Thursday, August 5, 2010

Which came first...the chicken or the egg?

The title of this post basically sums up the explanation of why I went into preterm labor (PTL). Comforting, huh...not really.

I went for my 6 week postpartum check up yesterday. UGH, I hated walking into that OB office with neither a baby in my arms nor a big pregnant seemed so wrong, it is so wrong. It seemed weird to already be at my 6 wk check up. I sure didn't think I would survive getting to this point, but, here I am.

Dr I, who is the sweetest doctor ever, opened up a special appointment time for me on an afternoon when she normally doesn't see patients. This was so kind of her, I didn't have to see any other preggo women and she and I got to take as much time as we needed to discuss things. My placenta came back from pathology with a diagnosis of Acute Chorioamnionitis, this we already knew. What we don't know is how I acquired this rare (2% of pregnancies) infection. We will never know. We also don't know if the infection is what lead to the PTL, if the placental separation lead to bleeding which lead to PTL, if the infection had nothing to do with it, if I have some type of clotting disorder that lead to the placental separation which lead to PTL, or if I just went into "old fashioned" PTL. And we don't know what caused Harper's distress during delivery. Seriously?!? I am seems to me that obstetrics is like the great abyss of not knowing. How could we not have a real reason? I need a reason. I have a very scientific mind, I need answers. I need to know why! I guess we will never know.

If you can call it good news, I was told that all of these things are so rare that it is not likely to be a reoccurring problem. That's nice, but I already acquired an very rare infection that only affects 2% of pregnancies. I am not feeling too optimistic about beating the odds. She also filled me in on the plan for subsequent pregnancies. I will be considered high risk and see a maternal fetal medicine specialist as well as Dr I and they will be "throwing the kitchen sink" at me (progesterone shots, baby aspirin, lovenox, and cervical cultures). *sigh*

As much as I love the thought of giving Harper a little brother or sister to watch over, I am so scared. I will never have a happy - go lucky pregnancy again. I was so naive when I was pregnant with Harper. I had no idea that what was such a happy time could turn into a nightmare in the blink of an eye. I am a nurse and I know that bad things can happen, I just never thought that those bad things would happen to me. I loved being pregnant and I would love to be pregnant again, I would love to bring home a baby. But the thought of 9 months of being paranoid, worrying about every little twinge, cramp, pain, being afraid to bond with the baby, or not wanting to get too excited for fear of loss again....that is unbearable to think about right now. Maybe in time...


Melissa said...

I can relate to your story so much, I lost my daughter at 24w6d due to PTL vs IC and I just had my 6 week postpartum check recently. Not having answers and having to face such an uncertain future is difficut that's for sure. I just found your blog on and look forward to following your journey. I'm just starting my blog, but have been so inspired by all you BLM's that have gotten so far with theirs.

Angela said...

"... obstetrics is like the great abyss of not knowing." I can get behind that statement. I'm glad the doctor made room for you to come in at a time when you wouldn't be confronted with other pregnant women.

Making the decision to have another is so hard. Most days I think we will, but there is a lot of fear that comes along with that decision.

Andrea said...

I came across your blog through another BLM. Your sweet Harper is beautiful. I so know how you feel. We lost our son at 19 weeks and there are no answers to what caused his heart to just stop beating. Like you, you would think with all the medical advances, there could be more answers!

It is hard when these rare things already have happened, because my doctor telling me "if this happened again, it would be like lightening striking twice in the same place," just isn't comforting. We will never have blissful worry free pregnancies again. I can only hope one day we have our babies at the end of the long 9 months. Thinking of you and look forward to following your blog.

rebecca said...

I understand...I too was terrified after my 6wk visit, I cannot imagine how fearful I would be if I got pregnant again. It's hard to imagine anyone makes it through gestation to live birth. Thinking of you!

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