Appreciation Tea

Well, my speech at the Appreciation Tea went well on Friday.  They had a nice turn out with about 50+ in attendance including the hospital CEO.  We brought one of our framed pictures of Harper with us and sat it on our table and got to show her off a bit. :)  I loved being able to talk about her even though I was in tears before I even began.   It felt great to be able to thank the people who volunteer their time and services to make memory boxes for people like me who expect to leave the hospital with a baby but don't.  Those boxes give us something to hold onto.

As I walked back to my chair after speaking I noticed most of the room in tears, wiping their eyes.  It filled me with such pride to know that Harper's story touched their hearts.  It felt wonderful to do good in her name.  I received a lot of hugs and thanks for being there and having the courage to speak.  One woman told me how brave I was and that she wouldn't have been able to stand up there and speak as I did.  I told her that it is easy to talk about someone you love so much.  Honestly, I wasn't really nervous (maybe a little)...just emotional.  I did it for my daughter.  I don't get to do much for her so I try and parent her in anyway I can.  I have to be her voice.  Harper has made me a stronger person even though I don't feel so strong at times.  I feel her pushing me.  I strive to be the person that she would want me to be - to honor her memory the best way that I can.

Here is my speech...

Good afternoon.  My name is Rhiannon Johnson and I wanted to speak today to share a little bit of the story of my loss and to take this opportunity to pay a very special thank you to the volunteers who provide their time and donations for the bereavement services at the Medical Center.  

I was admitted to the Medical Center in pre-term labor on my birthday. I was 6 months into my blissfully naive and uneventful pregnancy with my first child.  I had no idea that I would be getting discharged 9 days later without my daughter in my arms but instead with a broken heart, shattered dreams and a very special box that has turned out to be one of my most treasured possessions. 

My daughter, Harper, was born on June 25th at 4:39 in the afternoon. She was 1 lb 15 oz, 14 inches long and beautiful.  She had a head of red hair, big hands and her daddy's nose.  Harper was perfect and healthy in every way but she was born too soon.  

I did not come to the hospital that night prepared for what lay ahead of me.  Giving birth to my daughter, holding her in my arms and leaving the hospital without her was an incomprehensible thought.  It never occurred to me that she might die.  She was a strong girl, a fighter.  I just knew that if she came early that she would be one of the miracles. But we didn't get our miracle, she died and our world came crashing down.   I was in shock and very unprepared to say the least.  

I didn't bring any keepsakes with me to the hospital.  No receiving blankets to wrap my baby girl in, no pretty dress for her pictures, no camera.  I didn't know how much all of these things would come to mean to me in the coming days, weeks and months.  Thankfully, you all did.  

Thanks to your generous and heartfelt donations I have a box full of tangible memories of Harper's short life.  I have something to hold, something that she touched.  Keepsakes that are so dear to my heart and that have gotten me through a lot of dark days when I was so thankful to have something that was hers.  Something that acknowledged her short but meaningful life. 

The pain of losing her and all of the dreams we had for her has been unbearable and suffocating at times.  The grief can be paralyzing.  Your kind donations have meant more to me and my husband than I could ever put into words and my road to healing has started in part because of your kindness.  She had a moment in our arms, but will live on in our hearts for a lifetime.  Thank you.

BLM Therapy

Well, yesterday was so good for my heart.  I got to meet Priscilla, another BLM (baby loss mama) in real life!  When cyber space meets real life it is so cool.  Her and her hubby (and Oba!) just got stationed here, thanks to the Army, and I am so happy to have them :)

We had a wonderful lunch date....just two angel Moms hanging out.  I must say that it was good for my soul to be around someone who is like me, yet different.  I felt understood and accepted.  I loved that we were able to talk about our babies and everything else and it just seemed normal.  I am looking forward to getting the rest of our families together, doggies included, sometime soon.  

As a lot of you know from a previous post I am going to be doing a little public speaking tomorrow at an appreciation luncheon.  It is in honor of the volunteers who put together the memory boxes for my hospital.  I have been a  procrastinator my whole academic life.  My excuse has always been that I perform better under pressure and I guess this is no different since I just finished up my speech tonight.  Since it's about Harper, it is not surprising that it just flowed out of me.  Now I need to rehearse even though I have a feeling that as soon as I stand up there I will just be ad-libbing quite a bit.  Here's to kleenex and water proof mascara.  

I am not really nervous...yet.  I am actually excited to be able to talk about Harper with a room full of women who will most likely 'get it'.  Chances are they have been in my shoes at some point in their life.  So, please send prayers, good karma, and happy thoughts my way tomorrow as I hope to do good by Harper and honor my daughters sweet name.  

Heaven & Signs

Heaven...I think that the idea of Heaven is individual.  Everyone probably has different dreams about what they hope Heaven to be like.  I don't think anyone's vision of Heaven is right or wrong, just personal.  For me, I have never quite been on board with the idea of St. Peter in a white flowing robe standing at the pearly gates with streets of gold behind him letting the forgiven have passage and striking the sinners down to Lucifer in the fiery pits of hell.

