April 25th

As yesterday came and went, it marked Harper's 10th month in Heaven.  While I miss my girl everyday, when it rolls around to the 25th of each month I can't help but feel her absence a bit more.  I know it is just a date but the 25th will always be significant and I can't imagine a time when it doesn't feel so.

Here are some new pictures of Harper's garden in our backyard with a special statue I found for my girls. As you can see, the pink flowers are gone but her dogwood has gone on to the next stage with lush, beautiful green leaves.  Blue birds are nesting in the bird house at the back of the fence, hopefully I will be able to sneak a picture once they hatch and leave the nest. :)

My dear sweet girl,

I bought this statue for your garden the other day and I just love how it symbolizes our life right now.  It is how I think of you and your baby sister...my two girls, always close in heart with so much love for each other, always connected.  As Pooh holds onto Piglet, we will always hold onto you, your spirit and your memory.  I miss you so much that my heart aches.

All my love for always baby girl,
your Mom forever

19 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks pregnant and it is almost hard to believe it is really happening sometimes.  Time seems to be going by pretty fast so far in this pregnancy and as much as I am thankful for that, I also feel I want to slow the clock a little in order to give us more time to enjoy this little girl while I know that she is safe.   

We had our anatomy scan yesterday and boy was I a nervous wreck.   It started out a little rough for me since this was the same office and exam room that we had Harper's anatomy scan in exactly a year ago (Harper's was on April 22, 2010...I just realized this).  It brought back so many memories of that naive and blissful time when I couldn't imagine anything going wrong in my pregnancy and reminded me that so much can go wrong and that I have no control over the situation.  I was also reminded that I don't enjoy being a patient, at all.  I felt incredibly vulnerable sitting in that dark, quiet exam room on a stretcher covered in a white sheet waiting for the fate of my child to be revealed to me.  I would much rather be on the care giving end, that is for sure.  

The nurse who interviewed me was very kind.  Answering the "how many living children do you have" question is always difficult for me.  I guess I should be getting used to it by now but I am not and I don't think I ever will get used to saying that I have a daughter who passed away shortly after her birth.  It is just not natural.  Saying it out loud is just so hard especially being in the hospital setting.  It just takes me back, I suppose, and brings a flood of memories and emotions over me.  

Once our interview was done and my vitals had been taken she went out to get Chris so we could get started.  Once Chris was sitting in the chair next to me my nerves calmed a bit but he said my eyes were so wide and that I was "white knuckling" the whole time.  I suppose I was, I just wanted to know that everything was ok and that our girl was/is healthy.  Thankfully, she looked perfect!  She was so wiggly that it took the nurse a bit longer than I think she would have liked to get all of Pooh's measurements, which was fine with me since that was more time that we got to see our precious girl!

Holding her hand up by her face like one of Charlie's Angels :)

Our precious Pooh baby.

Very cool 3-D image of Pooh's face with her hands up by her chin where she kept them for most of the ultrasound.  

Despite my fears and worry, yesterday turned out to be such a great day!  It was wonderful to see our very active little girl growing just as she should.  I feel so hopeful and thankful right now and hope with all of my heart that we will bringing this healthy baby girl home safe, sound and breathing this September.  

Love & Thanks

I have received a few very sweet emails over the last couple of weeks from mamas who have recently found my blog.  Telling me that they have been "touched by Harper's story" and that "we are an inspiration".  My heart is touched beyond words that these ladies have taken the time out of their lives to reach out and say hello and to let me know that there are people out there still reading Harper's story and finding comfort and hope in it.

I started this blog last summer because I wanted a place for Harper, a place to honor her and celebrate her.  A place to come to and express myself without the worry of being judged because everyone here understood what I was going through.  A place where I could talk about her as much as I wanted to without making anyone uncomfortable.  I needed a place to scream out loud and find support in my grief.  I also wanted to reach out to other BLMs and to show my support for them with hopes that in telling our story someone would find comfort in it and know that we are walking this journey together, that we are not alone.  And to (hopefully) help those that were not walking in my shoes to better understand what I was going through.

I did, I found tons of support from some AMAZING women I had never actually 'met' but felt (still do!) such a closeness and kinship to, who have also had to say good bye to their sweet babies too soon.  Women who I feel closer to than some friends that I have known for years.  These mamas understand me and make me feel 'normal' and it is such a blessing to have them in my life.  I also found support from some real life friends who had not experienced this type of loss but cared enough to try and understand how my life was different now.

