Flashbacks

Today marks 3 months since we held our baby girl and said goodbye to her.  I miss her so much, more than words could ever do justice.  People always tell me, "time heals all wounds".  I think that anecdote is crap.  It has been 3 months and the pain is still here and I can't imagine a day when it won't be.  I think we just learn how to deal with the pain over time.  I am still learning to deal and it sucks.  I think it is a process and part of our new normal.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks lately.  Flashbacks to Harper's birth.  I guess it is because of her upcoming due date.  I can still remember June 25th like it was yesterday; all the medical staff in the delivery room, the little incubator, the nurse coming at me with the oxygen mask as I slid down to the foot of the bed to start pushing, the sound of the Ambu bag trying to resuscitate her, the sadness on Chris' face when they told us that there was nothing else they could do for her and the feeling of complete love that took my breathe away when I saw her for the first time.  All of these images and so many more have been haunting me and maybe that is part of my new normal, too.  A part of me wishes I could forget  this day and only remember the happy, joyous 6 months we had with her.  I know that I will never forget though.  How could I?  That was her birthday.  That was the day she came into this world and left it so suddenly.  As painful as it is to remember, I will never forget the day my first child was born.