The last two weeks

The last two weeks have been a blur.  Harper's birthday definitely stirred up a lot emotions and opened my wounds a bit more than I had anticipated.  I am not sure what I was expecting to happen after her first birthday and honestly, I have found that the second year has been much like the first.  Still missing, still loving and grief is still unpredictable and comes in waves -- I suppose it always will -- not as raw as it was in the beginning but it is still there.  This June has been a lot different from last June and it is so hard reliving those early days and remembering our life as it was.  It is hard to believe that we made it through our first year and we are still standing, barely at times but we are doing it.

Three days after Harper's first birthday we had the honor of celebrating Cale Harrison Hidalgo on his first birthday in Heaven.  We went to a balloon and butterfly release that Cale's mom, dad and his little brother, Finley, had in his honor.  As we watched Cale's balloons soar into the sky, much like Harper's, I got very emotional and just kept imagining his blue balloons joining Harper's pink balloons in Heaven.  Such a bittersweet thought.  Cale's life, though brief, has touched the hearts of so many, mine most certainly included.

It is officially July and I am still pregnant!  I have had times when I really doubted that I would make it this far.  It is so hard to imagine a happy outcome from pregnancy when all I have ever known of it is devastation and heartbreak.  But I am trying to stay positive, I know that our little girl is thriving and getting stronger by the day and she reminds me with her daily kicks and nudges :) Love, love, love her so much!

Earlier in my pregnancy, we decided that we wouldn't start any major preparations until July.  We just wanted to focus on getting our hearts through June.  We had hoped that by July we would be ready to start really preparing for this munchkin's arrival and the few things that we have accomplished so far have felt really good!  For instance, we bought a travel system and (gasp!) threw away the box.  It still feels like a leap of faith some days.  I know that anything is still possible at this point and that things can still go VERY wrong but we are feeling hopeful that we might actually get to bring this sweet baby girl home.

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My mom came into town for Harper's birthday and we decided that we would take advantage of the fact that she is a professional photographer and do a little maternity shoot at our house.  We had a lot of fun :) A few of the shots are below.  I will leave some space for anyone who may find it too painful to see belly shots.

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