Trying to hope

This morning when I woke up and stumbled into the kitchen I found that our calendar had been flipped to March.  After reading a note from Chris that said, "Happy March. I love you." I got a pen and wrote the numbers 12, 13, 14 and 15 on each Sunday to mark the weeks of our pregnancy and tried to remind myself that "yes, this will be a happy March."

When I was pregnant with Harper we eagerly marked each Wednesday starting at week 6, I think, all the way through week 40 and excitedly watched as each week of our pregnancy with her passed - never thinking that we wouldn't actually make all the way to the end.  We made to an end but it was a different end than we had ever anticipated...much different.

Once we got an ultrasound confirming our little Pooh Bear was in fact growing inside of me, Chris wanted to mark the calendar.  I did, too, but I was leery and still am.  We marked our calendar but only a month at a time.  He wanted to go all the way to September but I am just not prepared to do that yet.  I am scared.

When we came home from the hospital after Harper was born and passed away I went straight to the calendar and through eyes blurred and puffy by unstoppable tears, I angrily marked through the numbers noting the remaining weeks of her pregnancy.  But even though I marked through them I still knew that they were there.  And every week I would catch myself walking over to the calendar and gazing longingly a black mark where there had once been a sign of life, all the while thinking "if only" and "what should have been".

I know that if, God forbid, anything happens to this little one my lack of numbers on the calendar won't make the hurt any less.  But for now it is my way of trying to protect my heart.  I know that a pregnancy after loss is fraught with so many emotions and I am trying my best to muddle my way through them but it is so hard.  I wish that parents of babies taken too soon had a free pass or some type of "get out of hell free" card but I know that is not the case.  I know that anything can happen - good or bad.  I know that statistics are on my side but honestly that provides me with very little comfort since statistics were on our side with Harper's pregnancy, too and the unthinkable happened.

I am trying to be hopeful and think only thoughts of the happy ending that we want so badly.   I also really, really hope that come fall we will have a dear one to bring home who will drool on and play with these dolls so they can graduate from sitting on our bed to a much deserved toy box!

Harper's piglet & Pooh!