Until Harper died, I had never given a ton of thought to what Heaven would look like for me.  I just knew that I as long as it included loved ones who were happy and healthy that was enough.  Maybe it included pearly gates and maybe it didn't.  I don't think any of us will know that for sure until we get there.  Now, I think about it a lot.  I want to know of the place where my baby girl now resides.  Her Heavenly home where she will spend eternity.

Recently, I was reading Life Touches Life by Lorraine Ash.  It is a great book about a Mother's journey to healing after her first and only child is stillborn.  For me, it was a very inspirational read.  As she touched on this topic of Heaven and eternal life, I felt a wave of comfort come over me.  I will share an excerpt from her book that she actually took from John O'Donohue's Anam Cara, a book of Celtic wisdom.

"The dead are our nearest neighbors; they are all around us.  Meister Eckhart was once asked, Where does the soul of a person go when the person dies?  He said, no place.  Where else would the soul be going?  Where else is the eternal world?  It can be nowhere other than here.  We have falsely spatialized the eternal world.  We have driven the eternal world out into some kind of distant galaxy.  Yet the eternal world does not seem to be a place but rather a state of being.  The soul of the person goes no place because there is no place to go.  This suggests that the dead are here with us, in the air that we are moving through all the time. The only difference between us and the dead is that they are now in invisible form.  You cannot see them with the human eye.  But you can sense the presence of those you love who have died.  With refinement of your soul, you can sense them.  You feel that they are near."


I have always felt that souls are all around us in a way but didn't know how to articulate it properly.  I think that this passage does so perfectly.  They are in the wind, the stars, the trees, the ocean.  I truly believe that our loved ones are with us even in death sending us signs showing us that they are never far from us.  I believe it because I have witnessed it.  I do feel Harper with me and maybe that is her Heaven, to be here with her parents who love her and miss her so deeply.

On the day that Harper was born we received a beautiful gift and sign from her.  It was in the photos taken by the hospital photographer.

The photographer assured us over and over that she did not pose Harper's hand.  Chris being an orthopaedic surgeon said that there aren't any ligaments in the hand that would involuntarily make the "i love you" sign.  That this must be some divine intervention.

It gets even more special.  Through out my pregnancy with Harper, Chris would make that sign with his hand and put it on my belly at night before bed or when we were just hanging out on the couch.  That has always been our 'thing', even before I was pregnant.  When ever we would bid each other farewell, we would hold up our hand to give off one last silent "I love you".  It turns out that Harper knew her Mommy and Daddy well.  I think that would make even a skeptic believe in signs...

I posted this quote a couple of posts ago but felt it was very relevant to this post also...

"And if I go while you’re still here…
know that I live on, vibrating to a
different measure behind a thin
veil you cannot see through. You
will not see me so you must have
faith. I wait the time when we can
soar again, both aware of each
other. Until then, live your life to
its fullest, and when you need me
just whisper my name in your
heart…I will be there."

-Author Unknown

Defining Moments

So, I feel that in the last couple of days I have turned a corner.  Anyone who has experienced grief knows it comes in waves, so I am hoping that I won't be making a U-turn anytime soon.   I have felt a little more peace in my heart as of late and I am not really sure what the turning point was -- or if it was even a true turning point.  It could have been just a string of good days.

Grief is consuming and I have definitely been letting mine consume me.  I feel like I have been stumbling around in the dark without a lantern, fumbling through my days.  Lost.  My anger, my sadness, my bitterness -- my spirit and my heart have been shattered and I have just been trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces.  I have been wallowing in the pits of despair, the hopeless, miserable pits for almost four months.  Wow, it will be four months on Monday.  I truly never thought I would or could survive this long without her.  It's not that I am letting go of my grief, that isn't possible....I will always grieve for her.  I will always miss her.  Seeing newborn babies makes me sad and probably will for some time.  A piece of me will always be missing.  She will always be missing and with every ounce of every fiber in my body I wish she were here with us.  My heart will always be scarred and bruised.  With every laugh or piece of happiness that I feel there will always be sadness lurking close to the surface.  Grief will always be present.  I just need to learn to navigate through it.  To live with it.  To Live.

I have been letting my grief define me.  I have let myself go and it is time to get off my miserable rear and try to walk forward.  Even if it only one step at a time.  I know I will take steps backward from time to time and I will fall down but I will stand back up.  I can't keep letting my grief keep me down.  I have so many reasons to keep living.  I have been blessed with a husband who I surely don't deserve, he is my  Prince Charming...always has been and always will be.  I have a family (in-laws included:) who love and support us no matter what...who have been here for us, every step of the way.  I have sweet friends who check on us often and let us know that Harper is not forgotten.  Zeus and Luna, who's unconditional puppy love warm my heart on even my saddest days.  And of course, my most precious blessing, my Harper, the sweet little girl who made me a Mommy -- a tiny baby who taught me so much more about love and devotion than I ever could have understood.  A little girl who will always hold the most special place in my heart and will always remind me how fragile and precious life is and how important it is to embrace it despite all of the bumps in the road.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  ~Anais Nin


"Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even Death can take it away." ~ Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

A Loss Not Forgotten

On October 15th we went to A Loss Not Forgotten, a remembrance ceremony hosted by the hospital where Harper was born.  It was put on by the Parent's Advisory Council and they did a very nice job.  My Mom joined us and we met Chris's parents there.  We all walked in together and signed in.  The receptionist asked me if I was 'Mom'?  Are you Mom?  That's not something that I get asked very often, not ever actually.  I like being called 'Mom'.  That's when the tears started and they didn't stop until the program was over.  I answered, "yes" and signed in.  She handed me a program and a bookmark and told me to take a rose of the appropriate color once inside the reception area.  

