Monday, October 11, 2010

Pity Party

I feel like I have been having a major pity party for the last three months.  Feeling sorry for myself and wanting the one thing in life that I don't have.  I feel like I am in limbo or purgatory, even.  Just waiting to find out if I am going to heaven or hell.

I don't do much.  I hang out with my wonderful husband who doesn't ask much of me because he knows that I am not really up for too much.  And if it weren't for him I am not sure I would have even survived this far.  He is a wonderful, understanding, loving man. I play with my dogs, all they expect is a walk or some fetch in the backyard and they are happy.  I work part time.  I don't really love to go out in public because of all the triggers that present themselves.

I spend hours on my laptop.  Blogging, reading blogs of others, googling stuff.  Actually, if I had to make a list of my hobbies, 'googling' would probably be right at the top of the list.  I have been thinking about something lately.  What am I trying to find?  What answer?  An answer to why my life has taken this turn?  An answer to why my daughter died?  An answer to why so many people that seem so undeserving of parenthood get it handed to them with no problems?  I don't know what I am looking for.  Maybe I am hoping to find something online that will tell me it's not my fault.  Something that reads, "you will have a happy ending one day." Or maybe, something that says, "go look in the back of your closet, a hooded woman crept in during the night and decided to give Harper back to you."  Who knows what I am looking for.  Maybe a little peace.

Last month I was actually feeling better.  I had a reason to.  Or so I thought.  With a blighted ovum something happens during cell division and the embryo aborts very early on.  Does that mean there was never even a baby? Was all that 'feeling better' in vain?  I have been knocked back down; so hard that I am having a hard time finding the strength to even make it to my knees.

This miscarriage is just a harsh reminder of why I was even able to get pregnant in the first place.  Because my daughter was born three months early and died.  It is a slap in the face telling me I am no closer to having a baby in my arms now than I was before.   It all goes back to Harper.  She is supposed to be here now, keeping her parents up at night and filling us with so much joy that we just about burst.

I don't mean to be such a "Debbie downer".  I know I have so many blessings in my life.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  Maybe I am selfish but I want more.  Just this one last thing and maybe, just maybe I will be satisfied.


Kristin said...

You are not selfish at all. You deserve a living child and your happy ending. I have been so mad at the universe or God or whoever decides these things since hearing about your miscarriage. It's just not fair. And I'm no sorry. :(

Emily said...

I remember feeling like I was looking for something in the weeks after Aidan died. I checked my e-mail 3 or 4 (or more) times a day. I checked our mail box, I googled obsessively. Looking back, I think it was because I felt so lost. I had been waiting for my son to be born for so many months and then all of a sudden I was no longer waiting for him...but I couldn't get over that feeling.

Don't beat yourself up. Just continue to feel what you feel, until you don't feel it anymore. It will get better...or so I'm told.

Harper Grace's GiGi said...

My sweet Rhiannon, this is not in no way any fault of yours or anyone's for that matter, these things, yes s#%^y things happen...Why?? no one knows... AND IT SUCKS! How I wish I could wave my magic mommie wand & make all your saddness & pain go away & help you find peace with this whole crappy thing. I know we can never get Harper back... & you will always miss her, I will & do! but you can live,she can live within you, which I'm sure thats what she would want you to do. You will have your happy ending one day, but only you can make that happen! I love you more than life itself & yes you do have so many blessings in life, you being a beautiful person inside & out is one of them. Be kind to yourself! lots of HUGS & KISSES! :) Mom

rebecca said...

Oh my dear friend you deserve to feel whatever you need to right now & you definitely have every right to have a pity party. Life has been incredibly unfair recently and it's very hard to accept all that you've experienced this past year. Thinking of you & sending love and prayers your way, know there are so many people out there thinking of you, I hope that brings some small comfort to you ((hugs))

Melissa said...

That is so hard. My heart breaks with you. Why we have to go through these things is beyond me. But you know, it's okay to have a pity party. =)

Jennifer said...

Like Rebecca said you can feel whatever you need to feel right now. If a pity-party is one of the ways that can help you cope, go ahead. And you're not alone in doing this, we are having a pity-party of our own, too, in varying degrees and stages. Our grief is heavy, so heavy in fact that it's never easy to accept what happened to our babies. I think it will never be easy. It's the most unfair thing that happened to us.

But I hope the Debbie Downer days would be few and far between as we move through this grief journey. Although, sometimes it can rear its ugly head when we least expect it. It can be sad and overwhelming, but hang in there. There are people who love and support you through all this, dear mama. Thinking of you and Harper. (((hugs)))

Drew's Parents said...

There are days (weeks, months) that you feel utterly and hopelessly crappy. Personally, I think we have every right to feel awful and to ask the question, “why me?” After all, we have been given cruel and painful circumstances, and it would be nice to know why. I wish there was a way for us to know. My heart aches for you. There is nothing understandable about why you had to lose Harper and your second baby. Grief is such a roller coaster, and the loss of Harper's sibling is probably going to mean a lot of pretty rough ups and downs for awhile. Grieve in the ways that you need and remember you have so many people who love you and your angels. I am sending you so many hugs and so much love.

Stacey said...

I feel like I could have written this post. I recently lost my daughter and my home is my safety zone. Going outside is scary and seeing people is scary. My computer is my friend. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who takes care of me and is being so understanding.

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