I wanted people to know that it is OK to talk about our babies and our grief and to ask us how we are doing.  I wanted others to know that not talking about Harper hurt more than the tears that would well up in my eyes when her name did come up in conversation because talking about her assured me that people weren't forgetting her.  Talking about her, though hard at times, brought and still brings me much comfort.

Now, as we are going through our rainbow pregnancy and all the feelings and emotions that come along with it, the support has not wained.  It has been incredibly important to express my thoughts and get some things off my chest in regards to being pregnant again.  To say out loud that Pooh is not a replacement for Harper nor would I ever expect her to be.  That happiness for one child does not take away the grief and longing for the other.  That Harper will always be our first born and Pooh will know all about her big sister in Heaven.  That we love both of our children and always will.  That pregnancy after loss is a terrifying ride but an experience that I am thankful for everyday.

I realize I am kind of rambling and I am not really sure where I am going with this but I guess I just wanted to say thank you.  Thank you letting me vent on more occasions than I can count and for making me feel like my vent was completely warranted.  Thank you for all of your love, kind words, and understanding.  Thank you for remembering my sweet Harper and for celebrating the life of her precious baby sister.  Thank you for abiding with me.  Lots of love. <3

In Bloom & Update

Harper's tree has been in full bloom this past couple of weeks.  The pink flowers on her dogwood have really opened up and look so beautiful.  Here are a few pictures...

We talked Zeus into posing in front of his sister's tree...what a regal boy!  

Luna was too busy hunting for lizards and bugs to stop by for a photo op!  

We had our 16 week check up with the OB and ultrasound on Tuesday.  Other than the ultrasound tech hurting my feelings at the beginning of the ultrasound, everything went great.  My cervical length was measuring at 5 cm and my Dr said that I have the cervix of a champion...well, that is certainly a relief! :)  She spent over 30 minutes with us answering questions and putting our worried hearts at ease.  The ultrasound went well, we got to see our little Pooh, with a strong heartbeat in the 150's, dancing around in my belly.  I never seem to get over how amazing it is that there is actually a little person growing inside me, it really is such a blessing.  Our little one was much bigger and had many more identifiable body parts this time which was very exciting!  At one point Pooh was holding onto the umbilical cord and all I could think was please, don't pull too hard!  

We did find out Pooh's gender and we are excited to announce that we are having another little GIRL!!  Harper is going to have a baby sister to watch over, actually I know that she already is.  

So, here she is, baby girl Pooh!!!  (or Pooh-ette as Chris has been joking!)  

Below is a picture of me and Pooh in front of her big sister's tree.  The shirt that I am wearing says "hope".  I find that to be very fitting these days as hope is all we have and holding onto little glimpses of it here and there is what gets me through my days and hopefully many days to come.

(possible trigger below)

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Me and Pooh at 16 weeks!  

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

We have our 16 week gender determination AKA "another good excuse to see the baby" ultrasound next week.  I am super excited to see our little Pooh again and to hopefully find out who is in there!  We have been listening with our doppler (best $ we ever spent) every night and can hear not only Pooh's heartbeat but also some random kicks here and there.  It is so amazing to listen in on what our baby is up to.  Listening to Pooh is a sure fire way to put a smile on our faces before we lay our heads on our pillows and drift into dream land.  I am so in love and pray every night that we get to bring this sweet baby home.  

I wanted to share this song from Cinderella.  It made me smile :) I am reminded to hold on to my dreams, hope and faith.  

  

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true

9 months

It is so hard to believe that nine months has passed since we said hello and good bye to our baby girl.  Some days seem like it was just yesterday as my wounds are still raw and open and I still grieve so much for this little person that I barely got to know.  And even though I barely knew her, I knew her soul.  She had a sweet spirit about her, very considerate and loving.  I feel like I knew what kind of person she would have been. She was in tune with me and I with her.  I know it sounds crazy but I think a mother just knows.  

Other days, time seems to have flown by in a sense.  I wonder how I have managed to get through the last nine months.  How I have survived.  I remember the early days and how broken I was.  I could barely manage to look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't stand to look at my empty stomach and know that life no longer existed there.  My spirit was shattered.  It was such an awful, dark, hopeless time.  A time when tears and screams arose so frequently.  A time when no light could shine in.  A time when I dreaded waking in the morning because I had to face my nightmare all over again.  

