Phantom Pain

Amputees can develop what is called 'phantom pain'. It is pain that you feel in the leg or arm that has been amputated. I am very familiar with this phenomenon due to the time I spent nursing wounded soldiers when I was in the Army at the start of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It is a heartbreaking thing to witness. As a nurse, you feel so helpless to it because these young men and women are screaming and crying in pain for a body part that you can no longer see, touch or assess.

After losing a sweet baby, the body likes to play tricks on you. At least mine does. I have experienced what I call 'phantom kicks'. I have googled it and it is actually a real phenomenon. For me, I feel these kicks at night when I am laying in bed. Nighttime was Harper's most active time so I guess that feeling them during the quietness of the night makes sense. These kicks actually make me smile and I usually put my hand on my tummy and savor the few seconds that I feel them. It is like for a split second I remember what it feels like to have a little life growing inside of me. Then I remember that I really don't.

The truth is, I am not feeling them as much as I used to and it makes me so sad. Another chapter is closing, one more physical reminder of my sweet baby is drifting away from me. I felt the same sadness when my milk dried up. I felt like it was really over when my milk was gone. All of these physical signs of a pregnancy were leaving me and I didn't want them to go because it was one more piece of Harper that was leaving me too. Just another reminder that my pregnancy was over and I had no sweet baby girl in my arms. It is such an empty feeling. No more baby in my belly-just an empty pouch. No more milk to feed the little one that I will never get the chance to nurse. And now, no more kicks to remind me of all the miraculous life and joy that was once making a home inside of my womb. I miss her so, so, so much...

To me losing a baby seems kind of like losing an extremity. You have lost a part of you, a part of your soul but there is no prosthesis for an empty tummy, unfulfilled dreams and a broken heart. The average observer doesn't look at your once flat stomach that now has a little pudge to it and know that you have lost your baby. A person doesn't see that look of sadness in your eyes or your lack of laughter and know. There may be no external scar, depending if you had a c-section or not....but there is certainly an internal scar. A scar that will never heal, it may hurt less over time but it will always be there.