Feeling Blue

Warning: This post contains some negative content and I apologize. I am just blues'n today.

I am so sad and angry today, it seems the tears will not stop. I am thinking about all the ways my life should be different right now. All of the ways I feel cheated. All of the things I should be doing in preparation for my baby girl. Instead my life is now consumed with blogging everyday in honor of my dead daughter, reading other angel blogs, talking to Harper's urn & pictures and feeling so helpless to the pain of this loss. I hate going out in public because every time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn, it saddens me. That should be my life, but it is not. I especially hate seeing the moms who yank their babies around by their arms and blow cigarette smoke in their faces. Seriously, that mom was able to have her baby but mine was taken away. I don't get it! I have a beautiful nursery that my baby will never sleep in, never get rocked in. The door stays closed and I have not had the strength to put her things away yet. I relive Harper's birth day everyday. This should be a happy, joyous memory but it is not. That is the day that my life was sadly changed forever.

It seems like everything reminds me of my sweet angel. Everything reminds me that she is not here anymore. My stomach is flat and I hate it, it should be growing and full of life. Instead, it is empty. I am empty. No more miracles taking place inside of me, just pain. I pray for peace everyday and I am still trying to find it. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I have learned a lot of things as I drudge through this heartbreaking journey of losing my daughter. I will get to most these in another post. One of the most comforting things I have learned is that I am not alone. I have my loving, supportive, and loyal husband who is and has been my rock. He has dried so many of my tears and I love him so much. I have wonderful parents and in-laws, who I know are devastated beyond words for the loss of their grand daughter. I have family and friends who love me. They have all been there for me every step of the way and for that, I am eternally thankful.

I have also come in contact with a new circle of friends. They are from all over the world and all walks of life, they are fellow angel mommies. This is a group of strong, beautiful, supportive women who have made this road a little more bearable. There is just something about losing your child that only a mother who has been there can understand. I have read their stories and cried for their angels, as I know they have done for Harper.

I am sad to say that we have joined a sad club of Mommies and Daddies that had to say goodbye to their sweet babies too soon. It is terrible that there are so many of us out here. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is a blog that some of the angel moms started to help put a face to pregnancy and infant loss while also helping women who are facing these struggles know they are not alone. It is a beautiful site, full of amazing women. Please head over and check it out!

My Dearest Harper...

Good morning my sweet baby girl.

I was sad and missing you when I woke up today. My heart aches to hold you again, to touch you, to kiss you. I wish that we could have had more time together...a lifetime would have been nice! But as the days are going by, I am realizing that all of the wishing in the world will not change our sad reality. All of our tears will not bring you back, how I wish they would.

I miss you so much everyday. I think about you all the time and wish that you were still "cutting a rug" , as your Daddy used to say, in my tummy. I miss that more than anything. You were such an active little girl, we had such big plans for you! I guess plans change sometimes... We will always be together though, maybe not physically, but you will always be in my heart. A Mommy and baby will always be connected, no matter what!!

Today I looked at your pictures and for the first time I did not cry. I talked to you and kissed you. I told you how much I love you and miss you, but I did not cry. I looked at your beautiful, sweet face and I smiled. I was admiring the beautiful, little life (you!) that your Daddy and I created out of so much love. You are our daughter, our sweet baby girl...you always will be. We love you so much and always will.

I hope that you have a good day playing in the clouds and soaring with the dragonflies. I wish I was there with you. I love you so much.

XOXO,
Mommy

Good Night Moon

I bought the book "Good Night Moon" for Harper when she was still just a little "bean" in my tummy. I have always loved that book, the innocence and wonder of a child's mind. The littlest things that seem so regular to an adult just fascinate children. I so looked forward to showing our daughter so many things. I couldn't wait to see the amazement in her eyes the first time she saw the moon and stars or the excitement of Christmas morning.

There are so many things that we will never get to show Harper. We will never see her smile or hear her giggle. We will never see her dance at a recital or kick a soccer ball. I will never hear her say, "I love you, Mommy". My husband will never get to take her hunting, wrestle with her in the backyard or walk her down the aisle. It is heartbreaking to think about all of the things we will never get to do and I could go on and on.

