Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I went there...

I have been trying to keep my blog positive as of late; trying pretty hard not to bring anyone down. I try really hard to live a better life and be a better person for Harper, knowing that I am a true reflection of her. I try not to talk bad about anyone; I try to live by the golden rule -- to be a good person.  But, events of this day can't go unmentioned....

I have the pleasure of working with THREE pregnant women. Yes, 3!  Two of whom don't really bother me.  One is a first time mom who really cherishes her pregnancy, the other is a fellow BLM (and such a sweet person). She is about 20 or so weeks pregnant and I am so truly happy and excited that her rainbow baby is thriving.  She lost her daughter, Caroline, in May of 2010.  A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss. A "rainbow" after the horrible storm that is having your child die.  A rainbow baby will never replace our lost children, but will help patch up a part of the hole in our hearts that they left behind. 


For a mother who has lost her child, it is hard to be around pregnant women and infants.  For me, it is suffocating.  I can't handle all of the "talk":  doctors appointments, baby names, ultrasounds, etc -- it is so freaking painful.   I usually just shut down and stare into space.  I try to put on a happy face but sometimes it is impossible.  Even when they are good people and even when they are considerate of my fragile feelings, it stings...it still hurts because they have something that I desire so much.  I am going to be really honest here.... unless it is with a rainbow baby, I have a tough time being truly happy for someone who is pregnant.  I know that probably sounds so broken and twisted of me, but it is true.

It is even harder to be around people who are totally oblivious and say really stupid things.  Today for example, one of the other women who is expecting was talking about her last OB appointment, etc.  She was saying how much she really hopes that her baby is a boy because she "would just fall out if I had another girl!"...  that she just "couldn't handle another girl".  Another girl?!  Seriously?!?  "Fall out"?!?  I just wanted to scream at her.  She just kept going on and on about it and then finally looks over at me, hesitated, and stammered and said, "Uh, I mean, I will be happy if its healthy."  Perfect!  Sure you will.  As hard as it was for me to do, I bit my tongue.  I looked at the floor and didn't say a word.  I just don't understand how it must feel to be that naive about pregnancy and about life.  To just assume that your biggest worry will be the gender of your baby.  How about worrying about if he or she will make it into the world safely; or if he or she will be healthy; or if the baby will even make it to the next ultrasound.  How about just being thankful that you are even pregnant at all, especially when so many of us want nothing more than to have another chance at parenthood.

I am stunned that anyone would say this and impressed at how quickly people forget what another has been through.  In fact, I am stunned that people in general can be so selfish that their baby's gender is their biggest worry during pregnancy.  I guess I need to start carrying a big sign that says..."My daughter died, remember?  I am in pain.  I am wounded.  Please, spare me from your selfish bullsh*t!"



20 comments:

Glo said...

Oh that's horrible.

((hugs))

Lisa said...

AMEN! I have been feeling EXACTLY the same way. Our neighbor just had a baby girl about 3 weeks ago and I am so worried I am going to see her when I go to pick my daughter up at the baby-sitters house (another neighbor). Today I asked the baby-sitter to text me if the baby is around. I just can't. I hope the woman who had the baby is considerate and can understand how hard it is for me and stay away sometimes. I shouldn't have to be the one to hide out all the time. I'm the one whose baby died, she's the one who has a beautiful, healthy baby - she should have to go out of her way to make me more comfortable, I shouldn't have to be the one to feel uncomfortable. I hope she realizes this - only time will tell when the weather starts getting warmer and people are out more. Sorry for my rant on your blog....

The Anglin Family said...

Big ((hugs))!!
I can't imagine how hard it would be to be in that situation. I can never imagine being so insensitive. I have a newly pregnant friend whose FB status was every day complaining about sickness, heartburn, blah blah, too tired...finally I commented that 1 in every 160 babies are stillborn and she should quit complaining. Totally not me, and maybe a bit mean but I felt she should be more sensitive. Sorry sweetie!

Dana said...

