Thursday, August 11, 2011

"Home free"...yea, right!!

**I apologize in advance, this is a bit of a rant.  I almost didn't post this because I probably sound like some weirdo, hormonal pregnant woman who needs help because she worries too much but I needed to get this off my chest. :)

The comment usually goes something like this and it has been said to me many times in the last few weeks, "You are home free now that you are in the third trimester. You can stop worrying so much, you will have that baby in your arms sooner than you can think. You are good, you are past 28 weeks. The baby will be fine. You are so deserving of this." (insert raised eyebrows, eye roll and jaw dropping to the floor here)  I think I usually say something to the effect of "thank you and we sure hope so"...I can't remember exactly as I am usually in shock as to their naivety and obvious crystal ball reading skills.

What I want to say was "How do you know that everything will be fine and who says that I wasn't deserving before.  Everyone I know who has lost a baby, hasn't lost their beloved babe because she was undeserving or because she would have been a terrible mother.  Plain and simple, life isn't fair, sh*t happens to good people and we were unfortunately one of the unlucky statistics." But that probably comes off as a little saucy and I am not usually the confrontational type.

The comment, "you can stop worrying so much" is laughable, too.  Stop worrying?  Ha!  That will never happen.  It's not that I worry because I like to worry, believe me, I hate it.  I hate that the innocence of pregnancy has been stolen from me.  I hate that with every twinge, every day without much movement, every cramp (even though it is probably gas), I worry.  I can't help it.  My mind is programmed to worry and to expect the worst because I have lived through the worst.   I hate that I can't just expect a happy ending.  But unfortunately, I know better.

"You are good, you are past 28 weeks".  Nope!  Wrong again, I know of too many people who lost it all close to the end, right at the end of their pregnancies, or had to say good bye to their sweet ones days or even months after they were born.  While I realize that all of this is rare, it still happens more than I care to think about.  Again, I don't enjoy worrying but it is just something that comes along with pregnancy after a loss.  And I have been exposed to a whole community of "deserving" parents who came out on the crappy end of the statistics.

Do I have hope?  Of course I do, I am not doom and gloom all of the time.  I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if I didn't.  I hope and pray with all my heart and soul that we will get our happy ending this time and that we will get to bring this baby girl home to raise, nurture and love here on earth.  But I can't assume that just because I have made it to my third trimester and am a little over 5 weeks away from delivering.  I know that the chance of tragedy striking again is slim, but there is always that chance.  Just because I have lost one child doesn't exempt me from losing again.  I wish it did, but that isn't how life works.

I love being pregnant, it is a miracle that is truly beyond words.  To grow another human being, another life is amazing.  It is the most rewarding, remarkable thing that I have ever done.  I am thankful for everyday that I get to carry this sweet girl and take care of her and protect her.  I am her mother, I will always worry about her.  Even when she is here, there will always be worries.  And I don't know if I will ever feel like we are out of the woods.

People who haven't been in my shoes don't understand and how could I expect them to?  It is impossible to imagine the unimaginable.  I appreciate that most people around me are so optimistic and I really do try to be, but it is hard.  Somedays are just harder than others.  In my heart, I feel that our Pooh will make it and that we will get to bring her home.  But it is just hard to hear the words, "I know that everything will be ok this time" because no one really knows.  We hope, we pray, we have faith and that is really all that we can do.

From our BPP this week, LOVE that sweet face <3
Yes, those are hands AND feet by her face :)


Jenny said...

Right I understand. People think I'm crazy because I haven't bought anything for the baby. I keep saying I will do it all in September. I have some stuff from Megan leftover and that a few friends gave me but stuff happens to good people and i just can't say hey i'm home free. I don't even know that Ill be home free when its here. I may never feel homefree. I mean Megan was 18 months and the unimaginable happens. Our innocence is gone and we can no longer just trust our hearts to do this blindly like others can.

Mary said...

You are a mom who has experienced the worst...of course you're gonna worry. You'll worry for the rest of your life, you'll never know the meaning of home free. Just know that we're all here praying for Pooh's safe arrival. Sending you lots of hugs today! BTW, sweet picture of Pooh!

Tiffany said...

I don't think this is something people can understand until they have the unfortunate luck of being in our shoes. Ellie passed away at nine months old from a freak infection... By nine months, I thought we were in the clear- you never know. At any age, at any point in time. When you lose a child you never lose sight of this fact. It's not fair. Pooh is a beautiful already and I can't wait until you are able to share real pictures with us!

LauraJane said...

Pooh looks great! :) I don't know whether it's possible to not be terrified while pregnant again... Once the "given" is longer so.

Bleh. Optimism, I guess. And 34+ weeks?!! Go you! :)

Drew's Parents said...

What a precious face she has! I am so so excited for you! <3 <3 <3
I completely understand your reactions to those well-meaning but frustratingly naive comments. We know all too well how fragile life is, both during and after pregnancy. At each stage I would think about a baby loss mom who had lost her sweet angel at that time. And now, I think about those parents who have lost their babies to SIDS. Worry is normal for any parent, but I think being a BLM makes our sensitivity to the possibilities (however rare) higher. Like you said, we ended up on the crap end of the statistics before! I am hoping and praying like crazy that Ms. Pooh Bear is going to be perfectly fine and that soon you will be holding her in your arms. I can't wait to see those pictures! Love you! <3

Becky said...

I hate that we, blm's, can no longer be as excited about pregnancy for the fear that something can go wrong, again.
I hope and pray right along with you that your little Pooh will continue to grow and be strong and home in your arms soon enough:)

Sheri said...

I was stressed until the moment Noah arrived. Every ultrasound and kick gave me reassurance, but it wasn't until I held him in my arms that I could relax (and then a whole new fear kicked in!).

Hang in there, you're in the home stretch. I promise you, once Pooh arrives all of this will feel like a distant memory!

Caroline said...

While it totally sucks that we all had the innocence of pregnancy (the ignorance really) taken away from us, I do think it's opened all our eyes to how fragile life is and as a result we don't take anything for granted - just as you are able to enjoy your pregnancy with sweet Pooh, carpel tunnel and all!

And while people might try to convince you that you are in the clear or "normal" now, I have to say that I appreciate that you aren't ignorant enough to just assume so. That while you are out of the scary pre-term labor woods, there unfortunately are lots of other scary things and you aren't ignoring those (as much as I wish you could!)

But there sure is lots of hoping, praying, and wishing going on over here. I can't wait to meet Harper's sister and just love on her like crazy!!

Nicole said...

This sounds like I could have written these words myself!

I feel so many of these same things. And like you said, some days are easier than others. It does suck that we can't just sit back and enjoy pregnancy with the same rose colored glasses that most seem to have, but like you said, sometimes bad things just happen to good people.

One thing I've been told by other BLMs is that the next pregnancy (after a healthy living baby is born) is somehow "easier." I take that to mean that I won't be quite as freaked out! That's encouraging to least some.

You are close, so incredibly're getting there and you've been incredibly strong to this point. You will continue to be strong, and Pooh will continue to grow and develop. And while there is no guarantee, keep that faith that you have that she will be here healthy and beautiful.

You've got one more family rooting for you and praying for you!

Sarah said...

This is a great statement about pregnancy after loss. We are just beginning to consider it, and already I am anticipating all of the things that will go wrong..... sending cautious congratulations your way on your gorgeous new baby!

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