afternoon to tell me that baby Pooh's weight was 1lb. and 2 oz. as of last Friday.  She is right where she should be...middle of the road at 46 percentile.  Keep growing, sweet Pooh!!!

Getting Close

Today we are 23 weeks which means we are one week away from official "viability".  It feels good yet incredibly scary to be so close to our big milestones; going into premature labor at 25 weeks and then delivering Harper at 26 weeks and 1 day.  Scary or not, we are getting there and so far things are progressing nicely. Knock on wood!  I just hope that they continue to do so for the next 16ish weeks!

We had our follow-up appointment with the high risk OB (MFM) last Friday.  All went well and sweet Pooh looked great, thankfully!  She was mostly cooperative as they got all of her measurements and she appears to be growing right on track.  She is quite the wiggly little thing, so much that the nurse performing the ultrasound asked me what we had for lunch. :)

The nurse who did our scan apparently didn't get a "nice enough" picture of my cervix so when the Dr came in she wanted another look see.  So much fun, two vaginal ultrasounds in one visit!  *Note the sarcasm*  These two women were like frick and frack trying to get me in an appropriate position and then getting the equipment in a good place to check my cervix.  It was pretty comical.  My cervix looked good, though, measuring right at 4cm.

The other thing we found out is that I have an anterior placenta.  Other than making it more difficult to feel these early movements, it should pose no medical risk.  It could make a c-section more tricky and baby would have a higher likely hood of being in the "sunny side up" position at birth meaning face up instead of face down which could make a vaginal delivery more challenging.  But hopefully in time the placenta will move as my uterus grows and it won't pose a problem.  If an anterior placenta is the biggest of my worries during this pregnancy, I will take it gladly!

Here is a picture of our stubborn little girl...she wouldn't take her hands down from her face and look at those pursed lips, she is primping already!!  So in love with her <3

**edit** Apparently my math skills were lacking yesterday when I posted this, saying that we needed to keep progressing smoothly for the next 18ish weeks.  That makes 41 weeks and as much as I would like to go all the way to full term at 40 weeks, I am pretty sure that we are planning on inducing at week 39 which means we need boring for another 16 weeks :)