Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Awkward

I have been feeling a bit awkward and isolated lately, especially around certain people and in certain situations.  I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and like some are constantly walking on egg shells around me not knowing what to say -- so they say nothing which makes me feel even more like I don't belong.  I just feel like the big (baby-less) elephant in the room at times.

On the other hand, I feel that others seem to have forgotten about what happened to Harper - or even that she ever existed at all.  I have told people that we are boycotting the holidays this year and I can tell that they just don't understand why by the look on their faces.  So of course I feel the need to explain myself by saying, "well, you know...we just aren't really feeling the holiday spirit this year."  Which is usually followed by a look as if to say, "oh, you mean you aren't over that yet?"  It's so uncomfortable.

I am sure that I am just being really sensitive and over analyzing things.  I am great at over analyzing and being too sensitive.  The holidays have been hard and there is still more to come.  I would just like to crawl into a hole and camp out until December is over.  I really hate feeling this way...this used to be my favorite time of the year.  

I am not really sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post.  Reading it back, I am coming across as pretty whiney but I guess I just needed to vent.  There are, of course, a lot of people who do their best to try and understand and support us...I love you and don't know what I would do without you. :)

11 comments:

Violet1122 said...

You aren't whiny at all!

Sometimes I don't know which is worse: Someone who says the wrong things, or someone who never says anything at all about our babies.

Of course you would feel extra tender around the holidays. Christmas focuses so much on family... and there is a big hole left in the world where your little Harper should be.

I don't have any concrete advice... just know you've got a reader who backs you up 100%!

Radiant Readhead said...

oh honey...i nkow what you mean!! I had to explain to my SISTER IN LAW why i wanted to skip the holidays this year...like she just didn't get it, and then she tried to say she "understood" after I told her, insistin that she knew how i was feeling, and I pretty much told her to "F" herself because she didn't know and would never know, God willing, as long as her two girls were alive and healthy. It was soooooooo frustrating. You are not whiney, you are just a grieving mother during the holidays.
Hugs!
Erin
journeyoflifeandluv.blogspot.com

Dana said...

You don't come across as whiney at all. I have had all the same thoughts and feelings. When I tell people that I'm not in the Christmas spirit and would like to skip the holidays, they seem confused. Why wouldn't I be in the mood this year? Don't I love shopping and finding the perfect gift for someone?

I think we will feel especially raw over the holidays. And with Christmas being Harper's 6 month anniversary, it will be that much harder.

I also feel like the elephant in the room. I look sad alot and just imagine other people looking at me and what they might be thinking. Every time I run into someone at work that I don't see often, I wonder if they are thinking that I lost a baby and start judging me to see how I am doing.

I hope that there are some people around you who will be thinking about Harper over the holidays and not just assuming that you should be enjoying the season as much as you always have. I also used to love Christmas...the carole's, the lights, the general feeling. I just don't think it will ever be the same, even in 50 years. Our babies will still be missing.

rebecca said...

Ugh, I too can't wait for the Holiday season to be over this year, it's so hard to feel joyful, because with that is the grief for all that should have been this year. You are absolutely not alone. Sending lots of love to you and wishing peace and strength for the coming weeks.

Jennifer said...

Like Rebecca said, you are not alone in feeling this and it's not whine-y at all. If there's a way to skip December or maybe go to a place where they don't celebrate Christmas or not festive all, I'm sure we'd all take it. This holiday is going to be hardest for all of us. We were supposed to have 6-month olds this month but all we have are empty arms and so much tears. Yikes! Now I've become whine-y. Sorry. :( But I feel you on this. I hope December would be gentle on all of us. Thinking of you and your precious Harper. <3

Jodi said...

Well said. I have gotten the same confused looks when I tell everyone I am not looking forward to the holidays and would like to skip over them. I literally want to crawl in bed now and come out jan 1st.
hugs to you!

Sheri said...

Don't apologize for your feelings, you're allowed to have them. No one can understand what you're going through right now. And it's difficult for you because you don't want to be constantly reminded of how you're feeling, but you don't want people to forget about it either. It's a tricky balance.

Hang in there...better days are ahead for you, I promise!

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I don't have anything new to add, just wanted to echo everyone else's support that the holidays are hard. My first Christmas without Acacia was awful. I cried soon after I saw my niece that day as I felt my oh-so-empty arms without my daughter. Family didn't really know what to do or say, but they were as gentle and supportive as they could have been. This year to get some support that I need, I'm asking everyone to buy an ornament or candle in memory of Acacia - partially because that's what I need, and I want to make sure no one forgets and has a simple way to honor her without wondering what to say or do and so then they don't say or do anything (I really hate that!).

Much love and peace to you this holiday season.

Anonymous said...

Rhiannon,

Our old saying, "doing what we want to do" was said in a very different setting, but can apply to the holidays.

Skip the damn holidays and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Glad you made plans to get the hell out of town together. That is what is important - together time.

Thinking of you & Chris. The new makeover blog is very special. It is important to whine all you want and so we can see what you are going through.

Love,

Gina

Drew's Parents said...

I don't think you come across as whiny either! I think the holidays are particularly hard because everyone is supposed to have "holiday cheer" which is a little hard when we are still mourning the deaths of our children. Grief doesn't just stop for the holidays. Our babies are still gone. At least for me, everyone's cheeriness seems to reinforce my own sadness about Drew not being with us! I am sending you big hugs!
PS. I love the ornament you found. I have been looking for one for Drew!

Jennifer said...

Hi Rhiannon,
I just came across your blog tonight. I lost my little girl in October, and I know what you mean when people look at you like "what, you're not over that yet?" It's like people have this set time in their minds that you are allowed to grieve and after that, life is supposed to be normal again. Yeah, right. It is a blessing to me to read your open and honest posts. I have been blogging as well since Stella passed away. My blog is stellaslegacy.blogspot.com if you ever want to visit.
Take care,
Jennifer

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