Blighted...

I have some news to share but let me start from the beginning.  We went out of town for Labor day weekend and I was expecting AF (aunt flo) to show up that weekend.  When she didn't I started thinking maybe I was...and I tested to see if I was...pregnant.  Much to my surprise it was positive!  I didn't believe it though.  Of course, I immediately started crying.  I felt like I was betraying Harper.  I was still supposed to be pregnant with her.  Not peeing on a stick to see if I was pregnant again.  I took about 4 more tests just to make sure.

I just couldn't believe that a couple who struggled for over two years to get pregnant, who were two weeks away from starting fertility medicine for IVF when they found out they were pregnant for the first time could possibly get pregnant the first month out of the gates.  Of course I was happy but I was a worried, too.  I was worried that it was too soon.  I called Dr. I that day crying, needing some reassurance that it would be OK.  And of course, she was there with lots of it.

I knew that any subsequent pregnancy after Harper wouldn't be easy.  And it was so soon, it had only been a little over two months since Harper died.  I was scared to death.  Petrified.  Apprehensive.  What if it didn't work out again?  What if I had to bring home another memory box instead of a baby? Another urn.  The dark questions were never ending.

After about a week, I calmed down.  I wasn't as scared.  I felt peaceful and happy.  We had a plan in place and I was feeling good about this baby, this new life that was making a home inside my womb.  I was excited.  I had hope again.  Hope for a rainbow after the ugly, dark storm that we have been living.  I knew Harper was happy too; happy to see her Mommy and Daddy smiling more and feeling hopeful for the future once again.  Maybe this is just what we needed, maybe it was a blessing sent down from our Harper.

Five Tuesdays ago, our life was changed again as soon as we saw that positive test result.  For the good this time.  We were thrilled!  Maybe we would have our happy ending after all.

Then, this past Tuesday our happy news turned to devastation.  We went to the doctor for what was to be my first OB appt, I was 8weeks and 1 day pregnant.  We went in for an ultrasound and all of the initial stuff.

I was crying before I even got on the table for my ultrasound.  I felt like I was having a panic attack, my limbs were heavy and I was scared.  My mind raced back to all of my ultrasounds with Harper.  I missed seeing her dance around on that screen.

I was so scared for this baby.  I really had no reason to worry, my first trimester with Harper had been flawless.  But still, I worried.  I always worry.  What if we didn't get good news?  What if there was no heartbeat?  I have read so many stories of mommas that have been given the devastating news that their little one has no heartbeat on the ultrasound.

I slid down the table to get in good position for the ultrasound and she started to look around.  I could see on the screen for myself.  A big empty sac.  No baby inside of it.  I was measuring 5 days behind my dates.  She kept looking around and then she said it..."I am sorry, sweetie but there is NO baby."  What?  No baby?  How could this be?  I have been tired, sick, hormonal.  There had to be someone in there causing all of these wonderful symptoms.  My hcg levels had been doubling appropriately.  There had to be some mistake.

The ultrasound tech went out to get my doctor.  When the Dr. I came in she gave me a hug, told me how sorry she was and told me this is what's called a blighted ovum.  Something else I have never heard of.   I have learned about more bad things involving pregnancy in the last few months than anyone should ever have to know about in their lifetime.  Dead babies being #1 and now a blighted ovum pretty high on the list.

Basically something happens after implantation during cell division and the baby aborts spontaneously.  Most likely due to some chromosomal abnormality.  The baby aborted but, apparently, my brain didn't get the memo.  It still kept doing what it was supposed to do to sustain a pregnancy.  Making a placenta that wasn't nourishing anything except my morning sickness.

What a cruel, evil uterus I have.  To evict another tenant.  To keep all of her stuff so it seems like someone is home, but in actuality, she moved out weeks ago.  I have been walking around thinking I was pregnant, my body acting pregnant, thinking up more dreams for the future and now I have had the rug pulled out from under me again.  Another loss.  Another baby gone.  Two losses within four months of each other.


My body had no signs of a miscarriage. No cramps, no heavy bleeding.  Dr. I said it could take my body weeks to "expel" the uterine contents on it's own.  We opted for medicine to get the miscarriage process started before an infection sets in or I get too far along that I need a D&C.

I am now what is referred to in the medical world as a Gravida: 2; Para: 0.  That means two pregnancies, no living children.  That sounds terrible.  What is wrong with me?  I feel defective.  I feel like I will never have any living children.  I feel like people are looking at me and wondering why I am having trouble keeping my babies alive.  This is just another reminder of how unfair and unexpected life can be.  Like I really needed another reminder.  I wonder if I will ever have my happy ending...my track record isn't looking so good.