Monday, November 8, 2010

Harper's Cousin, Noah...

I have been a little MIA from blog land lately.  I have just had a lot to process and have been feeling very overwhelmed as of late.  I want to start by announcing that I have won my very first giveaway from the lovely Vera Kate at My Insides, Out. She will be making a beautiful lap quilt with Harper's name on it with the color scheme of my choosing.  I can't wait to see it as I know it will be gorgeous!  She's a talented one, that VK.

Another announcement:  My little brother and his girlfriend welcomed their son, Noah Ryland, on November 2nd... an election day baby!  He made quite the entrance into the world being that he was in the "sunny side up" presentation (face up) making his mama push for 2.5 hours with no progression.  They decided to section her and Noah finally arrived and everyone is doing well :)

As I have learned, in the land of the baby lost, it is one step forward and two steps back.  I knew Noah's birthday was coming and I knew it would be hard but I had no idea how hard.  The wind has been knocked out of me once again and I wish all it took was a portable oxygen tank to re-inflate my lungs.  Don't get me wrong and I guess this is where blogging can get hairy.  I don't want to censor myself here.  This blog is my outlet to express my feelings out in the open as a way for me to deal with them.  It is never my intention to hurt anyone's feelings.

With that being said, I am happy for them, truly.  But as happy as I am for them and our families, I am still sad for me and Chris.  I am jealous, yes, jealous.  I am back at why?  Why did this happen to us?  What did we do to deserve this fate?  I know the simple answer: life isn't fair and that there was nothing we could've done, but still I wonder.   I wanted that to be us welcoming Harper.  I wanted the happy celebration as our our longed for, sweet one made her way into the world.  We didn't get to enjoy all of the festivities-all of the visits, the passing the baby around and the congratulations.   I am heartbroken that we don't get to experience the things that they are experiencing right now with Noah-first smiles, feedings, sweet snuggles...the precious beginnings of a life.

All of my struggling is not because I don't love Noah or because I am not happy he is here.  I do and I am but it's bittersweet for me.  Noah's due date was exactly four weeks after Harper's which is what makes this all so much harder.  I know that every milestone from him taking his first steps to high school graduation will remind me of what she would have been doing.  I hope that in time this will get easier but for now it's heartrending.   Harper and her cousin, Noah, were supposed to grow up together but instead she will be watching over him as she watches over all of us.

I miss my baby girl so much and I wish she were here to meet her new cousin. <3

8 comments:

Angela said...

It's so difficult to celebrate new life when missing so much. There are a couple babies due in my family in the spring and I just know the births are going to knock me sideways. I love how you mentioned Harper watching over you and your family at the end. She will always be a part of your life, she will always be watching over you.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I keep coming back to... it's just so hard.

My niece and daughter should have been growing up together - about 1 1/2 years apart. While they wouldn't have been as close in age as Harper and Noah, I understand a similar pain and longing. Everytime I see my niece, I know in a different way that my daughter isn't here. When I see my MIL and FIL playing with her, reading to her, enjoying her presences, I know my daughter isn't here on earth as part of our family. And that's simply just hard and painful.

Thinking of you and sending you love!

Melissa said...

I am awaiting the arrival of our newest nephew in the next few weeks too...the first grandchild to arrive since Mikayla's death. Even though I am trying to be prepared for it, I'm certain that grief will have it's way still. I think that is the most frustrating thing for me, feeling so torn between how I SHOULD feel and how I DO feel. I know that part of this grief journey is accepting what and how you feel at that particular time, but it's so hard. Thinking of you and sending hugs!

rebecca said...

Your feelings are completely understandable given the situation, I don't know that any of us could not feel the sadness, grief, and jealousy that seeing someone else experience what we were so close to experiencing but lost evokes. Thinking of you, sending love and hope for strength to you my friend ((hugs))

Drew's Parents said...

I am so sorry that Noah will not be able to get to meet his cousin. The jealousy is so hard to deal with. Of course we want to be happy for our family members or friends who are experiencing the joy of their newborn, but it is hard not to scream out, "why can't we be experiencing that joy with our baby?" An old friend of my gave birth to twins on Nov 2. Back in April, we were so excited to have babies due at the same time. I tortured myself by looking at pictures of her twins and reading of all the loving comments on her FB. I broke down. I was so happy for her and those babies, but I couldn't help but cry at the unfairness that Drew is gone. I am sending you big supportive hugs and lots of love!

Olivia's Mom said...

Rhiannon, I've been thinking about you lots since hearing about Noah's birth. I think this is one of the hardest things (well, one of many) to deal with after going through the loss of a child. As you know, my nephew, Judah, will always hold a special place in my heart since he was due a month after Jake. I'm sure in time, Noah will be the same way for you. It will take time to get there, though. It's just so hard. Jealousy still takes a strong hold on me at times when thinking about our nephews and niece when considering where our 3 would be...

Many hugs going your way!

Jenny said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Hugs. The jealousy is something that is so severe in me right now that I can' barely breathe. I just don't want to anymore im ready to have a full blown out tantrum.

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) i know what you mean. it's hard for me to see friends that had their babies around the same time J was born, and to see all the things that their babies are doing now. i'm left to think about all the things i'm missing out on. life is unfair. :'(

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