Saturday, December 25, 2010

Six Months & Christmas Day

Six months ago today our beautiful daughter, Harper Grace, was born at 4:39 pm.  By 4:50 she had passed away and was being snuggled in the warmth of her Mommy's arms for the first and last time.  Six months.  Somedays it feels like it was just yesterday since I last held her and others it feels like a lifetime has passed since I saw her sweet face for the first time.

It is amazing that on this Christmas day the amount of time that we were blessed with her in our lives is the same exact amount of time that she has been gone.  Six months...26 weeks and 1 day...183 days since she was still safe and so much alive inside her warm and cozy home that was my womb. 183 days of despair, heartache and feeling so empty and lost without her. 183 days that I have kept breathing even though I felt sure that I wouldn't be able to go on without her.

This is not the Christmas I had imagined last January when we found out we were expecting our miracle baby.  I had dreams of another stocking to hang on the mantle, baby's first Christmas onesies & ornaments and the pure delight of spending our very first Christmas as a happy little family of three.  I had visions of everyone oohing & aahing over how much of a cutie pie Harper would be in her green and red smocked Christmas dress.  By now she would be smiling at us and be totally enamoured with the glowing Christmas lights.

Unfortunately that is not how our Christmas has turned out.  This year Christmas is marked with sadness of a life that was never to be, yet happiness that we were blessed to have her in our lives -- even if it was only for a little while.   Harper was supposed to be here with us and even though she is not, it is still her first Christmas and my heart is so full with love for her.  It is the first of many Christmas' that we will remember, honor and celebrate her life.

Tomorrow the calendar will start marking time that she has been gone longer than she was here.  That thought makes my heart want to burst.  Time will march on without her and I can't stand it.  I am so scared that people will start to forget her or forget that she was and will always be a huge part of our life's story.  She will always be our first born, our little Harpsichord.

So, as anxious as I am for the holidays to end and for a new year to begin, I am also saddened by another passed milestone.  2010 will forever be the year defined by the birth and death of Harper.  It will go down as the worst but also the best year of my life; it was the year that our daughter was born.  Even though she did not have the life that we hoped for her, she did have life and for that I am so thankful.  In that precious little life she gave us the greatest gift of all; the gift of love, joy and hope.  She allowed us to witness a miracle.  We are her parents now and forever.  She will always be missed here on earth but she will live on in our hearts, always.

Happy six months in heaven, baby girl.  I miss you more than words could ever do justice.  You are my heart and soul forever.  You will always live on -- right here, inside of me.  I love you, my sweet girl.  

8 comments:

Tiffany said...

:'( ((hugs)) i know i'm dreading the day that Julius is gone longer than he was alive. i hate all of these milestones that now make up our lives. i'm so sorry that you have to feel this pain too.

Melissa said...

That is a hard milestone. We will forever be different people due to those little girls that were just here with us too short a time. I'd like to think that although our lives on earth without them may be full of more sorrow than if they'd lived but also a greater love as well. We only grieve so much because we loved so deeply. Hugs to you on this bittersweet day Rhiannon

rebecca said...

That milestone is upon us too and it does hurt deeply. You are so inspiring in that you focus on the good and not just the pain and grief. I hope you found moments of peace my friend and wishing so much that 2011 holds brighter days ahead ((hugs))

Violet1122 said...

I'm sorry that such a big milestone and the holidays happened to fall at the same time. I'm so sorry Harper isn't there with you. People may talk about her less - but her mother is going to be loving her forever.

I hope 2011 brings joy and peace to your life.

((Big Hugs))

Drew's Parents said...

What a heartfelt and beautiful post, Rhiannon. My heart is aching for you. As if this time of year weren't hard enough, you are facing two huge milestones at the same time. You have done such an incredible job of celebrating your daughter. You are a loving and adoring mommy and have made sure your daughter will be remembered. I have had similar thoughts about 2010. This year was defined by the life and death of our children. We are so grateful to have been blessed with them and heartbroken to have lost them. Sending lots of love your way!

Harper Grace's GiGi said...

My dearest darling daughter,
You never have to worry that your sweet (our) Harper will ever be forgotten, She is & always will be my 1st grandaughter & heart even if it is in heaven,yes
this is the first of many christmas' that we will honor precious Harper. As she grows & plays with the angels she will be smiling down at her wonderful parents, & know that she was & is truly loved & remembered always! I love you my sweet girl.
love, your mom

Jennifer said...

How true it is that 2010 will be defined as the birth and death of our children. A year of so much sorrow and grief but it's also a year of so much love for them. Harper will always be loved and remembered. Like Kai and all other angel babies gone too soon this year, 2010 will be forever Harper's year.

Here's to your sixth month angelversary, little Harper. I hope you're having a grand time with all your angel friends.

Dana said...

I found the 6 month anniversary to be one of the worst. The 1 month and the 6 month. You had it compounded with Christmas and with it being the same number of days without her as you had with her. All tough, tough days.

This post is beautiful, Rhiannon. Just beautiful.

I'm so sorry that you didn't have the Christmas that you imagined last January, or the life you imagined for that matter. I think it is impossible not to have those thoughts of what should have been.

We won't forget Harper. Your family won't, your friends won't and I certainly won't. People may talk about her less, but she won't be forgotten.

I feel the same way about 2010. I had the best of times and the worst of times. The highs were incredibly high and the lows were incredibly low.

I love the comment your Mom left. It made me cry.

Sending you hugs and lots of love.

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