I hate that you have to work with pregnant women everyday. You are so strong and I am so proud of you. I know you don't have much choice, but I can just imagine how suffocating it must feel sometimes. Especially when someone says something stupid about the gender of a baby. Before I lost Jacob, I was on the bcc birth club board and someone wrote how they found out they were having a boy but wanted a girl (or the other way around, I don't remember) and she said that she started crying on the ultrasound table, sobbing and screaming. Even before I lost a baby, I thought how ridiculous she was and how could she not be just happy that her baby seemed to be healthy. I wonder if she changed her mind when another blm and I posted on that board that we had lost our babies at 16 and 21 weeks respectively.

I see pregnant women around me and wonder if they are naively pregnant or living with anxiety and fear every minute. If they look happy and carefree, I want to tell them how everything can change in a second When I hear a pregnant woman complaining, I want to tell them how I would give just about anything to feel like they do right now....to have a backache and nausea and heartburn....and a baby kicking away inside me.

Is there somewhere you can escape to when they start talking about doctor's appointments and stuff. I'm sorry they aren't more considerate and try not to talk about that stuff around you. It just amazes me how people don't take what you have been through into consideration.

xoxo

Jennifer said...

Thank you for expressing the sentiment I have felt often. It's funny how I have some pregnant/new mom friends who don't bother me and others who make me want to pull my hair out at times. One of my good friends is pregnant with her third child, and she has been very careful not to complain around me and has done her best to put herself in my shoes (of course she never really can, but she tries, which means a lot). I have other friends and acquaintances who cause me so much pain. One of them calls me up all the time and tells me about her baby girl's struggles and triumphs. Sometimes, I just want to scream at her "at least she's alive!" Honestly, it is much harder for me to be around people who are pregnant or have baby girls since I lost a baby girl. Some days are good, and some days I want to curl up in a ball on the couch and avoid all the women I know who are pregnant or have babies.

Jennifer said...

Sister, you are not alone in feeling frustrated about this. I'm thankful I don't get to interact with pregnant women often because if I hear something like what you've heard I would really be a bubble burst-er or doomsayer for them. Unfortunately, we are in the minority. It must be really nice for these women, who have not experienced pregnancy loss, to freely complain about such things. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's not easy to hold your tongue and not say anything impolite or something that will burst their blissfully naive pregnancy bubble. But you know what, sometimes they DO need to be given a reality check.

butterflymom said...

What a tough ordeal to have that in your face every single day...and I'm so sorry for that, Rhiannon. I wish people were more sensitive in general, but for some, I think it's easier to forget than have that be engraved in their memories the way it has affected us. I hope that you have other people in your life that can support you IRL during tough times like this, hun. Thinking about you and Harper always. ((hugs))

rebecca said...

I'm so sorry for her insensitivity. I unfortunately have a co-worker who is the same way and I've thought so many times about saying something to her but always bite my tongue too and then later think about how freeing it would sometimes feel to just be honest with her. I feel the same way about pregnancy and babies...it's so hard not to feel that way. Lots of love to you my friend ((hugs))

Olivia's Mom said...

I'm sorry you have to endure that. It can be so maddening listening to people talk so carelessly and light hearted, when they have no clue the pain they are inflicting on those around them.

I hope today is a better day! Let me know when you're free and we'll definitely get together for lunch! :)

Tiffany said...

((hugs))
i'm so sorry. yes i wish we could all go back to the days of innocence. i wish we could rewind everything we have been through and have our babies with us. i too can not be around people with infants. much much too painful. i'm so sorry. i hope your insensitive coworker gets a clue. :'(

Sheri said...

I know what you mean. After losing a baby, I can't believe that so many women get pregnant and never have a doubt in their mind that their baby will arrive. I still have doubts about this pregnancy, and know I will until this baby is safe in our arms. I wish I could have lived in blissful ignorance, but instead I face the harsh reality every single day. I guess that makes me a skeptic, but I prefer to think of myself as a realist that's trying to protect myself from future pain...

Amanda said...