Over the last 9 months grieving has become very familiar to me.  (That is surely a sad statement.) I have learned how to deal with it and how it fits into my daily life.  I still have hard days, I still cry and I still feel cheated.  I will always have this wound but the scab is slowly growing over and protecting it.  I think I am learning to handle the grief better as it has become part of my new normal.  I remember hearing about this 'new normal' in those early days and I just didn't get it.  I didn't want a new normal, I wanted my old life back and I was convinced that one day, it would return.  It has taken a while but sometime in the last couple of months I have finally crossed into that territory of the new normal.  I know I will never be the same person as I was on the morning of June 25, 2010 and as much as I wish that I could go back in time and change things (and believe me, I would if I could), I know I can't.  I am *trying* to embrace this new life.  Trying to live a life that would make Harper proud of her mama.  A life that will always and forever include her.  

Here are some pictures taken of Harper's garden at her grandparents house. 

And some pictures of her tree in our backyard.  We are so excited about the pink blooms that have been sprouting up.  This is what we have been waiting for since we planted the tree! :)  

 You can't really see the blooms as much in this picture below, but they are there!  

Happy nine months in Heaven, my sweet angel.  A moment doesn't go by that we don't miss you and wish with all of our hearts that you were here.  I wish so badly that I could see you and hug you even if only for a moment but I know that we will be reunited one day.  A special place, full of so much love, will always be yours right here in our hearts. You will always and forever be our Harpsichord. 
All my love to the moon and back forever and ever, 
your Mom

Conversation with M, Faces of Loss & Prayers...

I had a very nice conversation with a registered nurse, who I will call M, from our insurance company last Thursday.  She called to let me know that she had been assigned 'my case' and will be checking on me periodically through out my pregnancy- checking on my physical and emotional health and answering any questions that I may have- as a new service that is being provided through our insurance.

During our conversation she asked the usual happy pregnancy questions.  It went a little like this...

M: Is this your first pregnancy?

Me: No.  

M: Ok, so your second?

Me: Well, actually my third.

M: Oh!  So you have 2 little ones running around?!?

Me: Not exactly, we lost our daughter last summer shortly after her birth and I had a blighted ovum in October.  

M: Oh my, I am so sorry.  How terrible.  (awkward silence)

Me: Thank you, it has been a really hard year.  

M was really very sweet and went on to ask me how we have been coping and asked about our support system.  She told me that she was a labor and delivery nurse for years and though not through personal experience, she has seen a lot of loss.  She said she always wondered what happened when those patients went home without their babies.  I thought I would spare her the hard, depressing details and just told her that it has been a really hard year.  She then asked what types of resources I had found and I told her that I had found a lot of support online, mostly through blogs, BBC and  Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. She had not heard of FoL FoH and was eager to check it out.  We finished up our conversation, she gave me her direct number and told me to call anytime I needed anything.

Then Friday, with a lot of worry on my mind about the FDA approval of Makena (17P), the progesterone shots that I will begin in less than 3 weeks to help prevent another preterm delivery, I called M and asked her what she knew about coverage through our insurance and if Makena would be accessible.  She was still not sure on the coverage and pricing but that she would fight to get this drug for me if she had to.  She was going to get in touch with her supervisor and let me know the details.  I still haven't heard a definitive answer from her but it is good to know that I have some one in my court.

Before we said goodbye, she told me that she checked out the website, FoL FoH, and loved it!  I told her a little about how the site got started and that it has been a great place to make connections and to know that through all of the pain that comes with losing a child, that we are not alone.  So...M just so happens to be on the website committee for our insurance company and is going to put in a request for FoL FoH to be put on their website as an online resource for patients who have experienced the loss of an infant.  I was very excited to hear this as hopefully even more people will find the help and support that is so needed after experiencing the loss of their child.

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Please take a minute to send some prayers and love to my sweet friend, Caroline, who recently lost her brother-in-law, Daren, to an IED (improvised explosive device) in Afghanistan.  She and her husband, Miles, and their families have had an extremely hard year as they (Caroline & Miles) lost their first born son, Cale, last June and now they have had to say goodbye to Daren- a true American hero and someone else who is gone too soon.

As many of us in the loss community know, even the smallest gesture of kindness goes such a long way.  So, please go over and show your love and support.