Thursday, October 7, 2010

Blighted...

I have some news to share but let me start from the beginning.  We went out of town for Labor day weekend and I was expecting AF (aunt flo) to show up that weekend.  When she didn't I started thinking maybe I was...and I tested to see if I was...pregnant.  Much to my surprise it was positive!  I didn't believe it though.  Of course, I immediately started crying.  I felt like I was betraying Harper.  I was still supposed to be pregnant with her.  Not peeing on a stick to see if I was pregnant again.  I took about 4 more tests just to make sure.

I just couldn't believe that a couple who struggled for over two years to get pregnant, who were two weeks away from starting fertility medicine for IVF when they found out they were pregnant for the first time could possibly get pregnant the first month out of the gates.  Of course I was happy but I was a worried, too.  I was worried that it was too soon.  I called Dr. I that day crying, needing some reassurance that it would be OK.  And of course, she was there with lots of it.

I knew that any subsequent pregnancy after Harper wouldn't be easy.  And it was so soon, it had only been a little over two months since Harper died.  I was scared to death.  Petrified.  Apprehensive.  What if it didn't work out again?  What if I had to bring home another memory box instead of a baby? Another urn.  The dark questions were never ending.

After about a week, I calmed down.  I wasn't as scared.  I felt peaceful and happy.  We had a plan in place and I was feeling good about this baby, this new life that was making a home inside my womb.  I was excited.  I had hope again.  Hope for a rainbow after the ugly, dark storm that we have been living.  I knew Harper was happy too; happy to see her Mommy and Daddy smiling more and feeling hopeful for the future once again.  Maybe this is just what we needed, maybe it was a blessing sent down from our Harper.

Five Tuesdays ago, our life was changed again as soon as we saw that positive test result.  For the good this time.  We were thrilled!  Maybe we would have our happy ending after all.

Then, this past Tuesday our happy news turned to devastation.  We went to the doctor for what was to be my first OB appt, I was 8weeks and 1 day pregnant.  We went in for an ultrasound and all of the initial stuff.

I was crying before I even got on the table for my ultrasound.  I felt like I was having a panic attack, my limbs were heavy and I was scared.  My mind raced back to all of my ultrasounds with Harper.  I missed seeing her dance around on that screen.

I was so scared for this baby.  I really had no reason to worry, my first trimester with Harper had been flawless.  But still, I worried.  I always worry.  What if we didn't get good news?  What if there was no heartbeat?  I have read so many stories of mommas that have been given the devastating news that their little one has no heartbeat on the ultrasound.

I slid down the table to get in good position for the ultrasound and she started to look around.  I could see on the screen for myself.  A big empty sac.  No baby inside of it.  I was measuring 5 days behind my dates.  She kept looking around and then she said it..."I am sorry, sweetie but there is NO baby."  What?  No baby?  How could this be?  I have been tired, sick, hormonal.  There had to be someone in there causing all of these wonderful symptoms.  My hcg levels had been doubling appropriately.  There had to be some mistake.

The ultrasound tech went out to get my doctor.  When the Dr. I came in she gave me a hug, told me how sorry she was and told me this is what's called a blighted ovum.  Something else I have never heard of.   I have learned about more bad things involving pregnancy in the last few months than anyone should ever have to know about in their lifetime.  Dead babies being #1 and now a blighted ovum pretty high on the list.

Basically something happens after implantation during cell division and the baby aborts spontaneously.  Most likely due to some chromosomal abnormality.  The baby aborted but, apparently, my brain didn't get the memo.  It still kept doing what it was supposed to do to sustain a pregnancy.  Making a placenta that wasn't nourishing anything except my morning sickness.

What a cruel, evil uterus I have.  To evict another tenant.  To keep all of her stuff so it seems like someone is home, but in actuality, she moved out weeks ago.  I have been walking around thinking I was pregnant, my body acting pregnant, thinking up more dreams for the future and now I have had the rug pulled out from under me again.  Another loss.  Another baby gone.  Two losses within four months of each other.


My body had no signs of a miscarriage. No cramps, no heavy bleeding.  Dr. I said it could take my body weeks to "expel" the uterine contents on it's own.  We opted for medicine to get the miscarriage process started before an infection sets in or I get too far along that I need a D&C.

