Monday, June 25, 2012

Harper's 2nd birthday in Heaven

It is so hard to believe that two years have past since Harper Grace came into our lives and then left us so suddenly. I still have days when I can't believe that this is my life -- that I have a baby who is no longer of this world.  It is such an unnatural thing to live through and I find that it still catches me off guard at times, especially in June.  

When our loss was so fresh I couldn't imagine ever making it two years without her.  I would receive messages from other mommies who had been in our club for a year, two, etc and I just didn't know how they did it.  I had such a hard time seeing the hope that one day I would laugh again and be truly happy.  Now I am that mom and it is very surreal at times.  Norah has healed my heart in so many ways but there is still a sadness and longing for my first born.  Our lives were forever changed the day we held our angel for the first and last time.  That day seems like it should feel so far away but for me it feels like only yesterday.  

For Harper's 2nd birthday I wanted to do something a little different than my blanket making project last year.  I wanted to donate something to our hospital's bereavement services that I wish that I had had the foresight to do for Harper when she passed away.  Another special tangible keepsake since most of us never feel we have enough of those for our babies.  When Norah was born we took hand and foot molds and they are so special to me and of course, I wish we had the same for Harper.  So I decided that is what we would donate this year.  We donated 10 kits. It is comforting to be able to give something back in her honor in hopes that it will help another grieving family in their most difficult time.    

I read this poem at Harper's balloon release last year and reading it still brings tears to my eyes.  I think it is so beautiful so I wanted to share it again. 

Look For Me In Rainbows 
by Vicki Brown

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.

In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.

In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then

My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.

Every waking moment, and all your whole life through
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,

And I'll be there with you.

Of course her day wouldn't be complete without a balloon release.  We released six pink balloons into the Heavens for our baby girl and we celebrated Harper's short but meaningful life as she has touched so many.  We may have only held her in our arms for a short while but she will remain in our hearts for always.

Norah is wearing a sweet Piglet and Pooh one piece in honor of big sister. 

I love this song and have been listening to it a lot lately.  It makes me think of Harper and of all of her angel friends that are gone from this world too soon.  I know my sweet girl is near and watching over us but I wish I could just hold her one more time and kiss her sweet face again.  I find comfort in knowing that day will come and until then I will look for her in rainbows.  

Sunday, June 24, 2012

On edge

I am on edge and everything is making me cry and my heart hurts.  We had a scare last night with Norah's angel care monitor-she is fine but I really lost it.  As in, couldn't stop crying for hours lost it.  Why do I have to live in a world where babies die?  Why did one of my babies have to die?  Why do any of us have to live here?  It's not fair.  I hate that my eyes have been opened up to this harsh reality--it sucks.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Feeling dumb

Some of you may realize that I deleted the post that went out this morning.  I started working on my post for Harper's 2nd birthday this morning, wanting to make sure that I had plenty of time before her birthday which is on June 25th.  Apparently, I hit the 'publish' button instead of the 'save' button and my post was prematurely published.  I don't like the way this new blogger format is set up - I realize it is not that new but I am not the greatest about posting these days so it is new to me.  Unfortunately I had no idea the post went out until I saw the sweet comment from Jennifer.  I debated with myself, feeling like a fool for screwing up something as important as her birthday post and I had finally decided I was going to leave it since so many had already read it but I have decided that I am not really done with it and I will post the rest on Harper's day.  I am not sure where my head the clouds, I guess.