Tuesday, April 26, 2011

April 25th

As yesterday came and went, it marked Harper's 10th month in Heaven.  While I miss my girl everyday, when it rolls around to the 25th of each month I can't help but feel her absence a bit more.  I know it is just a date but the 25th will always be significant and I can't imagine a time when it doesn't feel so.

Here are some new pictures of Harper's garden in our backyard with a special statue I found for my girls. As you can see, the pink flowers are gone but her dogwood has gone on to the next stage with lush, beautiful green leaves.  Blue birds are nesting in the bird house at the back of the fence, hopefully I will be able to sneak a picture once they hatch and leave the nest. :)

My dear sweet girl,

I bought this statue for your garden the other day and I just love how it symbolizes our life right now.  It is how I think of you and your baby sister...my two girls, always close in heart with so much love for each other, always connected.  As Pooh holds onto Piglet, we will always hold onto you, your spirit and your memory.  I miss you so much that my heart aches.

All my love for always baby girl,
your Mom forever

Saturday, April 23, 2011

19 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks pregnant and it is almost hard to believe it is really happening sometimes.  Time seems to be going by pretty fast so far in this pregnancy and as much as I am thankful for that, I also feel I want to slow the clock a little in order to give us more time to enjoy this little girl while I know that she is safe.   

We had our anatomy scan yesterday and boy was I a nervous wreck.   It started out a little rough for me since this was the same office and exam room that we had Harper's anatomy scan in exactly a year ago (Harper's was on April 22, 2010...I just realized this).  It brought back so many memories of that naive and blissful time when I couldn't imagine anything going wrong in my pregnancy and reminded me that so much can go wrong and that I have no control over the situation.  I was also reminded that I don't enjoy being a patient, at all.  I felt incredibly vulnerable sitting in that dark, quiet exam room on a stretcher covered in a white sheet waiting for the fate of my child to be revealed to me.  I would much rather be on the care giving end, that is for sure.  

The nurse who interviewed me was very kind.  Answering the "how many living children do you have" question is always difficult for me.  I guess I should be getting used to it by now but I am not and I don't think I ever will get used to saying that I have a daughter who passed away shortly after her birth.  It is just not natural.  Saying it out loud is just so hard especially being in the hospital setting.  It just takes me back, I suppose, and brings a flood of memories and emotions over me.  

Once our interview was done and my vitals had been taken she went out to get Chris so we could get started.  Once Chris was sitting in the chair next to me my nerves calmed a bit but he said my eyes were so wide and that I was "white knuckling" the whole time.  I suppose I was, I just wanted to know that everything was ok and that our girl was/is healthy.  Thankfully, she looked perfect!  She was so wiggly that it took the nurse a bit longer than I think she would have liked to get all of Pooh's measurements, which was fine with me since that was more time that we got to see our precious girl!

Holding her hand up by her face like one of Charlie's Angels :)

Our precious Pooh baby.

Very cool 3-D image of Pooh's face with her hands up by her chin where she kept them for most of the ultrasound.  

Despite my fears and worry, yesterday turned out to be such a great day!  It was wonderful to see our very active little girl growing just as she should.  I feel so hopeful and thankful right now and hope with all of my heart that we will bringing this healthy baby girl home safe, sound and breathing this September.  

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Love & Thanks

I have received a few very sweet emails over the last couple of weeks from mamas who have recently found my blog.  Telling me that they have been "touched by Harper's story" and that "we are an inspiration".  My heart is touched beyond words that these ladies have taken the time out of their lives to reach out and say hello and to let me know that there are people out there still reading Harper's story and finding comfort and hope in it.

I started this blog last summer because I wanted a place for Harper, a place to honor her and celebrate her.  A place to come to and express myself without the worry of being judged because everyone here understood what I was going through.  A place where I could talk about her as much as I wanted to without making anyone uncomfortable.  I needed a place to scream out loud and find support in my grief.  I also wanted to reach out to other BLMs and to show my support for them with hopes that in telling our story someone would find comfort in it and know that we are walking this journey together, that we are not alone.  And to (hopefully) help those that were not walking in my shoes to better understand what I was going through.

I did, I found tons of support from some AMAZING women I had never actually 'met' but felt (still do!) such a closeness and kinship to, who have also had to say good bye to their sweet babies too soon.  Women who I feel closer to than some friends that I have known for years.  These mamas understand me and make me feel 'normal' and it is such a blessing to have them in my life.  I also found support from some real life friends who had not experienced this type of loss but cared enough to try and understand how my life was different now.

I wanted people to know that it is OK to talk about our babies and our grief and to ask us how we are doing.  I wanted others to know that not talking about Harper hurt more than the tears that would well up in my eyes when her name did come up in conversation because talking about her assured me that people weren't forgetting her.  Talking about her, though hard at times, brought and still brings me much comfort.

Now, as we are going through our rainbow pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions that come along with it, the support has not wained.  It has been incredibly important to express my thoughts and get some things off my chest in regards to being pregnant again.  To say out loud that Pooh is not a replacement for Harper nor would I ever expect her to be.  That happiness for one child does not take away the grief and longing for the other.  That Harper will always be our first born and Pooh will know all about her big sister in Heaven.  That we love both of our children and always will.  That pregnancy after loss is a terrifying ride but an experience that I am thankful for everyday.

I realize I am kind of rambling and I am not really sure where I am going with this but I guess I just wanted to say thank you.  Thank you letting me vent on more occasions than I can count and for making me feel like my vent was completely warranted.  Thank you for all of your love, kind words, and understanding.  Thank you for remembering my sweet Harper and for celebrating the life of her precious baby sister.  Thank you for abiding with me.  Lots of love. <3

Thursday, April 7, 2011

In Bloom & Update

Harper's tree has been in full bloom this past couple of weeks.  The pink flowers on her dogwood have really opened up and look so beautiful.  Here are a few pictures...

We talked Zeus into posing in front of his sister's tree...what a regal boy!  

Luna was too busy hunting for lizards and bugs to stop by for a photo op!  

We had our 16 week check up with the OB and ultrasound on Tuesday.  Other than the ultrasound tech hurting my feelings at the beginning of the ultrasound, everything went great.  My cervical length was measuring at 5 cm and my Dr said that I have the cervix of a champion...well, that is certainly a relief! :)  She spent over 30 minutes with us answering questions and putting our worried hearts at ease.  The ultrasound went well, we got to see our little Pooh, with a strong heartbeat in the 150's, dancing around in my belly.  I never seem to get over how amazing it is that there is actually a little person growing inside me, it really is such a blessing.  Our little one was much bigger and had many more identifiable body parts this time which was very exciting!  At one point Pooh was holding onto the umbilical cord and all I could think was please, don't pull too hard!  

We did find out Pooh's gender and we are excited to announce that we are having another little GIRL!!  Harper is going to have a baby sister to watch over, actually I know that she already is.  

So, here she is, baby girl Pooh!!!  (or Pooh-ette as Chris has been joking!)  

Below is a picture of me and Pooh in front of her big sister's tree.  The shirt that I am wearing says "hope".  I find that to be very fitting these days as hope is all we have and holding onto little glimpses of it here and there is what gets me through my days and hopefully many days to come.

(possible trigger below)


Me and Pooh at 16 weeks!