Feeling Blue

Warning: This post contains some negative content and I apologize. I am just blues'n today.

I am so sad and angry today, it seems the tears will not stop. I am thinking about all the ways my life should be different right now. All of the ways I feel cheated. All of the things I should be doing in preparation for my baby girl. Instead my life is now consumed with blogging everyday in honor of my dead daughter, reading other angel blogs, talking to Harper's urn & pictures and feeling so helpless to the pain of this loss. I hate going out in public because every time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn, it saddens me. That should be my life, but it is not. I especially hate seeing the moms who yank their babies around by their arms and blow cigarette smoke in their faces. Seriously, that mom was able to have her baby but mine was taken away. I don't get it! I have a beautiful nursery that my baby will never sleep in, never get rocked in. The door stays closed and I have not had the strength to put her things away yet. I relive Harper's birth day everyday. This should be a happy, joyous memory but it is not. That is the day that my life was sadly changed forever.

It seems like everything reminds me of my sweet angel. Everything reminds me that she is not here anymore. My stomach is flat and I hate it, it should be growing and full of life. Instead, it is empty. I am empty. No more miracles taking place inside of me, just pain. I pray for peace everyday and I am still trying to find it. I hope tomorrow is a better day.