17 days or less...

As of today, we have at least 17 days until we get to meet our sweet girl.  I still do a double take when I look over at the lilypie ticker and see how far we have come.  I will be 39 weeks on September 12th and we will not go past that date, however we may be meeting her sooner than that, since at my last Dr appt we learned that the contractions I have been having, though irregular, have caused me to become 2cm dilated and 50% effaced...exciting and scary...is this really happening?!?  I hope she can hang out until the 12th but we feel confident that if she were to make an earlier entrance that she would be ok.  It is so exciting and surreal to think that we have just a little over two weeks until this part of our journey is over and a new one begins.  Even being this close, it is so hard to believe that it may actually happen.  I get giddy just thinking about the possibility of a happy ending.

I had the last of my progesterone shots this past Monday.  I actually got emotional after my nurse, who has taken such good care of me and my nerves, walked out my door that morning.  She kept calling it our finale visit and me a graduate.  It was cute.  I will miss seeing her every week but I am so excited to have reached this milestone, I will be 37 weeks (FULL TERM!!!) this coming Monday and I never thought in a million years I would be saying that.   It feels good, really good.

We have been in full prep mode for Pooh Bear.  I had my second shower last Saturday thrown by my sweet friends at work, where I haven't actually worked since February, and we received so many thoughtful gifts.  They are a group of incredibly kind and generous ladies and it was so great seeing everyone and celebrating the upcoming arrival of our girl!

Between my two showers there was only a small handful of things that we actually had to go out and buy.  So, this week we got all the last minute things that we need, have washed clothes ( I love the way Dreft smells), organized the nursery and put things away.  All of this last minute nesting has been such a blessing but has stirred up many emotions in our house.  There were a lot of things that we had purchased or received as gifts for Harper that we never got around to washing, folding or putting away with care in a nursery that was initially prepared for her.  So as good (GREAT!!) as it feels to be prepping for Pooh, there is still plenty of grieving for all of things that we missed out on with her big sister.  The complexity of emotions is amazing to me, so happy and sad all at the same time but still so incredibly blessed.

17 days, sweet girl, but you can come on out if you are ready.  Your mommy and daddy can't wait to finally meet you an see your sweet face.  We love you so, so, so much.

Reduce.Reuse.Recycle?!?

I have had two different people ask me if we are planning on "reusing" Harper's name for Pooh.  This question is unbelievable to me.  Why would we reuse her name?  That is her name, it is the name we gave to her.  People with living children don't name their kids the same thing, do they?  Of course not.  So, why would we?

It just brings back to the surface that most people really just don't get it.  Do they think that just because Harper passed away that she doesn't count anymore or that her name doesn't belong to her because she is not alive?  Do they not understand that she is our first born and always will be?  That just because she died doesn't mean that she isn't a person.  That we love her, planned for her, wanted her, and still miss her so much that it hurts.

Every time I hear about another little girl who is given the name, Harper, it stings me and it kind of ticks me off (like I have rights to the name Harper, or something).  And I suppose it will always feel this way.  "Harper" is a name that has been gaining in popularity over the last 9 months or so, which I attribute to a few celebrity babies.  For us, it was a family name and when we chose it for our girl, it wasn't popular at all.  It was my husbands great grand-father's middle name. His name was John Harper Johnson.  So I assume that it was a surname from that side of the family from long ago, since that is what southerners do. :)   It will always be a special name to us because it is our daughter's name.  It is the name we gave to her.  And her baby sister will have her very own, special name, too.  Well actually, she already does!  Stay tuned for that :)

"Home free"...yea, right!!

**I apologize in advance, this is a bit of a rant.  I almost didn't post this because I probably sound like some weirdo, hormonal pregnant woman who needs help because she worries too much but I needed to get this off my chest. :)

The comment usually goes something like this and it has been said to me many times in the last few weeks, "You are home free now that you are in the third trimester. You can stop worrying so much, you will have that baby in your arms sooner than you can think. You are good, you are past 28 weeks. The baby will be fine. You are so deserving of this." (insert raised eyebrows, eye roll and jaw dropping to the floor here)  I think I usually say something to the effect of "thank you and we sure hope so"...I can't remember exactly as I am usually in shock as to their naivety and obvious crystal ball reading skills.

What I want to say was "How do you know that everything will be fine and who says that I wasn't deserving before.  Everyone I know who has lost a baby, hasn't lost their beloved babe because she was undeserving or because she would have been a terrible mother.  Plain and simple, life isn't fair, sh*t happens to good people and we were unfortunately one of the unlucky statistics." But that probably comes off as a little saucy and I am not usually the confrontational type.

