Saturday, October 23, 2010

Defining Moments

So, I feel that in the last couple of days I have turned a corner.  Anyone who has experienced grief knows it comes in waves, so I am hoping that I won't be making a U-turn anytime soon.   I have felt a little more peace in my heart as of late and I am not really sure what the turning point was -- or if it was even a true turning point.  It could have been just a string of good days.

Grief is consuming and I have definitely been letting mine consume me.  I feel like I have been stumbling around in the dark without a lantern, fumbling through my days.  Lost.  My anger, my sadness, my bitterness -- my spirit and my heart have been shattered and I have just been trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces.  I have been wallowing in the pits of despair, the hopeless, miserable pits for almost four months.  Wow, it will be four months on Monday.  I truly never thought I would or could survive this long without her.  It's not that I am letting go of my grief, that isn't possible....I will always grieve for her.  I will always miss her.  Seeing newborn babies makes me sad and probably will for some time.  A piece of me will always be missing.  She will always be missing and with every ounce of every fiber in my body I wish she were here with us.  My heart will always be scarred and bruised.  With every laugh or piece of happiness that I feel there will always be sadness lurking close to the surface.  Grief will always be present.  I just need to learn to navigate through it.  To live with it.  To Live.

I have been letting my grief define me.  I have let myself go and it is time to get off my miserable rear and try to walk forward.  Even if it only one step at a time.  I know I will take steps backward from time to time and I will fall down but I will stand back up.  I can't keep letting my grief keep me down.  I have so many reasons to keep living.  I have been blessed with a husband who I surely don't deserve, he is my  Prince Charming...always has been and always will be.  I have a family (in-laws included:) who love and support us no matter what...who have been here for us, every step of the way.  I have sweet friends who check on us often and let us know that Harper is not forgotten.  Zeus and Luna, who's unconditional puppy love warm my heart on even my saddest days.  And of course, my most precious blessing, my Harper, the sweet little girl who made me a Mommy -- a tiny baby who taught me so much more about love and devotion than I ever could have understood.  A little girl who will always hold the most special place in my heart and will always remind me how fragile and precious life is and how important it is to embrace it despite all of the bumps in the road.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  ~Anais Nin


"Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even Death can take it away." ~ Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

12 comments:

Angela said...

The four month mark was my turning point too. The first three months are so, so hard, but once you make it through those life doesn't seem so bleak. My midwife calls it the fourth trimester. She says it is difficult for mamas who bring their babies home, and for those of us who lose their babies it's nearly impossible to navigate. Glad you made it through. Thinking of you and Harper.

Jessica said...

Glad you are feeling good. Hope there is no U-turn in the future. I wish you all the happiness in the world :) <3 thinking of you <3 (((hugs)))

Jessica said...

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rebecca said...

Thankful that you feel you're turning a corner and hoping that you continue to feel renewed strength and hope. I too still feel a deep sense of sadness when seeing a new baby or a pregnant belly, but the rest of the time I at least feel not so suffocated by the grief of our loss. Heres to the hope that happiness awaits us in the future. Love to you my friend

Kristin said...

I'm glad you've made it through the first few horrible months and I truly hope things continue to look up for you. I am so very sorry you are having to experience this at all but it is wonderful that you have a great support system.

ICLW #14

Drew's Parents said...

So well said! I can sense your strength and your desire to take steps forward. Harper will be with you with every step you take and every moment you have on this journey. She will always be with you. You are her mommy, and she must be so proud of you. I hope that you can hold on to those moments when you feel strong. Grief is such a topsy turvy journey, one that I am not sure we ever really complete. But like you said, we can learn to live more fully despite the piece of our heart forever changed. I love the quotes you included too! I am sending you courage, support, and love <3 <3 <3

Dana said...

Your writing is so beautiful. I love this post. You describe everything so well, so beautifully...as usual.

I found the 4-month mar made a huge difference to me. I don't know what it was, but I wasn't in the bottom of the deep, dark pit anymore. I could see the sun. Sometimes I could feel it on my face. The 3 month mark also came with an improvement, but at 4 months, I reached a point that I thought I would never reach. I have felt peace sometimes, a sort of acceptance perhaps. Of course, there are relapses. I definitely still have my horrible moments and you will too. But Harper is always with you and is incredibly proud of you. We do have to choose to live. For your sakes and for our baby's sakes.

I love the quotes.

I will be thinking of you and Harper alot on Monday and will be lighting a candle for her on Monday night.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

butterflymom said...

Hugs to you, Rhiannon. This post just made me smile...and feel so good for you and how far you have come. Hold onto that, sweetie. Thank you so much for the beautiful card...it meant so much to me. Thinking about you and Harper always.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you Rhi! It is so good to read those words and I can hear you saying them when I read them! No one knows when or why the turning points occur but it is sometimes like taking a breath of fresh air. U-turns will come by but...proceed with caution and know that the right way will continue to lead! Little Harper is looking out for you and wants to see her Mommy's beautiful smile! And yes, you DO deserve Chris! Don't ever doubt that. He is your soulmate and you are his. Lots of love and hugs for you, Chris, and Harper!! Michelle

KAM said...

My thoughts exactly! Although for me, being around newborns isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I still can't do baby showers. I'm not sure I ever will do another baby shower, including my own someday. It's just such a gut punch right in the middle of my stomach.

Michelle said...

Gratitude is such a powerful way to move forward in grief. I wish you continued healing as well as many, many things in your life to be thankful for.

Michelle (ICLW #15)

Olivia's Mom said...

While there will always be that sadness and longing for your sweet angel, I'm so glad that you're finding a lot of peace lately. I hope that it continues on in the days to come. Life throws us such unexpected curve balls that we never know what the next day will bring. Here's to many hopeful days to come. :)

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