Friday, March 25, 2011

9 months

It is so hard to believe that nine months has passed since we said hello and good bye to our baby girl.  Some days seem like it was just yesterday as my wounds are still raw and open and I still grieve so much for this little person that I barely got to know.  And even though I barely knew her, I knew her soul.  She had a sweet spirit about her, very considerate and loving.  I feel like I knew what kind of person she would have been. She was in tune with me and I with her.  I know it sounds crazy but I think a mother just knows.  

Other days, time seems to have flown by in a sense.  I wonder how I have managed to get through the last nine months.  How I have survived.  I remember the early days and how broken I was.  I could barely manage to look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't stand to look at my empty stomach and know that life no longer existed there.  My spirit was shattered.  It was such an awful, dark, hopeless time.  A time when tears and screams arose so frequently.  A time when no light could shine in.  A time when I dreaded waking in the morning because I had to face my nightmare all over again.  

Over the last 9 months grieving has become very familiar to me.  (That is surely a sad statement.) I have learned how to deal with it and how it fits into my daily life.  I still have hard days, I still cry and I still feel cheated.  I will always have this wound but the scab is slowly growing over and protecting it.  I think I am learning to handle the grief better as it has become part of my new normal.  I remember hearing about this 'new normal' in those early days and I just didn't get it.  I didn't want a new normal, I wanted my old life back and I was convinced that one day, it would return.  It has taken a while but sometime in the last couple of months I have finally crossed into that territory of the new normal.  I know I will never be the same person as I was on the morning of June 25, 2010 and as much as I wish that I could go back in time and change things (and believe me, I would if I could), I know I can't.  I am *trying* to embrace this new life.  Trying to live a life that would make Harper proud of her mama.  A life that will always and forever include her.  

Here are some pictures taken of Harper's garden at her grandparents house. 

And some pictures of her tree in our backyard.  We are so excited about the pink blooms that have been sprouting up.  This is what we have been waiting for since we planted the tree! :)  

 You can't really see the blooms as much in this picture below, but they are there!  

Happy nine months in Heaven, my sweet angel.  A moment doesn't go by that we don't miss you and wish with all of our hearts that you were here.  I wish so badly that I could see you and hug you even if only for a moment but I know that we will be reunited one day.  A special place, full of so much love, will always be yours right here in our hearts. You will always and forever be our Harpsichord. 
All my love to the moon and back forever and ever, 
your Mom


The Anglin Family said...

Harper's garden is beautiful just like her.:)
Thinking and praying for you today.

Julie said...

what a beautiful garden. missing her with you.

Jennifer said...

Remembering Harper with you, Rhiannon. Oh I love her garden at her grandparents' place and her tree in your backyard. It was only just a couple of months that you and your husband were planting it and now the pink blossoms are coming out just in time for her 9th month angelversary. :) (((hugs)))

Melissa said...

Think of you today. The garden is beautiful and I love how her tree has bloomed out. ((hugs))

Becky said...

beautiful garden, I'm sure she just loves it!
I am glad to hear that things seem to be getting a little "easier" in the process of finding your new normal. Thinking of you and Harper on her 9 month angelversary

Mary said...

Her garden is gorgeous! Hugs to you today...thinking about you and Miss Harper.

rebecca said...

The garden & tree are so incredibly beautiful just like precious Harper. Thinking of you today...wishing you love, peace, and comfort as you remember your little girl.

*Lauren* said...

Harper's garden is beautiful. I lost my Matthew on June 30th 2010, so his 9 month angelversary is coming up, too. Praying for you and thinking about you. . . *hugs*

Harper Grace's GiGi said...

Beautifully spoken sweetheart, tell Mary & Mac that the garden is very beautiful, just like my sweetest angel in heaven, The blooms on Harpers tree is awesome & perfect. May rainbows & dragonflies always dance around you. I can just imagine your Grammie holding & loving on Harper the same way she did you.
I love you....
Your Momma

Melissa said...

So beautiful! I'm jealous you have anything green...we're ready for spring in the north.

I know, it's hard to believe our girls have been gone nine much our lives have changed. thinking of you and Harper always.

Violet1122 said...

I love the tree and her garden! So lovely!

It's amazing what time will do. And how we never thought we could get to a place where we weren't consumed by darkness every waking moment, and yet somehow it happens.

I know you still miss your baby girl like crazy - but I am glad that your days aren't so full of despair anymore.

Sending big hugs...

Drew's Parents said...

Harper's garden and tree are so beautiful. I hope that you might post more pictures as spring progresses! I love what you said about being in tune with Harper. I don't think it is crazy at all that you just knew certain things about her. The bond between mother and child is so scared. <3 You write so well about the transition from the desperate, soul destroying grief of the early days to the new normal grief that we are in today. I never thought those dark days would end, but now I have have found ways to live with the grief. The tears still come and my heart still aches...but I think that will always be the case. I am thinking about you and your precious Harper! She is surely watching over her mommy, daddy, and little brother or sister with great love and pride. Sending you big hugs and lots of love. <3 <3 <3

Olivia's Mom said...

What an amazing garden in Harper's honor! It's absolutely beautiful -- as is her tree!

Embracing this new normal is definitely a hard task. I love that you mention embracing it though, as that should be our main goal. Living a life that would make our angels proud. :)

Lots of love to you, Chris, Harper and little Pooh! Thinking of you always!

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