Friday, March 11, 2011

Emotions

I have been so emotional lately and missing my baby so much.  I always miss her but it seems like my heart has just been aching for her with more intensity lately.  I think being pregnant again has stirred up a lot of emotions and a lot of memories...good and bad. I have been having a lot of sleepless nights where I lay awake thinking of Harper.  Remembering the happy days of my pregnancy with her when we would feel her kick and punch and sit in amazement, while thinking of all the hopes and dreams we had for her.  With the happy memories come the haunting memories of the day she was born and these memories seem to have taken over.  In the dark of the night, I think of that day when our hearts were forever broken and changed.  I supposed memories of June 25, 2010 will always haunt me but for some strange reason I thought that I had found some peace.  I thought I had worked through most of these feelings and was on my way forward.  I don't know if it is pregnancy hormones or what, but I feel like I have regressed.  I know grief is certainly not a linear process, it ebbs and flows.  I know we will always grieve for her because as someone told me once, "grief lasts as long as love lasts."  How true that is.

Last night Chris and I were talking about Harper and Pooh and I broke down.  I told him that I feel like we are getting further and further away from her.  He said something that struck me, "I know you feel like we are leaving Harper behind but we aren't.  She knows that she could never be replaced.  She would want us to be happy and she wants us to bring Pooh bear home.  We aren't leaving her behind, she will always be with us....right here (putting his hand over his heart and mine)."  I know what he said is true but my heart still aches for her.  I know that moving forward isn't "moving on" and that moving forward is a necessary part of living a happy life but as we approach spring and as we are getting closer to Harper's birthday, it becomes more real.  The first year without her is almost over and then we move onto the second year and with that, rest of our lives without her.

Despite the sadness I have been feeling, I also feel very blessed and happy to be carrying another miracle.  Every night when we listen to Pooh's heartbeat, our hearts feel so much happiness and peace.  It's like listening to a miraculous symphony.  I pray for this baby and I just hope with all that I have that we get to bring this little one home.

On a completely different note...please check out this article on the FDA approval of 17P (synthetic progesterone) injections, now called Makena, to prevent preterm labor.  The cost has gone from $15 to $1500 per weekly injection.  As you can imagine, many women are depending on these injections to bring home their baby at term.  I will be receiving these injections starting at week 16 through week 36, that's 20 injections equaling $30,000.  Personally, I am appalled at the pharmaceutical companies for increasing the price this much.  I hope that this price gouging won't effect accessibility for those of us who are counting on this medication.

5 comments:

Natasha said...

Thinking of you mama....I saw that article yesterday and I couldn't believe the price increase!!! It's crazy! It shouldn't be more difficult to bring a baby home safely. Oh and I love what your hubby said....she is always with you! Hugs mama!

Glo said...

I wanted to comment on the 17P. I think the monopoly and price increase is outrageous. However there is an alternative. Progesterone suppositories. The reason I know this is because 17P is not available here where I live and progesterone supps are part of my plan starting at 16 weeks. The SOGC recommends either or in the prevention of ptl. Something to look into :)

http://www.sogc.org/guidelines/documents/guiJOGC202TU0801.pdf

Mary said...

Thinking of you!

Olivia's Mom said...

I love what Chris said -- so true and so sweet. Hugs to you my friend. This balance of grief and joy are rough, as we miss our angels but are overcome with joy for this new miracle. I hope you have a wonderful week ahead! :)

Drew's Parents said...

What a beautiful post! Chris's words are so touching. And so true. I do think rainbow pregnancies bring back floods of painful memories and thoughts...The grief seems fresh at times. You aren't alone on this journey. Not only do you have your family and friends, your little girl is smiling for you and sharing in your enjoyment. She and her little brother or sister will always share a special connection. Harper is with you always <3 <3 <3
I am sending you big big hugs, lots of love, and continual support!

I hope that you are able to get the meds that you need at a reasonable cost! I was appalled when I read that story. I just can't believe that the company is making a profit off the backs of women and babies. Disgusting.

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