Inside the program was a list of the different types of loss and the color of rose to take.  For me: Miscarriage...Coral Rose & Preemie born between 23-34 weeks...Lavender Rose.  I had two roses and my heart was just broken.  Two roses. Two losses.  They started with a nice introduction and guest speaker.  I don't remember much of what the guest speaker even talked about but he closed with a lovely poem about the living with the loss of a child.  I can't even remember much of the poem but I do remember it saying that our children live on through us and they will always live on in our hearts.  I really felt comforted by his words.  

Then the rose ceremony.  The social workers stood up and started reading a description of each type of loss and when they were finished reading we all repeated the words, "We Remember".  And then the Moms and Dads of the babies in that particular category walked to the front of the room and put their rose in the vase.  They read narratives for Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Preemie born before 23 weeks, Preemie born between 24-34 weeks, Full term birth, and SIDS/infant death.  The narratives were just beautiful.  I could tell that the women reading them had either experienced that type of loss or had spent a lot of time with someone who had.  There were so many mommies & daddies with roses.  So many babies taken too soon.  So much loss.  So many tears.  As we put our rose in the vases, we were given a yellow rose, a HOPE rose.  

Then the slide show of names.  All of the sweet names of our babies.  The tears were drying up a bit until Harper's name came on the screen...

Harper Grace Johnson  

June 25, 2010 

There it was, our sweet girls name.  It was like a knife in my chest, it hurt so bad.  I just put my head on Chris's shoulder and sobbed and I saw that he had tears in his eyes, too.  He misses her so much, too.  I loved seeing her name up there though.  I always love seeing her name.  I just stared at the screen, I didn't want to miss seeing her for even a second.  She is our baby and very much with us, if only in our hearts.  

There are so many other babies that were not listed on that slide show that were being remembered that night also.  Babies of all the sweet mamas I have come to know here.  Jacob, Kai, Drew, Charlotte, Peyton, Riley, Lily, Bailey, Laken, Kennedy, Josey, Oliver, Stevie, Mikayla, Audrey, Aidan, Stella, Olivia, Kenny, Liam....the list goes on.  So many heartbroken parents that are missing their children every minute of every day. 

I was so sad thinking that we, as parents to angels, don't get to do normal parent things.  No soccer games, no dance recitals, no PTA meetings, no play dates, no volunteering to be the 'homeroom mom'.  We get to attend memorial ceremonies, butterfly releases, balloon releases, memorial gardens, and walks in honor of our children.  Our children may be gone but they will live on through us, we honor them by living our lives and by doing all of the things that they will never get to do.  We will speak their names, we will remember them, we will honor their memories in any way that we can.   We wanted so much for our children but this is all we have....Love.

"And if I go while you’re still here…
know that I live on, vibrating to a
different measure behind a thin
veil you cannot see through. You
will not see me so you must have
faith. I wait the time when we can
soar again, both aware of each
other. Until then, live your life to
its fullest, and when you need me
just whisper my name in your
heart…I will be there."

-Author Unknown

Field of Dreams

I had a dream about Harper last night.  I rarely dream about her.

I was walking by myself along a path in a field surrounded by a thick forest of trees.  As I was walking, I heard the voice of a little girl yell out, "Mooooommmmyyy".  I started to looked around for someone else...some other mommy.  Then I realized it was her, my sweet angel.  A ginger haired little girl of about 4 or 5 came running out of the woods as fast as she could toward me, her mommy.  She had her curly hair pulled back in two barrettes and she was wearing a white dress to her knees.  I scooped her up and hugged her so tightly and I swung her around and around.

Then I woke up.  I tried so hard to go back to sleep.  Tried and tried.  I wanted more.  More dream that included me and Harper together.  Of course because I was trying so hard it just woke me up more.  I just lay in bed sobbing.  I miss her so much.

I have relived that dream in my head so many times today.  Feeling happy and sad.  Happy because Harper was paying her Mama a visit and I got to see her, hear her voice, hug her.  Sad because the only way we will ever be able to visit with each other is in my dreams.  It has me wondering if I will ever be called 'Mommy' in real life.  Will I ever hear the sweet sound of a child's voice call out for me?

Trust in dreams, for in them is the hidden gate to eternity.  

Kahlil Gibran

Today & Always...

Please take a moment today to light a candle, say a prayer, and remember Harper and all of the sweet babies that were taken way too soon.  We remember them today and always...