Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Trying to hope

This morning when I woke up and stumbled into the kitchen I found that our calendar had been flipped to March.  After reading a note from Chris that said, "Happy March. I love you." I got a pen and wrote the numbers 12, 13, 14 and 15 on each Sunday to mark the weeks of our pregnancy and tried to remind myself that "yes, this will be a happy March."

When I was pregnant with Harper we eagerly marked each Wednesday starting at week 6, I think, all the way through week 40 and excitedly watched as each week of our pregnancy with her passed - never thinking that we wouldn't actually make all the way to the end.  We made to an end but it was a different end than we had ever anticipated...much different.

Once we got an ultrasound confirming our little Pooh Bear was in fact growing inside of me, Chris wanted to mark the calendar.  I did, too, but I was leery and still am.  We marked our calendar but only a month at a time.  He wanted to go all the way to September but I am just not prepared to do that yet.  I am scared.

When we came home from the hospital after Harper was born and passed away I went straight to the calendar and through eyes blurred and puffy by unstoppable tears, I angrily marked through the numbers noting the remaining weeks of her pregnancy.  But even though I marked through them I still knew that they were there.  And every week I would catch myself walking over to the calendar and gazing longingly a black mark where there had once been a sign of life, all the while thinking "if only" and "what should have been".

I know that if, God forbid, anything happens to this little one my lack of numbers on the calendar won't make the hurt any less.  But for now it is my way of trying to protect my heart.  I know that a pregnancy after loss is fraught with so many emotions and I am trying my best to muddle my way through them but it is so hard.  I wish that parents of babies taken too soon had a free pass or some type of "get out of hell free" card but I know that is not the case.  I know that anything can happen - good or bad.  I know that statistics are on my side but honestly that provides me with very little comfort since statistics were on our side with Harper's pregnancy, too and the unthinkable happened.

I am trying to be hopeful and think only thoughts of the happy ending that we want so badly.   I also really, really hope that come fall we will have a dear one to bring home who will drool on and play with these dolls so they can graduate from sitting on our bed to a much deserved toy box!

Harper's piglet & Pooh!


Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I love your Pooh and Piglet together.

I know for myself pregnancy after a loss is just like you said - so hard. I usually think, I knew it probably wouldn't be easy, but I didn't realize how hard it would be until I'm experiencing it now. And then I'm also reminded that I am thankful to be going through this difficult time because it means I'm pregnant again, and ttc was no easy journey. Again, it's just hard.

And like you said, we do the things we need to do to prepare for the baby, hold hope that all will go well, and also protect our hearts even though we know nothing can really protect our hearts if another loss were to happen. It's a balancing act for each of us, and it's different for each of us.

Much love to you and your growing family. :)

Tiffany said...

Wishing you a healthy, happy pregnancy ending with a strong, beautiful and healthy baby to bring home and introduce to Pooh and Piglet

Tiffany said...

i wish we had a get out of jail free pass too. glad you are marking the calendar anyway even if it is a little at a time. ♥

Mary said...

Marking your calendar is a good thing. I know its hard, especially after you lost Harper but hope is a wonderful thing, as is the power of positive thinking. Keep your spirits high and know that all of us here in blog land will be keeping you in our daily thgought and prayers. Wishing you, hubs, and little Pooh well on your journey to a healthy baby.

Emily said...

I'm anxious to even mark my doctor's appointments on the calender for fear that we won't make it until the next one. It's hard...but if it all works out, so worth it.

*Lauren* said...

I just wanted to thank you for the sweet comment that you left on my blog. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, also. I'm glad your little one is doing well, and I hope you have a healthy rainbow baby in September! Take care :)

Olivia's Mom said...

I love the idea of a "get out of hell free" pass. Boy, would that be nice! Here's to hope and that sweet little Pooh bear growing inside of you! I love that sweet picture, by the way. :)

Nicole said...

Hi, I'm new to your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Harper (love her name!!!). I have lost a daughter too, Caroline, in my 39th week. Losing a child is a pain that no one should have to endure, but yet...there are many of us.
My husband and I are also expecting our rainbow baby. It looks like we might be pretty much on the exact same schedule! I'm 11 weeks and 5 days today!
We did the calendar marking thing too. I'm actually a nut and have like a zillion calenders. I have one on the fridge, one above my desk at home, one at work...and they all had Caroline's birthday highlighted and marked and happy looking. It still breaks my heart to this very day to think of those calendars. I haven't really had the heart to go ahead and mark dates...except the day for the beginning of the 2nd trimester. And I just did that today. Like you said, it's not that NOT having the weeks marked on the calendar would make anything any easier...but I just can't get ahead of myself.
I also agree with the get out of jail free card! We should be guaranteed a trouble free pregnancy after such horrific losses. And I know what you mean about statistics too...it's hard to feel good about them when you ARE the 1%.
Anyway, I just wanted to stop by, say hi, and tell you that I'll be praying for you!

Drew's Parents said...

Reading about marking the dates off your calendar brought back a lot of memories. We did the same thing with Drew. Blacking out the weekly dates was incredibly hard. Seeing those big black marks served as yet another reminder of everything we lost. I haven't been able to mark a calendar this pregnancy until I actually reach the date. I try to write everything else like appts. in pencil. It won't hurt any less if something happens, but somehow I feel like I am protecting both of us. I wish we could just KNOW everything would be okay this time. Although I have fallen behind on blogs and emails, please know that I think of you, Harper, and pooh bear all of the time. I am sending you support, love, and many many well wishes! <3 <3 <3

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