Love

On Harper's eight month angelversary I wanted to share a few quotes that I love and that make me think of my sweet baby in the sky.  

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose, 

all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

-Helen Keller

As long as I live, you will be remembered.

As long as I live, you will be loved.

As long as I live, you will live.
-Author Unknown

And if I go while you’re still here…
know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure behind a thin veil you cannot see through. 

You will not see me so you must have faith. 

I wait the time when we can soar again, both aware of each other. 

Until then, live your life to its fullest, 

and when you need me just whisper my name in your heart…I will be there."

-Author Unknown

Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even Death can take it away." 

-Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Live life to the fullest...

I am still here, I have just been SO tired...but I am not complaining!!  Every bit of nausea, every food aversion, and every time I feel I have lost all motivation to do anything, I feel so thankful!  All of these things mean that our little Pooh Bear is thriving *I hope*.  At this stage in my pregnancy I really have no way to know what is going on inside of my body but I am trying my best to stay positive for our sweet baby and do everything in my power to take care of him or her.  If only I had a crystal ball...

Last week was busy as Chris and I parted ways for the whole week.  He went to San Diego for work stuff and I decided to go to Charleston to spend some quality time with my family.  Our original plan was for me to join him in Cali but after finding out about our little one in tow, we decided that it was best for mama to keep her feet on the ground.  I was very emotional about us being apart for a week.  I know what most of you are thinking...a week?!?  Give me a break!  What you may not understand is that #1: I am extremely hormonal and #2: my husband and I are joined at the hip.  We are best friends and we do everything together, he is my rock and my favorite person to be around so to be apart for a week was a pretty big deal for us.  Thankfully, I had some good distractions with being at home AND I gained a whole week of being pregnant! This past Sunday marked 10 weeks :)

Chris brought me a very sweet gift from his trip.  Handcrafted metal art dragonflies!!  I have not decided where to hang them yet but it will definitely be someplace special.

The dragonflies came with this inscribed on a card by the artist...

"Native American tradition as well as many cultures throughout the world have, for thousands of years, recognized the dragonfly as a symbol of a positive life force.  The dragonfly is a reminder to "Live life to the fullest" and to make the most of our time on earth.  Its association with water also symbolizes purity, dreaming, happiness and change."

I swear sometimes I feel like Harper reaches me in the most unlikely ways.

Ray of Light

Yesterday was a really good day!  I had my first "official" appointment with my OB and it went so much better than I had been planning.  I had it all played out in my head, so sure that I would receive some sort of bad news.  I had myself worked into such a tizzy that I almost threw up right before my appointment.  Luckily, I was greeted with big smiles and hugs when I got to the doctor's office as I met Chris and his Mom there.  I am glad that they were there to hold my hand as I am sure I would have been even more of a basket case had I been alone.

I braced myself for the ultrasound since the last time I was in this particular office and ultrasound room was when we got the news of our blighted ovum.  Bad memories.  Thankfully, that room redeemed itself.  Before I could even see anything on the screen I heard cries of joy, apparently my OB has quick eyes.  We saw our little Pooh Bear dancing around a bit on the screen and heard that most amazing sound, our baby's heartbeat!  At a very healthy rate of 167, it was music to my ears!!  Everyone was cheering and there wasn't a dry eye in the room.  I, seriously, have not felt that much *true* happiness in such a long time.  The feeling is indescribable.  Pure joy, hope and relief.  It felt like a little ray of light was finally able to break through the dark, heavy clouds of my grief.  For the first time in a long time I felt like everything was going to be okay.  It doesn't take away the worry or the fear of the worst happening again but it is nice to have a little spark of something miraculous back in our lives.

We left the appointment walking on air.  Of course as soon as I got into my car, I started crying again.  I just felt so thankful and so blessed right there in that moment.  So hopeful.  I looked up into the beautiful blue sky and sent Harper my love and told her how much I wish that she were here.  I thanked her, too because I know that she is the one who sent us this new hope.

To use my OB's words, "Harper is going to pave the way" and I believe that she is.

**edit** For anyone who may want to know, we are 8w2d today as of Pooh's measurements and 8w3d as of my dates.  Right on track!!

**another edit** I meant to include this on the original post but must have spaced out.  Thanks, Jen for requesting a photo of Pooh!

Checking in

I haven't blogged since I shared my news so I wanted to check in.  I have been doing as well as can be expected, I think.  I have been so emotional and missing Harper so much.  Tears falling so much easier than they have in a while.  I know that this pregnancy won't be easy but I just wish that I could live in the naive state that I did with Harper.  Back when I just assumed everything would work out the way it was supposed to.  Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that this is not how my life works.  I am so worried that something will happen to Pooh Bear, that my body will mess this up, too.  I suppose it is normal to feel this way after all that we have been through but it is so hard.

I go in for my first official appointment this Tuesday, the 8th.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I hope our little Pooh is thriving and we get some good measurements and dates.  As of right now, my due date is set for September 20th...10 days before Harper's due date.  I am comforted and also a little freaked out by the fact that Pooh is following big sister's timeline.  I feel like it is Harper's way of giving her blessing.  I also realize that reaching milestones will be more difficult, especially around my birthday and Harper's...if we make it that far.

I have been feeling very pregnant, so that it definitely reassuring.  Being so nauseated has never made me so happy!

I am trying to accept that whatever the outcome is this time around, it is not up to me.  I have to learn to let go...easier said than done!  I will continue to do the best that I can for this little one and send all of the hope and positive energy I can muster to my little Pooh Bear.