Coworkers can be terrible. I work with a girl who's having her first and from the moment she announced she does the hand on the belly thing. I almost never do- I don't want to get the tough questions and, honestly, people can tell I'm pregnant! But this girl is buying everything in sight, planning her shower months in advance, and ready to give her opinion about everything. I want to shake her and yell at her and tell her not to be so sure of herself. Tell her to appreciate everything and not be so focused on other people because you never know when it will all come crashing down!

Drew's Parents said...

How awful! Those attitudes just disgust me. There are so many things wrong with what she said. I suppose I can understand being bubbly and blissful about being pregnant if you have never experienced loss…but I cannot understand taking that pregnancy for granted. To be concerned with the sex of a child (and whatever twisted preconceptions come along with that)…What about the health and survival of the baby? It must be nice to feel so confident that the baby will survive. I am so sorry you had to sit through that conversation. I don’t think your post was negative at all…there are just times when you need to be able to call out other people’s ignorance! You are a beautiful person and have done so much good in Harper’s honor. Sending you big hugs and lots of love!

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

As so many others have said - this is SO hard! There's just no way around that. And like you said, some pregnant women are quite naive about it all - the fragility of life and that you just never know...and as a BLM, how we *wish* the gender of our baby was our biggest concern.

I think it takes a lot of stregnth and grace to hang in there with your co-workers. I know it's not much of a choice for you, but you're still doing it... going to work and surviving, and being kind to your co-workers. It's more than any of us should ever have to go through.

Lots of love to you!

Caroline said...

I'm impressed you were able to bite your tongue - you are so strong! I feel the same way though, that unless it's with a rainbow, I really struggle to be happy for someone who is pregnant. They just have NO IDEA how lucky they are and how fragile it all is. One girl sent me a message shortly after Cale died and said something about how it must be hard for me to live vicariously through others. She was about 23 weeks at this point. I lost Cale at 39. I hated her for being so naive. For just assuming her baby would be fine. Of course, he was, and not like I would want anything to happen, but I hate that people just think that something bad only happens to others. They live in this protected bubble and have no clue how nice it is in there!

Melissa said...

This is such a hard situation to be in, especially when we are all surrounded by so much pregnancy. It's especially bothersome when it is people that are so oblivious. =( I am glad you have this space to vent and get those feelings off your chest, and I think these feelings are part of our new "normal" unfortunately. Hugs to you sweetie, hope tomorrow is a better day.

LetterstoClaire said...

Your taking the words right out of my mouth! SO many women talk about gender as though having a boy versus a girl or a girl versus a boy could ever be a bad thing! Do you know what I want? A baby that I can bring home? Seriously- when I'm pregnant again and people ask (I'm never, ever, ever going to ask someone what they are hoping for) that will be my answer. Not, a healthy baby because Claire was healthy and it didn't help her. Not a girl, or a boy- just a baby I can bring home!

Anonymous said...

You are such a strong and special person. You do not give yourself enough credit for all you have endured and what a shining example you are to people around you. You handle situations with such class and do not bring yourself down to there stupidity. You are a wonderful mother and great testament to Harper! Love you girl!

Radiant Readhead said...

UGH!!! i unfortunately know this too well, unlike you, however, I have said things...lol. I am not one to mince words, and when people complain about pregnany and stupid things, I lay it on the table. It may make them feel uncomfortable, but it makes them think...it makes them realize they need to appreciate what they have:-) i am hoping you have that rainbow soon!!
Hugs!

Heather said...

I teared up while reading this blog and felt compelled to comment. I overheard what was said that day and was just as upset as you are. I am completely aware of how a pregnancy, especially after loosing Caroline, it such a gift. I can't imagine anyone for one second taking that gift for granted. I wanted to thank you for having the courage to pour your soul into a blog like this, and for letting us live through this experince with you. You have such an amazing strength, and I can't even begin to explain how much I admire that. I pray every night for you and your hubby, hoping that God will bless you again....there is no one more deserving. Just know that I am here for you, always =)

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