I am now what is referred to in the medical world as a Gravida: 2; Para: 0.  That means two pregnancies, no living children.  That sounds terrible.  What is wrong with me?  I feel defective.  I feel like I will never have any living children.  I feel like people are looking at me and wondering why I am having trouble keeping my babies alive.  This is just another reminder of how unfair and unexpected life can be.  Like I really needed another reminder.  I wonder if I will ever have my happy ending...my track record isn't looking so good.


25 comments:

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry Rhiannon. Words are hard to come by when I know nothing I say will help. Just know, that I'm thinking about you and you are in my prayers. Lots of hugs to you

Denise said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I also suffered from a blighted ovum last August and it was devastating. I had more pregnancy symptoms with that pregnancy than any other one (6 pregnancies and so far 1 living child and pregnant), and while we discovered the loss at 6 weeks, 6 weeks later I still hadn't miscarried and ended up with a d&c. Praying for a quick and healthy recovery for you.

Andrea said...

My heart just hurts for you. It is just so unfair. I am so sorry you have to go through another loss. Thinking of you. Love and hugs.

rebecca said...

Oh Rhiannon I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I wish we weren't so far away so that I could be there to hug you and offer something tangible, more than just words. You are weighing heavily on my heart tonight my friend. Sending thoughts of love and hope for peace to you and your husband.

KAM said...

I'm so, so sorry. Hugs.

Glo said...

I am sorry sweetie. It seems so unfair. You've been through enough...

Jessica said...

I'm so so sorry. I lost both of my children within 6 months. My first at 6 weeks and my second at 10 weeks. I feel like my body hates me and my track record isn't so good either. This is one similarity that is not good to have :(
(((hugs))) to you <3

Jennifer said...

I have no words, I feel so helpless and sad. So sad to hear your news. I can only offer love and prayers, and an ear if you need it. We are here for you, Rhiannon. (((hugs)))

Michelle said...

Oh,no I am so sorry you are enduring yet another loss. My heart is just breaking for you right now. Like Jennifer said, we are here for you.((((hugs))))

Angela said...

I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. Two losses in such a short time - heartbreaking. Love and hugs.

justine said...

Oh, Rhiannon ... I was so sorry to hear about your loss. I know how hard it is to be kind to yourself right now, but I hope that you can find it in your heart ... I've had multiple losses, too, have one living child and am pregnant again, and worry every day about whether I will carry to term. It feel so unfair, and it's an awful place to be. *hugs* to you ...

Emily said...

As soon as I saw the title of your post my heart sank. I'm so sorry you've lost another little life. Life is just so unfair. I'm sorry.

Illanare said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your losses.

Julie said...

i am just so sorry. it's simply unfair.

Roccie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. The feelings are smothering.

You are in our thoughts.

cowgirltn said...

I am sorry for your families loss. You will be in my prayers.

Willow said...

I'm so sorry. It does seem a cruel trick for your body to keep thinking it's pregnant when your sweet angel had already left. You deserve some good news--NOT more heartache!

Drew's Parents said...

Oh Rhiannon, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry that this happened. It is so entirely cruel and unfair. I am so sorry and am sending you loving and caring hugs. You, your husband, and your angels are in my heart. <3 <3 <3

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I am here from LFCA. So sorry to hear of another loss for you. You have been through so much this year. (HUGS)

Misfits said...

Also here from LFCA. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. There are no words for this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Knitlass said...

I'm sorry to hear this news. I lost 3 pregnancies in the very earliest stages. It's a cruel thing. Be gentle with your self x

Dana said...

I just feel terrible for you! Just when you think that things are starting to look up, you just get knocked back down again. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I am sending you huge hugs and lots of love.

Jay said...

I'm here via LFCA. I'm so utterly sorry. So many of the people stopping by have been in this utterly horrible boat, there are no words.

Another Dreamer said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for what you're going through, for your losses (*hugs*)

Kristin said...

Here from LFCA...I am so very sorry you are going through this. Although I have children, I have received those devastating ultrasounds far to often. My thoughts and prayers are with you during your sorrow.

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