Thursday, October 7, 2010

Both/And

A dear friend of mine, J, sent me an excerpt from this mommy's blog.  I wanted to share it because I think it is the perfect description of what grieving a child feels like.  To me, anyway.  


"grieving any loss, really is not a black and white matter; it's not either/or, but both/and. I can trust that he's in heaven and rejoice in that, and I can acknowledge that we will be feeling the loss of him acutely for a long time -- probably our whole lives. I can rejoice in the truth that he is not suffering anymore, and weep bitterly over the reality that he isn't with us, that we did not get nearly enough time with him. I can be happy that he doesn't have to be sliced or poked or taped or stitched ever again, and desperately ache for him to be back here with us. One reality doesn't cancel out the other. We hold them in tension, with all the uncomfortable complexity and unfathomable mystery that such nuances create."


I have had conflicting thoughts like this so many times.  I know Harper is in heaven and never suffered a day of her life.  I know that all she ever felt was love in her little lifetime.  These things do give me peace when I think about them.  I also know that I miss her more than I could ever put into words.  That I  would do anything to hold my baby again.  That I wish she was here.    

5 comments:

KAM said...

I left you something on my blog. :)

http://journeyafterjosey.blogspot.com/2010/10/one-lovely-blog-award.html

Dana said...

Wow, this is exactly it. So many people have said to me "Well, at least he isn't suffering" and "At least he will never know heartbreak, pain and other hardships". I am glad that Jacob won't know all of these things, but I still want him here. There is usually more good than bad in life and he would have had more good and bad. It is all a balance. Those people would still choose for their children to live, even knowing that their kids will go through the usual aches and pains and disappointments of life.

Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting Jacob to have lived anyway, despite the problem with his leg (he could have lived a perfectly normal life). This quote really helps to organize those thoughts in my head. Thanks for sharing.

Jessica said...

That is so true! That is a perfect explanation. Thank you for sharing it.

Drew's Parents said...

I wish your current situation was so different. It is easy to get lost in the alternative realities where we are holding our sweet babies. I like what this mother wrote about the tension between seemingly opposite feelings and emotions. I suppose grief and healing is about accepting those boths/ands. My heart is with you, and I am sending you giant hugs and lots of love.

Melissa said...

I couldn't have said it better than she did. =)

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