We did get to know our daughter for the 6 months that we were together. I am so thankful for that time. So thankful that we did get to show her love, thankful that we got to hold her, hug her and kiss her. I will always treasure those moments.

Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you every minute, Baby Girl.

Our Saddest Day

My hubby and I had been trying for over 2 years to get pregnant. We had finally given up on natural methods and were scheduled for an IVF in March. January was to be our "month off" before we started the IVF process. We decided to take a week and go to the Bahamas to relax. Two weeks later, I discovered that I was pregnant and naturally so. As you can imagine, we were in total shock and disbelief when we saw the positive pregnancy test! Our prayers had finally been answered, this was our miracle baby!

Up until my 25th week I had the most wonderful, uneventful pregnancy. My girl was healthy and I was loving it. Maybe my body took a little while to get here, but I truly felt that I was made to have babies. I was a part of a miracle, growing a life inside of me. A baby that my husband and I created out of so much love. Life was so good!

At 25 weeks exactly, on my birthday, I started spotting and cramping. We were in DC on vacation and were told by my OB to go to the nearest ER. They worked me up and decided that I was just having premature contractions since my cervix had not changed. We decided to cut vacation short and go straight home, we didn't want to take any chances with our little one. The whole drive home from the airport I was having painful contractions about every 3 min. We went straight to our hospital and I was admitted. I was put on procardia and when I broke through with that, I was put on a Magnesium drip to stop the contractions and to get steroids on board. At this point, my cervix was still closed but I was 80% effaced. I was to be on strict bed rest in the hospital for as long as our Harper would stay put. Hubby kept calling me the "little red hen" sitting on my egg. I had no signs of infection, just an elevated white blood count. They were really not sure what caused the premature labor, maybe placental seperation, maybe infection...no real answers. We would just have to wait and see. The whole time I was in the hospital, Harper was doing wonderful...strong heartbeat, great movement. We were confident that she was a strong girl and that she would do well if she came early! I stuck it out on bed rest in the hospital for a week and then on Thursday night, I started contracting again...3 min apart. Friday am they put in the epidural. I was contracting hard core at this point and dilating. We were still supposed to hang out, wait and see...try to keep her inside as long as we could. Then we lost her heart beat and when we found it, it was extremely low (90's). We decided we had to deliver her. When they broke my water, it was meconium stained (meaning fetal distress). This was the scariest moment of my life, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I didn't believe it was real, how could we lose the heartbeat? She had been so strong until now.

I delivered our daughter, Harper Grace, on June 25, 2010, at 2:39 on a Friday afternoon. I could tell by my husbands face that she didn't look good when she came out. I will never forget the look on his face that day, so sad, so devastated, so lost. The NICU team tried to resuscitate her but she was too weak. I can still hear the sound of them trying to breathe for her, the silence was so painful, I wanted so badly to hear her cry. I prayed she would be ok, I screamed. How could this be real? I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare...she was gone and so were our hopes and dreams. How could this be happening? I would have given anything for her and I still would to have her in my arms.

This was the saddest day of my life, I go over it again and again in my mind everyday...all the what ifs and whys. She was a perfect baby girl, it is so hard to understand why this happened to us. We are good people with good families, we would have been great parents and given her so much love. It is so unfair.

Harper's spirit will always be with us, our first born, our sweet angel in heaven. I always knew I loved my baby during my pregnancy, but I fell in love on the day she was born. The first time a mother sees her child is the most amazing moment. I felt so much love as I held her in my arms for the first and last time. She was perfect in every way, my sweet girl. I have never known such love or such pain and loss since that day. There will always be a hole in my heart.

Monday Morning

It is a muggy Monday morning in Georgia and I am tying to figure out this blogging thing. I am starting this blog for my daughter, Harper, who grew her angel wings on June 25th, 2010. It has been one month and one day and the pain is still so fresh. I have found a bit of peace and healing by reading stories and blogs from other Angel Mommies. It is heartbreaking to know that there are so many parents out there living with such loss. Since I have found so much comfort in reading your stories, I thought I would share ours. The story of our sweet Angel, Harper Grace, she will forever be in our hearts.