Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Back to work and my pamphlet...

Yesterday was my first day back to work since I took time off for the vacation that ended in tragedy. I can't help but think about what I should be doing right now. I should be planning my maternity leave right now, not going back to work. I would have been 33 weeks pregnant today, how different my life would have been. I wish I had some type of machine that would let me step into an alternate universe. I keep thinking of that movie The Butterfly Effect. How one single event in your life changes the course of everything from there on true that is!

For the most part, it was a good day. Leaving the house and the drive in were the hardest. I got so many smiles and hugs when I walked in, it warmed my heart but also made me sad. Sad that these are my circumstances now. Sad that I am not the same person on the inside that I used to be. I work in a place with a lot of laughter, which has always been a good thing. I have always loved that about working there. But truthfully, I don't feel like laughing as much as I used to. I don't think people really 'get it' and understand, how could they? They expect you to be back to you old self and happy go lucky. But you are not. I wish I had a pamphlet that I could hand out at work or anywhere for that matter before anyone was allowed to speak to me.

Some of the things I would include in my pamphlet:

. Just because I didn't go to full term, I still had a baby. A real, living, breathing baby. A baby that was born alive but died. A baby that I held in my arms after she died. A fully developed baby who was perfect in every way. I had to endure labor and delivery of a baby that I knew was so early, too early to have a good shot of survival. I miss my baby girl everyday. I cry for her everyday. My heart aches to hold her again, to see her, to watch her grow up, to see her thrive, to kiss her, to hug her, to smell her. I am not 'over it' and I don't anticipate ever 'getting over it'. I don't want to hear that all things happen for a reason, just say that you are sorry for my loss. I lost my child and my dreams for her. I have a birth certificate that has the word DECEASED stamped across it. No mother should ever have to possess such a thing. I love her and just because she isn't here anymore, doesn't take away that love or my memory of her. She will always be a part of me. I am still me, but a different me. I get up everyday even though sometimes I don't think I can. I wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach and missing my baby. I am sad but I keep going...I have to. I have a heaviness in my heart for what we have lost and will never get back. I might have another baby one day but that baby will NEVER replace Harper. She will always be my first born. I will never forget her. Something will always be missing from our life. I have a broken heart.


Andrea said...

It is so hard to have to go back to 'normal' life. I was lucky that I already stayed at home with Natalie, so I don't have to interact with a lot of people that don't get it. Your pamphlet is perfect. I so wish people would understand. Thank you for writing, you bring strength to my journey. Thinking of you.

Harper Grace's GiGi said...

Oh sweet daughter of mine,
Do you know how much I love you, I hurt everyday for you,
wishing with all my heart that I could kiss it & make this big booboo go away. Thats what mommies are supposed to do, but I can't, all I can do is let you know how much I love you & my sweet angel Harper Grace... She will always forever be in my heart!
PS I love the music choice.

Glo said...

I could use the same pamphlet.....I just explaine to one of my new co-workers yesterday almost verbatum....not a m/c, had to give birth, held my son as he died, had to make final arrangements, yes I am young and can try again but a new child doesn't replace the one that has died.

I am glad that your first day back at work went reasonably well. Even if they don't completely understand a smile and a hug is so much better than they alternative.

rebecca said...

So beautifully written & so true..I too wish people could read what u wrote, I agree they just don't get it. Sending love & praying that next week goes smoothly back at work.

Dana said...

Harper is so beautiful. I could just look at her picture for hours.

I'm glad that you got your first day back at work out of the way. It is a big hurdle to get over and it is so nice when you do. I'm glad that you were greeted warmly by your colleagues.

My colleagues were really good too. Alot of people said something, a few people said the wrong thing, but at least they said something. It was hard seeing them go about their everyday lives though. I went back to work during the World Cup and it was hard to hear people talking about it, being excited about it, when I just wanted to cry all the time because my baby was dead. It was hard to understand how people just went about their lives and cared about something that was so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

I love the idea for the pamphlet. It would be great if we could give those out to anyone who is interacting with someone who has lost a baby. I often think they would give more weight to our pain if our babies had been born full term and lived even a few days. I know that would be a horrible experience too, but the pain we have is very similar, or the same, as what that pain is. People just don't understand how attached we get to our babies before they are born, how our dreams and plans for the future change when we get a positive pregnancy test, feel the baby kick, see the baby moving all around on ultrasounds. And they can't imagine the horror of giving birth to a dead baby or to a baby that we know will die shortly after birth.

Thinking about you.

Chrissy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story brings tears to my eyes. Your daughter was and is very lucky to have you as her mother. Every child deserves that kind of love. I'll be thinking of you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your courage.

Gina said...

Your blog is beautiful & helps understand everything you are going through. Very sorry for your loss and wish I was closer. Glad you have such an incredible family, husband, and friends. Take your time. Love, Gina

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