It is so hard to believe that nine months has passed since we said hello and good bye to our baby girl. Some days seem like it was just yesterday as my wounds are still raw and open and I still grieve so much for this little person that I barely got to know. And even though I barely knew her, I knew her soul. She had a sweet spirit about her, very considerate and loving. I feel like I knew what kind of person she would have been. She was in tune with me and I with her. I know it sounds crazy but I think a mother just knows.
Other days, time seems to have flown by in a sense. I wonder how I have managed to get through the last nine months. How I have survived. I remember the early days and how broken I was. I could barely manage to look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't stand to look at my empty stomach and know that life no longer existed there. My spirit was shattered. It was such an awful, dark, hopeless time. A time when tears and screams arose so frequently. A time when no light could shine in. A time when I dreaded waking in the morning because I had to face my nightmare all over again.
Over the last 9 months grieving has become very familiar to me. (That is surely a sad statement.) I have learned how to deal with it and how it fits into my daily life. I still have hard days, I still cry and I still feel cheated. I will always have this wound but the scab is slowly growing over and protecting it. I think I am learning to handle the grief better as it has become part of my new normal. I remember hearing about this 'new normal' in those early days and I just didn't get it. I didn't want a new normal, I wanted my old life back and I was convinced that one day, it would return. It has taken a while but sometime in the last couple of months I have finally crossed into that territory of the new normal. I know I will never be the same person as I was on the morning of June 25, 2010 and as much as I wish that I could go back in time and change things (and believe me, I would if I could), I know I can't. I am *trying* to embrace this new life. Trying to live a life that would make Harper proud of her mama. A life that will always and forever include her.
Here are some pictures taken of Harper's garden at her grandparents house.
And some pictures of her tree in our backyard. We are so excited about the pink blooms that have been sprouting up. This is what we have been waiting for since we planted the tree! :)
You can't really see the blooms as much in this picture below, but they are there!
Happy nine months in Heaven, my sweet angel. A moment doesn't go by that we don't miss you and wish with all of our hearts that you were here. I wish so badly that I could see you and hug you even if only for a moment but I know that we will be reunited one day. A special place, full of so much love, will always be yours right here in our hearts. You will always and forever be our Harpsichord.
All my love to the moon and back forever and ever,