Friday, June 10, 2011

At this point...

At this point (25 weeks 4 days) in my pregnancy with Harper things were going down hill fast.  I had already gone into premature labor.  I was in the hospital on strict bed rest and had been for 5 days.  I had endured a magnesium drip (for those of you who have not had one, it is a miserable but effective drug).  I was still bleeding, still contracting and my cervix was 80% effaced and starting to dilate.  My bag of water was intact but that was just about the only good thing we had going for us.  We had already been told by the MFM with a HORRIBLE bedside manner that our daughter was not likely to make it to term due to the infection that I had that was sending my body into labor and she (Dr. Evil) told us that she would do nothing more to stop it.  She was basically going to let me go into labor and have a very premature baby who's likelihood of survival was slight and the prognosis for her quality of life was even worse.  No mother or father ever wants to hear this horrific news.

I was in purgatory, I was terrified, I can't even describe in words the worry I had for my daughter.  My spirit was broken before I even  knew what that phrase *really* meant.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't read, I barely slept.  My Mom and my husband took turns sitting at my bedside and trying to cheer me up.  Chris slept at the hospital and showered there.  My Mom stayed at our house and took care of our dogs and would spend time with me during the day while Chris worked.  It was one of the most horrible weeks of my life, second only to the weeks after Harper passed away.

I felt like a living time bomb, waiting every second of every day for my world to come crashing down, just waiting for labor to pick up again.  I had so many talks with Harper during that time, begging her to hang on and not to give up on me yet.  I would have sat (laid) in that hospital bed for 3 more months if that is what it would have taken.  We saw doctor after doctor -- perinatologists, neonatologists, pediatricians, and of course my Ob.  No one had any answers, we were told to "wait and see".  That may sound like a benign statement but when it comes to the life of your child, "waiting and seeing" doesn't cut the mustard.  You want answers and you want to know that everything is going to work out for the good...we didn't have those warm and fuzzy feelings and the anticipation of "waiting and seeing" was brutal.

Thankfully {knock on wood}, things are going well for Pooh and my pregnancy with her.  Even though we are doing well, I am so scared that my body is going to fail again but I am trying my best to enjoy every moment as we come so very close to our loss milestone.  I have this weird fear that my body is programmed to only be able to stay pregnant for 26 weeks and 1 day (we aren't there yet but getting SO close!) but I have not gone into labor and I am not in the hospital on bed rest and that is something to be celebrated!

As happy as this time is and as thankful as I am that things are going seemingly well and that I have been given another chance, it makes me so sad for Harper and the crappy fate that she (we) got dealt.  I wish she were here, too.  I could have been one of those crazy moms who gets pregnant while caring for a very young infant because I thought that breast feeding was going to provide enough birth control.  I would have gotten to hear all about how hard (but so wonderful) my life was going to be with my babies so close in age and with two in diapers at the same time.  But today I have one sweet baby in Heaven and I am pregnant with her sweet little sister who is flipping and flopping around in my tummy as I type. I am so very thankful for that and praying that things continue to go well and that we get to bring this little girl home.

9 comments:

Becky said...

I am glad to that things are going so well with your rainbow:) Praying for the rest of your pregnancy to be very uneventful also..
Thinking of you and Harper always

Drew's Parents said...

Precious Harper <3 I wish things would have been different for her and that you could have both of your little girls in your arms. I can just imagine the sadness and fear you are experiencing right now. I remember how scary week 16 was for me. I couldn't imagine getting past that week. I am sending you loving support and am praying that little Pooh Bear continues to thrive. Love to you and your entire family! <3

Mary said...

I will continue to pray for you and the safe arrival of your little one! Harper is watching over all of you, I'm sure.

rebecca said...

Definitely continuing to hope with you for this pregnancy. I know I felt the same way until we hit about 28wks and then I was finally able to let go and enjoy this pregnancy, just wish I could have sooner.

Tiffany said...

thinking of you as your pregnancy progresses. i pray that as the days pass, your worry will subside (though i know all too well that it may not). wish i knew some way to take the worry in life after loss away from all of us. ((hugs))

Sheri said...

These milestones are so difficult. I remember feeling the same way when I hit the 27 week milestone with Noah. But once we passed it, I was finally able to "breathe" and relax. We will never forget our angel babies and our rainbow babies will never replace them, but we can tuck them into a safe place in our hearts where it hurts a little less.

Dana said...

What a nightmare last June was. I see that today is 26 weeks and 1 day with Pooh. Keeping my fingers crossed. xoxo

Harper and Poohettes Grammie said...

I love you, thinking of you always, but especially today.
Wishing I was closer.
Can't wait to see you baby girl...
your Momma

Brooke said...

I have had trouble recently, realizing that I am getting close to the point that I lost Briar (32 weeks) and just remembering that once I get past that, I am past the age Briar was...which is so hard to get past. I know you have already passed that milestone. Just wanted you to know I"m thinking of you!

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