Monday, September 13, 2010

Missing My Little One

It is such a beautiful morning to be feeling happy. The wind is blowing through the trees, the humming birds are buzzing around my head and Zeus & Luna are chasing each other around the yard with smiles on their faces.

Even though it is lovely and I should be happy, I can't help but feel sad. I miss Harper. I miss where I would be in my pregnancy right now. We would be wrapping it up, waiting for her to make her appearance at any time. Today is my Dad's birthday and I was secretly wishing that Harper would come today. To share a birthday with his grand daughter...I knew that would have meant so much to him. Instead, she came just 9 days after my birthday...way too soon. I have the feeling I will never look at my birthday with happiness again. It will just be a reminder of the day it all started.

I walked into Harper's nursery a lot over the weekend. I looked at all of her things. The tiny diapers that we joked about her not fitting into for long because she would be big like her Daddy. The sweet crib that I imagined scooping her out of so many times. Her letters above the crib and how we stressed about how high was high enough to hang them. We didn't want her to be able to reach them when she was starting to stand. I looked in her closet and thanks to Gigi (my Mom) it is full of sweet little clothes. Clothes that she will never wear. The outfit that struck me the most was the little Halloween set.

I won't have a baby on Halloween this year. No little one to dress up in a silly poofy pumpkin costume and take a picture of on a bale of hay or in a pumpkin patch. I have always loved Halloween and the start of fall, it is my favorite. I love that it starts the Holiday season. I was so excited to finally have a little one to make the season special and magical for.

We started the construction on Harper's memorial garden this weekend. I know that is a big part of what has me feeling down.

I love the idea and I am glad that we are doing it. At the same time, I hate that we are doing it. I hate the reason for the memorial. I want her, not a memorial. I am having so much trouble wrapping my head around it lately, she is not coming back. I know this but I am having a hard time with it. We should be nesting, putting the finishing touches on our nursery. Instead, we spent our weekend out in the heat putting our love and sweat into her memorial. (More pics to come, we just put the new portion of fence up this weekend)

I am sure that I sound like a broken record, but this is what I am feeling today. I am sad and I miss my baby. I miss the life I had planned.


Jessica said...

((HUGS)) I have been thinking the same thoughts about Halloween. Tim and I were never too big on Halloween, but sometime in the spring, when we realized we'd having a little one to dress up this year, the holiday had so much more meaning and excitement attached to it. Now we won't have our little Logan. I feel like everything is a reminder of what should have been and what is not.

Dana said...

Sending you hugs. I feel like I sound like a broken record on my blog too. But the bottom line of everything we write is that we miss our babies desperately and our lives have been changed forever by their lives. It sucks that you are building a memorial garden for her, instead of teaching her about planting flowers. It sucks that you should be getting ready to welcome her, when you have already met and said goodbye to her. It just sucks.

I often find myself in a setting where I should be happy and feel peaceful. But the fact that my baby died underlines everything. Even if I'm running around playing with my nephew with a smile on my face, I'm not totally happy. I feel like nothing will make me totally happy again. It is something that gets lost when your child dies before you do.

Thinking of you always.

Glo said...

((Hugs))) I am not sure that feeling ever goes away.

rebecca said...

Oh I'm so sorry my friend, I too have been feeling so sad as fall approaches and I'm reminded of all that my life should have been. I cannot look at anything Halloween without feeling so sad and devastated, we were supposed to have Lily just a few days before the Holiday and I can't help but wonder if this will always be a sad time of year for me because of this significance. Sending thoughts of love your way, so sorry.

Melissa said...

It's so hard, all these missed moments and times where you WANT to be happy but also don't want to at the same time. I'm getting the feeling it will always feel like that.

Angela said...

I'm sorry Harper isn't here as the season changes from summer to fall. I should have a four month old right now. All of this is so unfair. Keep repeating yourself, it's okay to sound like a broken record. We all miss the life we hoped for. Sorry you are so sad right now. Wish I could bring Harper back to you.

Andrea said...

Hugs. These days leading up to our due dates seem especially difficult. I was so looking forward to Halloween too! This season change seems to be even more difficult. I know that sense of feeling like a broken record, but I think we are all there. We have to keep repeating it because it is so hard to fully grasp. There are constant questions. Thinking of you and Harper.

Post a Comment