Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hard Days...

The last couple of days have been pretty hard on me. I know that it is for many reasons and I know that grief is such an unpredictable roller coaster. One day you are doing ok, moving forward and then WHAM! You get knocked back down. As if grief is laughing at you, saying not so fast.

My operating room welcomed 2 new babies into the family this past week. A boy and a girl. Their happy announcements complete with name and perfect length and weight are up on our lounge door and their 'brag books' full of pictures are on the table. I have not been able to even look in the direction of the little books for fear that I may see something that resembles a live baby. Yesterday when entering the lounge on the way to the locker room someone was standing right by the door with the book wide open. As soon as I saw that baby in the hospital bassinet my mind flashed back to my hospital experience, not the happy celebration that was in this book. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks, I got a sharp pain in my chest and just tried to keep walking...I went straight to the bathroom and just broke down. After work, I came home and cried some more. I miss my baby girl so much.

As a fellow blogger wrote, I am supposed to be next in line. I knew these babies were coming due 4 weeks before Harper. Her due date, September 30th, is right around the corner. I knew it would be hard as it approached but I feel the sadness coming in and setting up shop for awhile.

There has been something else bothering me for the last few days. I saw my obstetrician when we were out to dinner over the weekend. She told me that most of my labs came back normal and that she was waiting on a few more before giving me an official call. She also told me about a patient that she had about a week ago that reminded her of me. The similarities...Preterm labor, 26 weeker. The difference...c-section and a living baby in the NICU. I really feel like I could have gone my whole lifetime without hearing that story. Now the guilt is setting in. Should I have elected to have a section? Would that have made a difference? At the time of delivery, I wasn't given that option but I still wonder what if? My OB wasn't there when I delivered Harper, she was on her way. The house OB delivered Harper because she was in distress and we didn't want to wait for my Dr. The day of my discharge, my Dr told me had she been there she would have taken me for a crash c- section but she doubted it would have made a difference in Harper's outcome. Remembering this conversation should reassure me and it did at the time but my mind still wanders...

As a friend reminded me, every situation is different. We lost our children and there is nothing that could have been done to change the fact that they are gone. I know that in my head but my heart is screaming and stomping her feet and just wants her baby back.

11 comments:

JenJen said...

Oh, I hate those moments where you're minding your own business and something like the book happens! These moments still happen to me and Lily has been gone for 25 months...Allow yourself those crying trips to the restroom and you are so brave to be working in the environment that you are after your loss of Harper! Huge ((HUGS))

Lily was stillborn at 23 weeks and I have seen and heard of the rare story of a 23 weeker making it (albeit with many handicaps) and I always wondered why she couldn't have been one of the rare ones...

rebecca said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry those difficult days & moments are the worst. I too avoid all baby related things at work, it's so hard sometimes though. Thinking of you & sending love my friend...remember you are not alone, that is the thing that gets me through during my darkest moments, the thought that I have all of you out there who know my pain. Love <3

Angela said...

Those unexpected moments are sneaky, and so painful. I know exactly what you mean.

I'm sorry your OB felt the need to tell you that story. Sometimes I wonder if Charlotte would've lived had she been born in a hospital, but as time goes by I find myself asking that question less often.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. Thinking of you and Harper.

Emmy said...

Just wishing you peace, Rhiannon. The "what if's" can be ugly. We can drive ourselves nuts with them. And for your OB not to know that? What a sensitive human being she is. I hope you take a moment on your next interaction with her to tell her so.

Love you, sweetie. ((hugs))

Andrea said...

I know right where you are. I think these days leading up to our due dates are especially difficult. I'm sorry your OB told you that story. Doesn't seem very appropriate to me. As much as everyone says it isn't our fault, there is still the wonder of what ifs. They are torture. Thinking of you and Harper. <3

Michelle said...

I feel like sadness is possibly coming to set up shop for me too. My heart goes out to you. I've been triggered in the same ways, by doctors and the infamous baby announcements. So sorry this has to be a part of your life too.

Olivia's Mom said...

I'm sorry you had to endure all of that -- both the book and the doctor's comments! Your OB was clearly not thinking straight...you would think that in her profession, she would be a bit more cautious on what she says. Reminders of others having a happier ending in similar situations don't really bring any comfort in our own grief. :(

I hope that tomorrow's a better day at work, and that maybe that book will find its way to a different location. Kudos to you for being so strong as to face that throughout your day! It's not easy when there are reminders all around you. Hugs!

Harper Grace's GiGi said...

I love you, my sweet Rhiannon, I'm so proud of you for being able to make it through the day. I'm thinking of you & Harper Grace everyday. I miss her everyday. great BIG HUGS....Mom

Anonymous said...

Rhiannon...I truly believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. These things you are facing are things that you are not going to be able to stop or control. You aren't letting them set you back. You are showing Harper what a strong and brave mother she has and each day continuing on. I admire the strength and courage you show. Yes there will be hard days, but you still get yourself out there and around people who love and care for you so much. You are a testimony to all and I just wanted to let you know that!

Jennifer said...

I know how you feel. Grief is such a sneaky bastard. Not only does it sneak up on us during times when we're feeling alright but it also messes with our minds through the what-ifs. It's difficult to be in this journey especially when we miss our babies intensely. I hope the coming days will be gentle on you. Sending peace and hugs your way.

Julie said...

rhiannon, i have been an official "follower" of your blog for a little while now, but haven't gotten the chance to get caught up on reading the whole thing until this morning. i just wanted to tell you how much i cried, and of course how much i can relate to what you've been going through. harper was beautiful.

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