Loud & Clear

As I was coming home from running a few errands yesterday, I found myself listening to John Mayer in the car. I hadn't listened to him in awhile but thanks to Tiffany and Kristin, I tuned him in on my ipod.  The song, "Say" came on.  This song has always brought tears to my eyes, especially after I saw The Bucket List (it is played at the end).  Yesterday was no different.  Here are the lyrics.

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems,

Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead,

If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

So, there I am driving down the road listening to John Mayer and boo who-ing.  All I could think about were all of the things I wish I would have said to Harper when she was still in my tummy -- especially that last week we were together.  How I wish I could go back and tell her all about her family and how much we love her.  Had I known this is where our fate was going to take us, I probably would have talked to her non stop for the six months we had together.  Then, of course, I got to thinking about all of the things I will never get to tell her and all of the things she will never get to tell me.  Basically,  feeling sorry for myself in the usual fashion.  

My tearfest continued as I drove into our subdivision.  My thoughts shifted to the future and wondering if we will ever get another chance to be parents.  Wondering if my body will fail us again.  Somedays I really don't know if it will ever happen for us.  I am not sure why I was feeling so negative but with all that we have been through this year, sometimes my brain just goes there.  Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness wash over me.  

{Before I finish this, let me give you a little background.  The spot that I pull into in our garage has a tennis ball hanging by some fishing line so I know how far I need to pull in.  I drive a Tahoe and I am pretty short, so I have trouble gauging the area in front of me sometimes.}

As I pull into the garage and my windshield hits the tennis ball I notice something that in five years of pulling into this spot I have never noticed before. Never. There is a message on the tennis ball.  

Hope.  How could I have missed this?  Especially in the last six months.  Isn't funny how something that has literally been right in front of my nose for five years and has never caught my attention before, catches it when I needed the reminder most?  I think my baby girl was sending me a message, at least I hope so.