The comment, "you can stop worrying so much" is laughable, too.  Stop worrying?  Ha!  That will never happen.  It's not that I worry because I like to worry, believe me, I hate it.  I hate that the innocence of pregnancy has been stolen from me.  I hate that with every twinge, every day without much movement, every cramp (even though it is probably gas), I worry.  I can't help it.  My mind is programmed to worry and to expect the worst because I have lived through the worst.   I hate that I can't just expect a happy ending.  But unfortunately, I know better.

"You are good, you are past 28 weeks".  Nope!  Wrong again, I know of too many people who lost it all close to the end, right at the end of their pregnancies, or had to say good bye to their sweet ones days or even months after they were born.  While I realize that all of this is rare, it still happens more than I care to think about.  Again, I don't enjoy worrying but it is just something that comes along with pregnancy after a loss.  And I have been exposed to a whole community of "deserving" parents who came out on the crappy end of the statistics.

Do I have hope?  Of course I do, I am not doom and gloom all of the time.  I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if I didn't.  I hope and pray with all my heart and soul that we will get our happy ending this time and that we will get to bring this baby girl home to raise, nurture and love here on earth.  But I can't assume that just because I have made it to my third trimester and am a little over 5 weeks away from delivering.  I know that the chance of tragedy striking again is slim, but there is always that chance.  Just because I have lost one child doesn't exempt me from losing again.  I wish it did, but that isn't how life works.

I love being pregnant, it is a miracle that is truly beyond words.  To grow another human being, another life is amazing.  It is the most rewarding, remarkable thing that I have ever done.  I am thankful for everyday that I get to carry this sweet girl and take care of her and protect her.  I am her mother, I will always worry about her.  Even when she is here, there will always be worries.  And I don't know if I will ever feel like we are out of the woods.

People who haven't been in my shoes don't understand and how could I expect them to?  It is impossible to imagine the unimaginable.  I appreciate that most people around me are so optimistic and I really do try to be, but it is hard.  Somedays are just harder than others.  In my heart, I feel that our Pooh will make it and that we will get to bring her home.  But it is just hard to hear the words, "I know that everything will be ok this time" because no one really knows.  We hope, we pray, we have faith and that is really all that we can do.

From our BPP this week, LOVE that sweet face <3
Yes, those are hands AND feet by her face :)

Guess whooo had her first baby shower?!?

I did!  This past Saturday, my dear friend, Caroline threw a beautiful baby shower in my honor.  It was a wonderful day; full of friends, good food, sweet gifts and lots of love.  Caroline gave the most heartfelt toast before the shower began that had me in tears (of course!). We toasted to the hopes and dreams we have for sweet Pooh and also remembered her big sister, Harper, and the love that we will always carry for her.   It was such a great day and I feel so blessed to have so much love and support as we continue on this crazy journey.   

Here are a few pictures!!

Handmade, yes handmade (!!), invitations.  Aren't they cute? 

(I blacked out her address and phone number)

Me with my very crafty and talented hostess with the mostest and Roscoe.

Me and Mom.

The group of lovely ladies.  (The tissue pom poms at the top of the picture were also handmade. ) 

Two rainbows at the shower :)

Pretty table with diaper cake in the back ground.  

The cutest cake ever, I absolutely loved the owl theme! These little guys are full of so much personality!

Yummy chocolate fountain.  To.die.for! 

Oh my carpal tunnel!!!

I may seem to have been absent from blog land for a while -- not posting or commenting as much as I usually do.  But I have been here, reading and keeping up with everyone.  I have just been trying to keep my fingers away from the keyboard because of this very lovely pregnancy symptom that I have, carpal tunnel syndrome, and lucky me, I have it in both hands!!  Just about every use of my hands and fingers causes pain, tingling and numbness.  Holding the phone up to my ear, brushing my teeth, holding a fork, texting, holding a book, etc. If it involves using my hands, it is no fun!  I have even had a hard time sleeping at night because it is hard to find a position that's not on my back that keeps my arms and hands in a neutral position and doesn't cause excruciating pain.

Whine, whine, whine...I know.  While this is definitely not a fun preggo symptom, I know that it is temporary and I mean it when I say, that it is worth it.  And I don't say that because I look like a total hottie in these snazzy wrist braces.  It is proof that I am still pregnant (in the oppressive Georgia heat) and that Pooh is growing stronger by the day.  I am 33 weeks and 6 days pregnant today and I am so thankful for that.  Only three more progesterone shots and five more NST's to go.  It is pretty mind blowing when I stop and think about how far we have come and how close we are to meeting our sweet girl face to face.  The countdown continues.

Exhibits A & B:

See?!?  I told you they were snazzy :)