Saturday, September 25, 2010


Today marks 3 months since we held our baby girl and said goodbye to her.  I miss her so much, more than words could ever do justice.  People always tell me, "time heals all wounds".  I think that anecdote is crap.  It has been 3 months and the pain is still here and I can't imagine a day when it won't be.  I think we just learn how to deal with the pain over time.  I am still learning to deal and it sucks.  I think it is a process and part of our new normal.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks lately.  Flashbacks to Harper's birth.  I guess it is because of her upcoming due date.  I can still remember June 25th like it was yesterday; all the medical staff in the delivery room, the little incubator, the nurse coming at me with the oxygen mask as I slid down to the foot of the bed to start pushing, the sound of the Ambu bag trying to resuscitate her, the sadness on Chris' face when they told us that there was nothing else they could do for her and the feeling of complete love that took my breathe away when I saw her for the first time.  All of these images and so many more have been haunting me and maybe that is part of my new normal, too.  A part of me wishes I could forget  this day and only remember the happy, joyous 6 months we had with her.  I know that I will never forget though.  How could I?  That was her birthday.  That was the day she came into this world and left it so suddenly.  As painful as it is to remember, I will never forget the day my first child was born.


Dana said...

Thinking about you and Harper today and everyday. I have been working on her name and should be able to send some pictures to you this weekend.

I agree that the comment that time heals all wounds is crap. Time makes it easier to bear. Is it because we have just learned to live with the pain? Because we have defined our new normal? I think so.

I find the flashbacks are bittersweet. They were really painful in the beginning. Now they can be both painful and they have brought a smile to my face. The flashbacks of seeing my baby for the first time, of holding and kissing him. It is painful that he wasn't alive, but still amazing that I was holding my baby.

Angela said...

I nominated you for One Lovely Blog award. Check it out on my blog!

Andrea said...

Thinking of you and Harper today. Like you, I still remember every minute of the day I delivered Oliver. It is hard to think about, but it is also such an important day. The day he was born, even though not alive. I hope today is filled with peace. <3

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Your memories of her birth are so beautiful to read about. I find those memories bittersweet - they affirm my daughter was here and remind me of the amazing love I felt with her, and they remind that she died, and that I mostly feel the pain of her absence now.

As I mark my daughter's year anniversary, I can say it gets easier. I can't imagine the pain ever completely going away, but I am creating and finding a new rhythm to life. 3 months out was such a tender time for me. I was feeling so broken and lost. You are not alone.

((Hugs)) to you!

Michelle said...

THinking of you and your beautiful daughter Harper Grace <3 <3

rebecca said...

Thinking of you, I agree I think we learn to live with the pain and grief and I don't think it necessarily gets easier, just a part of us we learn to incorporate into our old lives. Love to you my friend.

Melissa said...

I agree...the pain does not go away. I was having flashbacks of being in the hospital today at church. Just the littlest of triggers can bring it back like it was yesterday. Thinking of you and wishing you more happy thoughts than sad.

Post a Comment