Monday, November 1, 2010

November

It's finally here, November.  I am not usually one to wish time away, actually quite the contrary.  But the latter half of this year has sucked - plain and simple - and I am just really ready to keep flipping the months on the calendar until 2011 gets here.  I realize that as more days pass the further away I get from the day I last held Harper and that is hard on my heart.  It is hard accepting that I will never hold her again physically.  It is hard accepting that all of my wishing and praying and crying won't bring my sweet baby back.  But like I said a few posts ago, I have to quit letting these thoughts consume and define me.  So, as time marches on and I feel saddened by the distance of time since her birth, I am also feeling a lot better.  And let me tell ya, after the last four months, feeling better feels good.  Notice I use the word better, it's not great but hey, it is a start.

The holiday season is officially here.  Halloween has come and gone and now the Christmas festivities will be in full swing.  I have always loved the fun and merriment of the season but this year I have pretty much decided to boycott all of the superfluous nonsense that comes along with the real reason we celebrate Christmas.  I will not be making a list and checking it twice and I won't be decorating our home.  If you take a look in our attic you will see that I am quite the holiday decorator so this is a pretty big deal for me.  I have always loved this time of year and I couldn't wait to have children to make the season magical for.  Since Harper died I feel there is no point.  If anyone asks me what I want for Christmas I will tell them to make a donation to the March of Dimes in Harper's name.  That would make me happy.  I guess I feel a little a bit like a scrooge but that's ok.  In my minds eye Christmas was supposed to look a lot different this year.

Christmas will come and go as it always does and our new year will come.  I really hope that 2011 will be a good year, full of hope and happy times, we definitely are in need of one.

8 comments:

Olivia's Mom said...

I'm glad you're feeling better as time passes by. It's not easy, that's for sure! Here's to 2011 -- a year of hope and happiness! :)

Dana said...

I could have written this, although probably not as well. It feel exactly the same way. Sending you hugs.

Julie said...

Here's wishing a peaceful, uneventful Christmas, and a fantastic 2011 to you, and too all of us BLM's!

Jennifer said...

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Christmas is not going to be easy this year. I almost wish we could go some place where they don't celebrate it. Holed up somewhere the whole season and not knowing what month or what holiday it is. But the days will come and go fast, so here's to hoping that 2011 is a better one for all of us.

Drew's Parents said...

I am so glad that you are feeling better. That is all we can ask for most days! I think your idea for Christmas gifts is perfect. I am telling people to donate to The National Alliance for Thrombosis and Thrombophilia rather than getting me anything material. Nothing seems quite as festive this year, that is for sure. I am sending you loving thoughts for a gentle and fast-paced holiday season. We are getting closer and closer to 2011. <3

Melissa said...

I feel the same way. I almost feel guilty for not wanting to celebrate, but it doesn't feel right. =( Praying for a happier 2011 for all of us!

rebecca said...

I could agree more...I cannot wait for this year to be over. It had by far been the most difficult year of my life and I have to hope that the next year will be an easier one for all of us!

Violet1122 said...

Holidays are hard. Everyone wants to be jolly - forget about anything sad. And then here we are, trying not to bring everyone else down.

Hoping the holidays are better than you expect them to be!

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