Thursday, December 30, 2010

Loud & Clear

As I was coming home from running a few errands yesterday, I found myself listening to John Mayer in the car. I hadn't listened to him in awhile but thanks to Tiffany and Kristin, I tuned him in on my ipod.  The song, "Say" came on.  This song has always brought tears to my eyes, especially after I saw The Bucket List (it is played at the end).  Yesterday was no different.  Here are the lyrics.

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

So, there I am driving down the road listening to John Mayer and boo who-ing.  All I could think about were all of the things I wish I would have said to Harper when she was still in my tummy -- especially that last week we were together.  How I wish I could go back and tell her all about her family and how much we love her.  Had I known this is where our fate was going to take us, I probably would have talked to her non stop for the six months we had together.  Then, of course, I got to thinking about all of the things I will never get to tell her and all of the things she will never get to tell me.  Basically,  feeling sorry for myself in the usual fashion.  

My tearfest continued as I drove into our subdivision.  My thoughts shifted to the future and wondering if we will ever get another chance to be parents.  Wondering if my body will fail us again.  Somedays I really don't know if it will ever happen for us.  I am not sure why I was feeling so negative but with all that we have been through this year, sometimes my brain just goes there.  Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness wash over me.  

{Before I finish this, let me give you a little background.  The spot that I pull into in our garage has a tennis ball hanging by some fishing line so I know how far I need to pull in.  I drive a Tahoe and I am pretty short, so I have trouble gauging the area in front of me sometimes.}

As I pull into the garage and my windshield hits the tennis ball I notice something that in five years of pulling into this spot I have never noticed before. Never. There is a message on the tennis ball.  

Hope.  How could I have missed this?  Especially in the last six months.  Isn't funny how something that has literally been right in front of my nose for five years and has never caught my attention before, catches it when I needed the reminder most?  I think my baby girl was sending me a message, at least I hope so.  


Harper Grace's GiGi said...

Just when you need her the most, she'll aways be there guiding you. Just remember when you are down,out & you think you can't go on, there is always HOPE!
Never stop Hoping my sweet girl....
I love you
PS... Harper Grace Johnson was the 1st & remember copy is the best form of flattery.. :)

Dana said...

It looks like a message to me. I love it :) And you noticed it at a time when you really needed it.

I am at the same stage as you. I often wonder if we will even get to bring a baby home. I expect to get pregnant again, but I also expect the baby to die.

Tiffany said...

♥ this line of the song gave me chills

"Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open"

wow. that JM, and genius with words.

here's to a more hopeful 2011 my friend. ♥

Tiffany said...

btw, i know this sounds weird, but again i take it as another sign. the only other person i have ever known to hang a tennis ball from their garage ceiling, is a fellow BLM that you also know, rebecca. ♥

Melissa said...

I really like that song's to "hope" for 2011.

Jessica said...

"Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again"
I SO agree and I love the lyrics to this song! ALSO - tennis ball thing = AMAZING!

rebecca said...

Wow, I got chills reading that last part...definitely a sign from Harper! Tiffany's right we used to hang a ball from the ceiling when we lived in Alabama because I also couldn't tell how far to pull in! Another thing we have in common:)

Drew's Parents said...

Oh my goodness, I got chills reading your post! I defintely think Harper was sending you a sign! And a powerful sign, at that! May you have hope and happiness in the New Year!
I also really like that song...the lyrics remind me of our need to grieve and to not hold back our need to celebrate the lives of our children and to mourn their loss. I have no doubt that Harper knows how much she has been been loved from that BFP! <3 <3 <3 Sending you love, hugs, and hope!!!

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