Saturday, March 10, 2012

Re-post from Small Bird Studios! Please read this!!

Phenomenal piece by Fran over at small bird studios.  If you have not read this, please do.  It is amazing!
When you lose a baby...
You don’t know what to expect.
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.
You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.
You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.
It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.
You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.
You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.
You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.
You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.
Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.
You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.
You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.
You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.
Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.
People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.
You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.
There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.
You lose friends. You find new ones.
You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.
You would do anything for another minute with your child.
You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.
You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
You want to know what went wrong, and why…
You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.
You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.
You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.
You learn to live with the pain.
You are better for having known them at all.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Sketch info

I meant to include this information in my original post but I forgot!  Dana Klein is the sketch artist who drew the beautiful sketch of Harper from my previous post.  She was incredibly sweet and easy to work with.  If you are interested in getting a sketch of your angel, I would definitely recommend her.  She has a website but I had the best luck contacting her on facebook.  :)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

It's been awhile.

I just logged in to catch up on my BLM blog reading and gasped when I saw that my last post was on Thanksgiving.  What a slack a$$ I am.  It's embarrassing.  I honestly feel awful that I don't blog near enough (at all) anymore.  I think about it so much and actually write a lot of blog entries in my head, they just never make it onto "paper".  I think about all of my BLMs and our angels so much and read along with you all when I can.  Other than being a mom to Norah and staying very busy with her, the reason I haven't blogged in a while is that I feel so guilty that I haven't in forever that it seems easier to just not.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I feel guilty because I wonder if people who used to read here think that now because I don't (blog) that I don't miss Harper with my whole being anymore.  Well that is just not the case.  I still do and I always will.

She has been very close to our hearts the past six months as we have watched Norah change from a newborn to a smiley, beautiful, happy baby--all the experiences that we never got to have with Harper.  I catch myself wondering if Harper and Norah would have looked alike, if her giggles would sound like Norah's, if they would have liked the same things and if their personalities would have been similar.  I know I will never know but I can't help but wonder.

My Christmas present to myself and to a few family members this year was a sketch I had done of Harper from her hospital pictures. It turned out beautifully and is hanging proudly in our entry way with the rest of our family just where she belongs.  

I love it and am so happy that I had it done!  And because a post wouldn't be complete without an updated picture of she is!!  My sweet baby girl!  This is taken on her half birthday.  She looks like such a big girl sitting up by herself.  She is such a doll and I feel so lucky to be her mommy.  My heart seriously wants to burst with the love I have for this child.  I am blessed beyond measure.  

That bow is seriously hanging on by a little red thread ;)