Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Resentful & Thankful

As many of my friends who read this in real life know, I have just returned from two amazing weekend trips.  Chris went on his annual hunting trip out west, so I made plans to get away, too.  As you know from my last post, the first weekend I went to NYC with my Mom.  This past weekend, I went to visit a good friend in Chicago who is no stranger to grief as her mother just passed away last year from a rare cancer.  It was so therapeutic to be around my Mom and a good friend, both who seem to understand my grief.  Good to be with people who I feel totally comfortable talking about Harper with.  I am not worried that speaking her name will make them uncomfortable and I am not embarrassed to cry in front of them.  It was healing to grieve with them.

The timing turned out to be just right because I really don't think that I would have done very well being away from my husband, dogs, and home for so long before now.  Surprisingly, I didn't cry as much as I normally do and it was nice to have other things to focus on besides me.  As nice as the distractions were, after not seeing my husband for 10 days, I was so READY to be home with him -- back to our safe place.  Back home with each other and our girl.

So, here we are -- the day before Thanksgiving and the day before Harper's 5 month angelversary.  Needless to say, I as much as I try, I am not feeling very thankful.  I know I have so many things to be thankful for but nonetheless, I am feeling resentful and sad today.

I resent the ugly turn my life has taken.  I know we all talk about being changed from our loss experience and trying to live a better life.  And I do.  I really try to stay positive.  But still, I am resentful.  I resent my body for rejecting my baby and I resent that damned infection.  I resent that my innocence and naivety have been taken away from me for any future pregnancies.  I resent that I don't have a newborn to care for.  I resent that I have a nursery that she will never come home to and a nursery that I can't bear the thought of taking apart.  I resent the people who tell me "it was God's plan" or that "everything happens for a reason"-- those who say stupid things and have no idea in hell what it's like to live with the pain of losing a child.  I resent the anguish that is so unrelenting at times that it can knock you sideways.  I resent the people who seem to have it so easy.  I resent that my daughter is dead and that no matter what happens in my life, no matter what happy things may come, she will never be coming back to me.  I resent that I will never know Harper in this lifetime.  I resent the wounds on my heart that will never fully heal and the part of my soul that will be forever missing because she isn't here with me.

I am trying to accept this new life but it is so hard to let go and just accept.  I am still stuck on "how unfair my life is" and "why did this happened to us" or "why did their baby live and mind didn't".  I saw baby with red hair and big blue eyes who made eye contact with me in the grocery store the other day and just lost it, right there in the middle of the soup isle.  Babies with red hair have been my biggest trigger lately and maybe they always will be.  Acceptance is not coming very easily and I am not sure if I will ever fully accept this new life without her.

Of all the things that I mentioned above that I resent, I am not in any way resentful of my pregnancy with Harper or do I resent her.  I would go through all of the pain again if I had to; if this is the only way I was meant to be her Mother.  I am not resentful of the six glorious months that we had together before her life ended on that tragic day.  Those were the best six months of our lives -- so happy and so full of hope for our little one.  I couldn't wait to meet her face to face and when I did, it surely wasn't as I had planned it but I am thankful to have been blessed with her in my life.

Today I am thankful for my sweet girl, the little one who made me her Mommy.  My sweet Harper who has taught me so much about unconditional love and a bond that transcends the boundary of life and death.


Angela said...

Resentful and thankful: that is the perfect way to put it. I will be thinking of you and Harper on her 5 month angelversary.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Beautiful and familiar thoughts and words.

It's all so much to hold - I find it especially hard to do so in our culture where we don't talk about holding the pain and the joy side by side. Your words remind of a conversation I had with my midwife in the few days/weeks after Acacia was born and died. It was something along the lines of I wouldn't change a thing because my life with Acacia was/is amazing, and of course I would never choose to know what trisomy 18 is and have my daughter die. It's these two seemingly opposing statements, yet they sit together in my life, hand in hand. I don't know if that makes sense or not?? :)

Thinking of you as Thanksgiving Day marks Harper's 5 month angelversary. As you said on my blog, I can relate to the 25th being a poignant day.

Much love!

Tiffany said...

i'm resentful and thankful right along with you. i'm so sorry, it's not fair at all. :(

Melissa said...

Once again, I can resonate with what you've said. It's funny how parallel our journeys can be with other BLMs. I am thankful to have my BLM friends like you to realize I'm not alone and to support you in some small way that I can. I always think of Mikayla when I see little red headed girls too. I think I always will. She didn't have much hair when she was born, so we'll never know what color it would have been but we convinced ourselves that she would have been a redhead by the few strands we did see.

Thinking of you on Harper's five month date and also for Thanksgiving. It is all so bittersweet. (HUGS)

Sheri said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings. All I can say is that it WILL get easier with time, but you will never forget your little angel or your feelings of losing her. Give yourself time, that's the only thing that can help at this point.

Andrea said...

I think you summed up so much of what we are all feeling. I have a lot I'm resentful for, but a lot to be thankful for too. I so wish we had our little babies here with us this holiday season. Thinking of you always and so wishing you were by my side on this new journey. <3

Drew's Parents said...

So beautifully said. As thankful as I am for all that I have and for as close as I feel to Drew's spirit, the resentment that our circumstances changed so drastically and tragically still haunts me. There are days I seem to be surrounded by awful parents, and I think about all of the amazing mothers I have met on this journey. It is so unfair.
Your description of how thankful you are for your time with Harper is so beautiful. She is so loved and always will be. <3 I hope yesterday was as gentle as possible. I am sending you big hugs and lots of support. <3

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